The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I read a book on assessing people before you let them into your life. The topic was actually depression which the author saw as a relational issue rather than a physical one. That brought me to thinking do I carry on with people who press the boundary all the time. I have an acqautance (at one time I considered him a friend but someone with no boundaries can't be that) who said he would help me with the computer but he is way over the boundaries about it all the time. There is no help when I have to keep saying no no no and no some more. I've put him off and I know I have to acknowledge on many levels it is too stressful to be around him. I know that wasn't the case before because I literally had no boundaries. Last year I loved being around him because we could "rage" together. Now I can barely stand to get his emails. Talk about a 180 degree turn.
That brings me to the big question who do we let in?. I am extremely boundaried at work now. I really work on keeping to myself (funnily enough my sponsor said that is what she did and I wondered what she was talking about at the time). At home I barely interact with the addicts, some of them I don't even talk to because all they can do is act out. At the same time I think that's better than raging at them because rage and anger just seems to play into their chaos. Making it very very very clear I have no desire to hear, know about or even acknowledge their chaos is so key for me.
At the moment I am considering really just dropping my friend there are a lot of issues there which I won't go into at the moment. The key one is boundaries. He pushes up against them all the time and No doesn't seem to be able to be acknowledged. I'm no longer willing to deal with that so its sayanara....first time for me. There's a first time for everything and boundaries are a way not to be so exhausted and resentful.
I know absolutely I had no idea who to, how to, what to look for. Now after reading this book I look for impulsivity, rigidity, always being right, enmeshment, anger issues and entitlement. What about you? What do you look for and how do you set those boundaries down.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Monday 23rd of August 2010 02:01:45 PM
Aloha Maresie...Great thread and I'm looking for the ESH to come. For me you are talking about exercising choices and that is a daily exercise sometimes planned and often times not however I get to exercise choices based on my own values and wants and needs at the time. You're doing good!! Keep on keeping on. (((hugs)))
While I dont believe all depression is relational, I do believe it runs in families, It is taught, there is chemical depression all kinds of depression. While I didnt read the book, is the author saying there are people in our lives that cause us to be depressed?? I know the A made me depressed, which is relational. Didnt know where the depression was coming from, because I have never been prone to depression. I had survived many challenges and obstacles before I had met the A. My daughter being stolen by my X first husband and not being reunited until she was 25, which had to be worked out til this day. Also, losing a child of two with my 2nd X and dealing with his depression and his cocaine addiction after the death. , I had overcome many of it, before I entered into the relationship with the XAH, yes , being with the A, was depressing. I often look back on the days that we first met and how did I get involved and sucked into this relationship. I agree with you and the author of that book . I have been preaching that to my brothers and my daughter who recently divorced an addict gambler, who lied and gambled away 95 % of his salary for three years straight, until his number was up when my daughter finally found out.
We have to be very careful and assess every stranger that comes into our life. We have to take time and not rush into any major relationships. I was really proud of myself, when after I separated from the XAH recently, I started to enter into a relationship with a retired Attorney who had a 13 year old daughter , whom he is devoted too, thats fine, but he would pick up the phone on our dates everytime his Xwife would call him and since she knew he was dating me, it got worse, They would argue on the phone, this went on for awhile and although he didnt drink, I could see where it was leading, I would never be a priority in his life, just like the alcoholic that loves the bottle. This is a great subject and a great one for discussion. Thank you. luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 23rd of August 2010 02:58:07 PM
This is a good question and I believe that I would need to answer it in two ways Before alanon and after alanon.
Before alanon I let everyone into my life!!! I was an open book and thought that being compassionate and understanding and fixing people was my gift to the world.
In that scene I had no needs, and existed to fix the world !!! Enter depression big time , alcoholism big time and I then arrived at the doors of alanon. What a gift
I can now connect with many people in a constructive fashion without letting them entirely into my life. I can have my personnel space and share common interests, Movies, Book clubs Travel etc. Alanon meeting taught me how to do this. I refuse to connect on destructive issue or if someone is acting out I will say kind words but not engage. I guess I am very careful of the people who are always asking qustions of me and never sharing themselves. That is a big red flag and I balk big time
Need to think more on the subject but thought that I wanted to just jot this stuff down
The thread is so important for me. Most of my life I have bonded with pain and in my empathy and compassion (which was a lot about my own dependency needs) I had no boundaries. Now I have stronger boundaries. In some ways it means starting over. I do believe my acquaintance has got worse. I asked for some help with a computer and he went bonkers as far as I am concerned. When he got hold of the machine I had to practically pry it out of his hands. Since then I've avoided him. He's still going on about how he "needs" the computer for 2 days. I used to miss cues like that and one obvious connection is with the ex A. There were many many cues that he had real issues. I did not know how to deal with them so I didn't. I didn't set limits or my limit setting was ineffective. Screaming and yelling is not limit setting its acting out.
The same issue goes for my house mates. Most of them would walk all over me if they could not because they are necessarily bad but that's all they know! Now I am not rude but I don't engage that much at all. Clearly some of them have difficulty sensing where they end and I begin. I certainly did all my life. I either asked for nothing or as Pia Melody says love bombed or hate bombed! So I do it for them they are not going to get in again. Getting to this point has been so much work. Maintaining this point is even harder. I work around people all day who don't necessarily have good boundaries. Today I was working on my own and it was such a relief, no longer having to defend my position and to deal with boundary issues for 8 hours.
Of course since I didn't deal with boundary issues most of my life this is going to be very difficult. I do know there is enough stress in my life with financial, health and other issues. I simply don't need anymore and I really had no idea boundaries played such a huge role in my downfall.
What is the issue with your friend is he an A, or just a drama???
Does the book discuss about how you get out of these relationships. I know I have one acquaintance, I just dont return her calls. She just wants to gossip, always had a bad feeling about her. Another friend just recently told me, when I was away on vacation , I trusted my house key to a friend as I have meetngs at my home(not alanon)she said she would lock up, she left it to this other person I had reservations about, the other person said she ransacked my drawers in the kitchen. When this other person admonished her, she ignored her. This is a friends in faith group, who I thought I could trust. I just found this out this week, but she has been calling me a few weeks before I knew , and there was an instinct that I should stay away from this person, therefore I never return her calls and she has stopped calling.
Why is it we dont have that instinct when we fall in love????LOL, I think I have acquired it and Im so glad. Luv, Bettina
What's changed for me is the focus is off them and onto me. This friend/acquaitance doesn't seem to be able to hear "no". I am not about to keep saying it. I ahve also had to ask him not to shout and rage around me. He isn't raging about me but I get a headache when people raise their voices. I know in the past when people pushed all over my boundaries I saw it as a reflection of my self worth. Now I see it as a reflection they have bad boundaries. I had no boundaries, little if any boundaries most of my life so its probably appropriate that I have to look at them pretty hard right now.
