The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I've been struggling lately to cope with living in a small space with my alcoholic. He relapsed about a month ago and has been on a binge ever since, and I'm struggling to maintain my serenity having him around drunk. We live in a very small one bed flat and can't afford another arrangement at the moment, living abroad with no family nearby.
What I'd like to know is: any tips on detaching with love even when the alcoholic is right there in front of you?
I struggle with basics, like sleeping arrangements (he often gets home in the early evening after a day of drinking and wants to go to sleep, but that would greatly limit my ability to move around/use our flat without just hiding out in the bedroom all night), coping with the smell, and constantly having to ask him to sleep on the sofa.
All I seem to be able to think of every night is to say the serenity prayer to myself the second I hear the keys in the door!
__________________
"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life. I can even allow joy and laughter to be a part of a difficult experience." (Courage to Change)
I can only speak from experience. I personally can't deal with the active situation. In a one bedroomed flat i would have to ask my husband to leave. Alanon allows me to protect myself. I'm allowed to live in a secure place.
Of course if my husband's behaviour was ok then I was ok with him. It was the behaviour I objected to and not the drinking.
That was how I dealt with it.
I wasn't in a one bedroomed flat. I was in a 3 bedroomed house with 3 teenagers.
I eventually had to trust in my higher power and trust He would find a way for me to afford to live alone.
I separated from him for 2 years. I managed to survive One day at a time, with my kids and suffering an illness which stopped me working.
My husband is now in sobriety and we can now live as a married couple again.
There is always hope.
I think Alanon teaches to live through the active situation one day at a time and with honesty.
Setting boundaries and detaching are important tools to use.
Our boundaries are our own to find. I had to decide what was important and choose my arguments. It takes two to fight. I could choose not to be a part of it
Detaching with love I think is about detaching from the illness and not the person. It took me a long time to work that out.
Separating my husband from his disease is obviously easier now that he is in sobriety and working his programme.
I also think the only real way to do it successfully has been to keep my focus on me and my behaviour. I made a life for myself outside my home with other friends and members of my family. Dealing with my guilt at leaving a sick man alone with his resentments instead of trying to manage him was also a learning curve.
I made friends in Alanon groups and local church groups. Anything to keep my mind off what HE was doing.
I am also a newbie and I think I struggle with the same issue you do, (well, kind of but I don't know for sure) as far as just feeling angry that my husband gets drunk and then I have to breathe the same air as him.
In the big scheme of things, I am not in danger of being physically harmed, really I am just annoyed because he is not behaving the way I think he should. I've got control issues, and don't want to face it I guess. It does not excuse his behavior, or make it okay, but until I learn to live and let live I will continue the drama and I'm exhausted!
I went to my second meeting today, and I know I am going to learn some coping skills, it is not going to happen over night, but I am going to go try.
I hope you get the chance to try it too. I'm still not ready to share in the meeting because I have too much emotional turmoil in my head right now and I just want to listen, and today's meeting was filled with a lot of people with tons of wisdom.
It was a better day today. I can't wait to learn more.
i live around very very active (end stage) alcoholics who are constantly invading my space. Their lives are absolutely pervaded by chaos.
Detachment is such an art. I also think that focusing on yourself is a real hard tool to master. One thing for me is not to expect the alcoholic(s) to be anything but what they are. The other is to get very very focused on what I need to do day in day out.
Certainly an alcoholic is going to invade your space. Life is not perfect. Living life on lifes terms is a great great challenge.
Sometimes I have to completely remove myself from the situation. Other times I have to really look at what do I want and how can I get it. I know for sure it takes a really firm hand to hold the boundary around an alcoholic. You have your work cut out for you.
Thanks for all the support. It's been difficult lately, especially, but I am doing my best to set boundaries that work for me. I've told him that so long as he's drinking, I don't want him staying here in the evenings (he's very disruptive) so he's staying in a hotel for now.
It's taken me two years of Al-Anon to set that kind of boundary! And it's hard not to panic, but I'm praying for strength to put me first for once.
__________________
"I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life. I can even allow joy and laughter to be a part of a difficult experience." (Courage to Change)
