The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(It was suggested that I repost this here and get your comments)
Will someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery? God I always just wanted to shake Charlie Brown and say, snap out of it man, she's gonna pull that football away every time, don't BELIEVE her this time!
So my wife, from whom I'm separated (and divorce on hold), who cheated on me for 6 months before moving out and another 15 months after that (finally telling me a year after moving out) supposedly was finally done with the guy. Again. And she was 7 months sober, and hadn't seen him in 5 months.
Then last night she decides to drink. Does she drink at home? No, she goes to the one place she knows he will be. Then starts texting me saying she's going to kill herself. I'm working, so I call her sister, who calls 911. She ends up spending the night at his house. Could very easily have gone to the restaurant next door and called me, but no. Then today I tell her we're done and she wonders why. And gives me the bullsh** line about how she still hopes someday we'll reconcile and we're soulmates. I don't think I believe in the concept of soulmate anymore. But I'm Charlie Brown, so who knows what I'll really do.
I hear you and understand the insanity of doing the same thing and expecting different results.
It sounds as if you would benefit from attending alanon meetings, getting an alanon sponser and working the steps.
You deserve to be happy. It is important for you to work out what is important to you and choose to act in your own best interests.
Alanon can help you let go of destructive actions that no longer work and to attain new tools to respond to your life in a more positive self affirming fashion.
Sounds like you are in the right place for sure. This disease is so cunning and baffling it will get ya everytime and suck you right back into the insanity. Wether you decide to stay with your wife or not I strongly suggest you find some alanon meetings in your area or join us here on line for our meetings. Because wether you realize it or not we become as sick sometimes more sick than our A's just without chemicals. Please keep coming back and posting.... a lot of people here with a lot of experience under their belts that can give you lots of wisdom. Blessings
Long before alanon, there was a time when I thought I didn't love my husband anymore because of the insanity, his bad behavior, and what appeared to be his unwillingness to consider/ love me and our daughter.
Through alanon, I have come to realize that addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I was angry, scared, and resentful. My love was hiding under all of that. Addiction is more powerful than myself and all the love that I do have for him. Now I understand that his bad behaviors had nothing to do with his love for me, but now our lives are in different directions.
Please give alanon a good go and hold off on making any major decisions for a while. Whether you decide to leave or stay, perspectives change, and miracles do happen. Years ago, people told me this and I was in too much of a flight frenzy to listen. Years later, and with alanon, my perspective changed in ways I never thought possible, and, that is a miracle in itself.
I went to a couple Al-Anon meetings last year, but I wasn't really able to process much of anything because I was just newly sober myself. I may try again tonight. My AA sponsor recommends not responding to any texts or calls from her for a few days, waiting for some kind of indication that she really wants to try to make the relationship work, and then telling her that nothing further can happen till we go to a counselor. What is your opinion on that?
I'm so glad you'll be attending alanon meetings. MIP has them online, as well. Stick with it- I don't know that anyone could be as much of a late bloomer as I was, but I am finally 'getting it' and it does work!
Although there are similarities in those who attend AA and Alanon, there are also some differences. In alanon, we share our experience, strength, and hope; we do our best not to advise. I found it so helpful to separate the person from the disease. In my case, I think my husband wanted a relationship, but was unable to be a partner to me when he was actively using. He said he wanted to reconcile.
I can understand if you prefer no contact with your wife until you are feeling better balanced. As she is struggling with addiction, I am not clear on why a few days one way or the other would be more or less indicative of a desire for a relationship to work... perhaps, your sponsor may have had something specific in mind. Do what you think is right for you or do the next best thing.
The best relationship successes where addiction is involved seem to be when each is working their program. In my experience, couple counseling may be effective when each are in recovery. Again, your sponsor may have something specific in mind. Keep coming back and the answers will come.
I was married 26 years to the XAH, of those 26 years, I found out that the addict had an off and on affair with a woman for 10 years. Where was I ???? The only reason he told me was because she was going to tell me, because she gave birth to twins and he was the Father. When he told me they were already 1 year old.
Yes she trapped him, blah , blah , blah, and to this day he has nothing to do with those innocent children or her. Just collatoral damage left on his path of destruction. His anger at her fueled him into more bad behavior, more drinking, more drama, near death experiences.
They love the drama, it fuels their drinking. She could even be in a black out . LIke I said to a member this morning. Until they decide to stop, they will hurt you and hurt you again. This is what addicts do. You need to get out of her way and let her fall. counseling is good for both of you, but she needs rehab & AA and you need to really get more involved in the Alanon program. Build some boundaries of your own. Work on you and your serenity.
Best to you. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 24th of August 2010 01:13:40 PM
