The material presented
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Last night's meeting topic was communication. I was thinking how different my communication is than it used to be. Actually, when I got here, I had just about NO methods of effective communication. In my family of origin, I was not permitted to express my opinions, disappointment, anger, or anything else that might possibly be negative. I was supposed to act happy all the time - like, if nobody discussed the negative stuff, it didn't really exist. I learned to just say nothing if I was upset - I would get silent when stuff bothered me and say I was "fine" if anyone asked, or maybe occasionally slam sometihng around if I wanted someone to know I was angry.
That's how my communication went in my first marriage, too. I'd hold in my anger, disappointment, and frustration until I couldn't hold it in any longer, and then have a big screaming, crying tantrum over something silly that was the last straw. My ex AH was also a rageaholic ... which was so similar to my abusive family of origin that I never felt safe communicating much of anything. I responded to just about everything by completely shutting down.
I got in the program when I was dating my now-AH. When I went to my first Alanon meeting, I was so shy I blushed beet red when I just said my name. I didn't share in a meeting for about 6 months probably. I went to meetings and listened, and eventually started sharing a bit - just a sentence or two at first, and then longer.
The progress has really been amazing for me in terms of communication. Although I would still not say that I am a huge talker or that I talk for long periods in meetings, I did manage to share my story a couple of weeks ago in an open AA meeting. I signed up to chair meetings, which is something I never would've done when I was new. Best of all, the old patterns of communication I learned when I was a child are slowly being replaced. I realize now that I don't have to wait for someone else to notice that I have a need and offer to meet it. (As intuitive as it seems like this should be, it was not intuitive for me. I would, for example, sit next to my husband on the couch and wait for him to notice that I had a look on my face that meant that I wanted to talk to him and turn the TV off - as opposed to just telling him that I would like to talk and asking if now was a good time and I could turn the TV off). I am starting to speak up for myself now! I'm sitll not the best at asking for help, but I am learning. The other day I asked my husband to pick up Advil on his way home from a meeting because I had a headache and we didn't have any more Advil. As small as this sounds, it's a huge improvement from two years ago, when I would've waited until he got home and then gone out and gotten the Advil myself.
It is really nice to not be stuck in my head by myself all the time anymore. Slowly, the outside is beginning to match the inside - and it's awesome. :)
Just want to encourage anyone who is new that is put off by the thought of talking in meetings, or who is having a hard time communicating with others. I've been there - it does get better if you work it.
Thank you for opening this discusson on communications. I too did not speak at alanon meetngs until I was there for a year. The reason as you so clearly explained was the same. Coming from an alcoholic home I thought people should read my mind as I would always thought I could read theirs.
In addtion sharing would mean that I would be vunerable. I did no know how to do that I only knew how to "lecture" and not share my heart .
The slogan Listen and Learn provided me with the courage to attend, introduce myself at he beginning of the meeting and then to simply listen, with an open mind.
The power of these rooms in breaking the isolation and breaching the walls gf my self imposed prison were/are astounding. Slowly I began to share what was in my mind and heart and slowly I began to find MYSELF again.
good topic , seems we all have a problem with that one . Our book Dilema of the Alcoholic marriage has some really good stuff on communication I read it alot to remind me .. we can read all we want but until we have some self esteem back and self worth we just don't have the courage to speak up .
Earley in recovery a man told me that by my silence my husband was assuming that what he was doing was okay with me , he also told me to not expect that it would change anything just that it was important for my recovery to speak up
I have a right to an opinion today I can do that without fear of being told I am wrong if we dont agree it dosent mean that I am wrong it means we simply don't agree.
Hi summer, I was searching this site last evening for posts on communication because lately I have had a real awareness growing inside of me that this was a huge area in my life which I have had difficulties with, I am working in a new job now where by, communication is paramount and not being able to do so effectively would be detrimental to peoples health and welfare, it's been amazing that I have been given this opportunity through my job to practice my programme, I too struggle to ask anyone for anything much preferring to do it myself, and often have been so angry and hurt that especially my a husband could not read my mind, but thats only the half of it for me, it's also understanding and being strong in yourself knowing the difference between healthy communication and the truth, alcholism is mind altering and even more so for the enabler, our 19 year old son left our home last week of his choosing, we don't know where he is living as he refuses to tell us, last night accident and emergency phoned us in the early hours of the morning to ask if we were next of kin, and could we collect our son as he had got an head injury and said not to worry, lol as if you wouldn't, my husband and myself are living under the same roof but I have decided I need to detach, so for now we are kind of living separate lives, on the collection of our son he was very obviously drunk he said on one pint,my husband began raging and I sat quiet, my husband wanted the truth, but it wasn't forth coming, I thought wow, I am watching what I did so many times, watched someones frustration in trying to get to the truth, out of someone that was drunk and uncapable, my husband demanded that I do something too, I stayed calm and said I know the truth as you do deep down, our son is not going to speak the truth, at least I knew the difference, my son was badly beaten, his face swollen and bloodied, my heart is heavy but I cannot do for him what he needs to do for himself, being able to stay strong in the face of this is a miracle for me, and the irony is that now my husband is on the receiving end of witnessing first hand what we had to deal with for many many years with him, and yet can't see it, or understand it, for me communication is about the truth, what's really happening inside and out, and knowing the difference, thank you for this topic, it's paramount to my recovery!
Must be something in the air. I'm chairing tonight's meeting, which is an open topic, and I chose communication -- we'll be using the readings from Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage!
Effective communication is vital to the success of any relationship, but it seems to be a pretty complex process for us Al-Anons. Growing up ACoA, I lived by "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" so first I have to work to overcome my natural urge to shut down, then I have to identify what my feelings really are (sometimes my motives, too), and figure out how to express "what I mean without saying it mean". Little by little, I'm getting it.
I was certainly the Queen of Saying it Mean in some of my past relationships. Sarcasm was my finest weapon. Looking back now, I have to wonder what possible satisfaction there was in scoring hits in a verbal battle with a drunk.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Oh wow. This is still huge for me. I can communicate to new people I don't know, but people that I am emotionally attached to I have a hard time expressing my feelings to. With my step mom, I totally close up and can't speak. I can communicate better in writing.... I am learning how to say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean.
Hi Summer, I feel exactly like you on communication. My upbringing has been with parents who don't communicate, and the same with my AH. I am new to Al Anon and the meetings and find it really hard to share - my heart goes like the clappers when it comes round to me to say my name and how I'm feeling etc! But I do try to say a few things and hopefully the more I do this the easier it'll become. Podlin x
I'm chairing tonight's meeting, which is an open topic, and I chose communication -- we'll be using the readings from Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage!