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This was in one of my Daily readings and it was stated that "HOME" was my "Anchor, my Haven, my Safety, I was untrapped....."
Well I have to say this one I can not say...
Anchor... We Moved 11 times in 10 Years around 20 by the time I was 23, Haven..... When I picture I a Haven, Sorry to say it isn't when I think of "Home" my Safety.... I have not ever really felt "Safe" I am always on the look out for the next big fall, I have moments of panic on the outside, (Rarely) but on the inside "Pretty much a constant", Untrapped... Again its never applied to my life, homes are full of choirs, crap i don't need, and at times, it feels like the anchor "Helping" to Drag my under the current....
So "Home" for me is tough...
My AFather he was one that would tell ya "Home is were ya hang your hat ;)" , but then again, he jumped from bed to bed to keep a roof over his head... My Mom was always in "Go" mode when we were growing up, so Memory's are very rare with her when I was in my teens, she worked at times 3 jobs to keep a roof over our heads, but I think I would have much rather just had "Her"
When I was a Small Child before my parents Split, (under 9) I was still in fantsy world, still "Just loved my Apple Tree" and got excited when I got a "Ruffle Red Umbrella" for my Birthday, and jumpin on the bed, cart wheels in the yard, Sun Tan'n on the Roof :) I just felt like I was were I was meant to be... And I can See "Haven, Anchor, Safety" Now .... Not so much...
I have moved about 20 times in my life, I have lived with my Husband LONGER then I have lived ANYWHERE in my life... (14 yrs) and yet it still don't feel like "Home" ... In my Mind, he raised his 1st family here, and Its His/Their Home, He Gets Upset with me when I tell him that, but too me its true...His 1st wife passed 16yrs ago and Everything in the House is Completly differant over the years, So it is Our Taste, but to "Me" its not my "Home"....
I have tried "Relaxing in the thought of it being Home" but i cant get there... I Honestly at times feel like it is more about "Fear" for me then anything... I "Fear' if it feels like Home, It wont stick around long... Im affraid to open myself up for the pain of having that Comfort and then it be Gone... It was one of the hardest things I went thru, learning to "Live" somewhere ELSE....Apparently... It still is...
I'm not saying I don't have Many Moments of Peace... Serenity.... because I do, I have tons... but Honestly They are when I am Out in Nature, Chasing butterfly's, Climbin trees, Kayakin on the River, Nature Hikes, Sunsets & sunrises... Things that "I" Can Charish & Love and No One Can Take from Me.... {with the exception of course that I may not always be able to get up the tree,} but it will still bring me that "Peace/Serenity" I So Long for a times....So for the Most part it would seem that My Spiritual Side is the one that "Truly" holds My "HOME"
As My Friend (((((Dave))))) Mentioned, "Home is Were I am" Even if I can't Get a hold of "My House" being my "Home", I can still see the "Hope" in knowing there are other ways to see a "Home"... Its not the 4 walls that surround me, but the walls that I open up to the idea that everything "truly" is not "Black & White"... It is that "Grey" area everyone speaks of....
That space in my mind, where I can see the light between in the Blinds instead of Just the Dust on them... :P
Tough one for me, but brings up alot of odd Feelings, I haven't thought on in a while
As My Friend (((((Dave))))) Mentioned, "Home is Were I am" Even if I can't Get a hold of "My House" being my "Home", I can still see the "Hope" in knowing there are other ways to see a "Home"... Its not the 4 walls that surround me, but the walls that I open up to the idea that everything "truly" is not "Black & White"... It is that "Grey" area everyone speaks of....
That space in my mind, where I can see the light between in the Blinds instead of Just the Dust on them... :P
Tough one for me, but brings up alot of odd Feelings, I haven't thought on in a while
Thanks for Letting me Share :)
Friends In Recovery, Love & Prayers
Jozie
((Jozie)) What a powerful posting. It does require much thought and reflection. I do believe that I must carry my (Home) around within me In the depths of my being, with my HP, I am at peace and at "Home". You are right, things, circumstances, people may change but when I continue to dwell in my "secret place" with HP I can be at home no matter where I land.
Letting go of the Irrational fear and dread, that comes with this disease is such a gift of this program. Another is the knowing that things, possessions, jobs, people are all gifts from HP and all I need for my well being is to stay connected and keep showin up.
Big job and impossible to achieve without this program and the tools
I know what you mean in a way...I identify with the thought of nothing really mattering to me that much anymore.....emotionally I feel like I'm flatlining, unless I'm actually feeling down. Home is not a physical thing as you've mentioned...it's more of a feeling....I do feel I have a home, I just don't like it...it needs so much work that will never get done.
Great topic. One of my obsessions when I was with the ex A was to make a home. That was part of my not being in reality. He contributed very little and was not that motivated. When I ran into issues with him I buried myself in gardening and decorating and trying to cook better meals. So I have to tread carefully around this subject as its a minefield for me.
