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My children are 7 and 9. I have always avoided telling them the truth about their dad. It was easy to hide it, lie about it, etc. b/c they were young and I was always around them. Unfortunately, they are witnessing more arguments between us b/c of the drinking...specifically the fact they are not allowed to stay overnight with Daddy (we have a summer trailer). They kept asking why they couldn't stay and I finally told them. I tried my best to tell them that their Daddy loves them and would never purposefully hurt them...but that I wasn't comfortable with Daddy taking care of them overnight b/c of his problem with drinking too much alcohol sometimes. Now I feel like dirt. I feel like I cheated my husband out of something. I am also terrifed of his potential reaction if one of the kids mentions this to him. I KNOW I did it to help keep my children safe and I honestly didn't do it out of spite...but I just can't get over the fact that I feel like I have done something dreadfully wrong.
The safety of your children come first... period. I'm 99.9% sure that your children knew something was wrong already... you cannot fool children. Being honest about the alcoholism is a tough decision for each person to have to make.
As far as the alcoholic... HE is responsible for his own "cheating himself out of something." You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. That's all on him. And truthfully, all an active alcoholic cares about is himself... not you, not the kids. Oh, sure... he will "say" he cares, but he doesn't. Doesn't have the capacity to care, unless he is in recovery.
I hope for your own sake that you don't continue to beat yourself up over this.
I told my daughter when she was 7 years old. Actually, she was in the back seat of the car and I was driving her to a birthday party overnight when she asked. More than surprised, I pulled over...
Children are smart and absorb things that we think they may not notice. It is good that you told your children and keep the lines of communication open and build trust. Had you not told them, you would have left it to their vivid imaginations wondering if they did something wrong, or, later, be angry with you thinking you are limiting time with Dad.
My daughter is now 19 and I still reassure her that her Dad's problem has nothing to do with her.
I am wondering if your telling them makes things more 'real' and accountable for you. Other than that, I can say for myself that I have an overabundance of general guilt that I'm doing my best to shed.
I think you did the right thing. Alcoholism is very much a hidden disease still so the tendency is to hide issues around it. I know you feel bad, it is like betraying a confidence as that is part of the disease also, to ignore the elephant in the room. However if anything happened to the children through your negligence, that is leaving children with a drunk adult, then that would be a major problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and in my early years, had to bring her home from a pub after school, it was horrendous, it also put me at risk, it was not pleasant and I still don't like looking back to those years as it was filled with uncertainty, shame, and confusion. We were not allowed to express in any sense, shape or form that our mother had a drinking problem. I still feel guilty about blowing her cover though she is in fact dead, so perhaps feeling bad is part of the collusion required. The funny thing is I've just realised that I had older brothers living at home at the time, they did not jump in to bring her home. I ask myself was she a dangerous person to be around when she was like this, the answer is Yes because she would not be able to help herself and had to drink herself into oblivion. Her moods while building up to a binge were horrendous also, a no win situation. I
I believe that you examined your motives on this issue and felt that your advising your children about their father's illness was the next right action in parenting.
As you know parenting is not a friendship nor a popularity contest. You did a hard thing with the right motives.
Their dad has an illness and he loves them At times you worry about his illness and that is the reason you are not comfortable with them staying overnight.
Dad's illness tells him he is fine and does not have a problem (First sign of the desiese DENIAL). Stay the coarse with compassion,and understanding.
Please let go of self doubt. If your hubby confronts you, you are clear as to your reasons and know that his disease will probably prevent him from hearing you.
Telling things that are deemed secret can be a very difficult thing. I think personally its great you are able to label this for your children. I grew up around parents who were mentally ill. No one discussed that with me. Indeed my two sisters will still not discuss it and they've been dead a number of years.
Setting boundaries and limits around an alcoholic is a very strong undertaking. I think your children's safety is a great point to start at. I know for me safety was a huge issue living around an alcoholic. He drove erratically. I spent years denying it, spent years putting up with it. I have to say it is such a huge relief not to have to deal with that anymore. The resentment I had towards it was horrendous. He absolutely refused to see or listen to any of my pleas to drive rationally.
I think.... you already answered your own question..... you checked your motives, and told them for the right reasons.... Let's be real clear here - YOU didn't rob their Dad of anything with his kids - his alcoholism is doing that all on its own....
In my experience, as long as your motives are clean, you can keep your head high and carry on.... They have a right to know..... They will probably have all kinds of questions as a result, which is never a bad thing...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You did the right thing ,now let it go . your kids need to be safe . period If you want help explaining it to them get the book Whats drunk mama ? AL-Anon printed it ,it is out of print now but amazon carries it , it explains the disease , encourages respect and love for the alcoholic , reasures them its not thier fault and keeps the focus on them ..it is written for little ones .and is awsome.I think it is 5.or 6 $ Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 23rd of August 2010 01:16:25 AM
