The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No longer seeing the A-bf... woot-woot! I feel so free! He has been gone (mentally, spiritually) for a long, long time. During our last months together I found myself getting angrier and angrier just being in his presence (or even hearing his voice on the phone).
I figured out why I was angry. He never, ever would talk about anything of importance. He "hid" every little thing. My questions were either ignored or he had an evasive answer. It was like hanging out with a peanut shell (with no peanut inside).
Seriously, he was just an empty shell. Nothing I would say would register; and nothing ever came from his direction. I may as well have been dating a rock. He was as heavy as a rock! There was no "relating!"
As I choose future bf's, I am going to run in the opposite direction if I find out there is an addiction to anything. I never want to go through that again.
Another thing I've noticed... I get so angry all over again whenever someone tells me about what their alcoholic is up to in their lives. I am not supportive in a diplomatic way. I see right through the old games that alcoholics play (i.e. lies of omission, sabotage of everything, then blaming others, guilt-tripping, etc). And their BEST game? Saying that "Al-anon's are sicker than we are!"
How many times I've heard that in open meetings. Used to buy it, too. Then I realized, "Uh, yeah! Of course we seem sicker. We are going through all of your crap sober... you are out of your mind!"
I'm happy you're feeling free. I certainly know that feeling. Peanut shell?... good analogy!! Stay close to Al Anon to continue healing. Stay close to your Higher Power.
I remember a couple of years ago my AW came back from an AA meeting and told me that someone at her meeting told her members of Al-Anon were sicker than AA members. I didn't have to think...I just smiled at her and told her that was true....and for good reason....end of conversation. LOL.
I live around alcoholics so I know how easy it is to get caught by their projections. I also know that there really is no comparison between codependence and alcoholism. Of course everyone wants to blame someone else for their issues. I certainly have most of my life!
I am so glad you are in al anon, reaching out and voicing your feelings.
I can SOOOOO relate to "live around alcoholics." I grew up with an extended family full of them. They give off a very unfriendly vibe, and I can sense it now immediately.
After they have killed so many brain cells, they are no longer good at hiding it. You can actually feel the empty vibe, the angry vibe, the hostile vibe, the dead vibe. There is no joy in their presence.
I remember a couple of years ago my AW came back from an AA meeting and told me that someone at her meeting told her members of Al-Anon were sicker than AA members. I didn't have to think...I just smiled at her and told her that was true....and for good reason....end of conversation. LOL.
HUGS, RLC
Hahahahah! You "got it" right away! Good for you!!! ** clapping gleefully **
I too loved your share The idea of hanging around with a peanut shell without the "Nut" inside made smile. Of coarse my mind immediately said:" Yikes you hung around with the entire nut, shell and the nut inside and it was equally dis concerting!! "
I do understand the empty shell feeling It is unsettling
Aloha ESH...and thanks for the memory of what it was like when I first got into the program. Back then we use to read the AMA (Amercian Medical Association)'s definition on alcoholism which went on to mention the family, friends and associates of the alcoholic; "...we too are as sick or sicker than the alcoholic because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." Medical terminology that was expanded upon when I went to college (0n the disease of alcoholism/college) and then went on to counsel in a large substance abuse program that included family, friends and associates. The question why are we sooo crazy always came up for discussion on change including why the non-drinker was having life problems on the job, with finances, with the police, hospitals and institutions. The easy thing to do was accept the term "...we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol..." We go thru the whole thing wide awake while the alcoholic is passed out, blacked out, or just plain out.
There is a difference between my wife and my alcoholic wife a big difference and I learned to keep both of them separate rather than lump them into the same bowl. When I did that earlier she had no opportunity, with me, to be seen as just my wife...she would always be (after the mix) a b*^ch!!. Too bad for me cause I got myself good each and every time I did that.
I learned that alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue. It's about a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and when the alcoholic lost control of whether and or when they drank or how much it was the disease, the compulsion for the chemical that had the power and called the shots. When I got that part I learned compassion for the alcoholic especially the one I chose to marry and the one before that and the addicted one before that and my family and family history. Al-Anon fully con- vinced me that the solution lays with changing me and not the alcoholic. I am powerless over a disease and other people, places and things.
I remember having that awesome feeling of being free as a member of Al-Anon and it wasn't about being free of the alcoholic...it was about being free of the feeling of fear of being trapped as a helpless victim to the disease. God that is the greatest feeling in the world one I get to have happen over and over and over.
As you choose bf's or anyone in the future remember that you didn't know what you were choosing in the first place this last time and that it was a part of your choice system that was blind to some things and over looked others.
Haha... and every AA member is indeed an Al-Anon. Once they get sober they still share every single thought we do.
I remember a while ago, I kept hearing in one meeting that we Al-Anons have the disease of alcoholism, too.
I squirmed a bit with that, and it really didn't seem to fit, although I understood what the base of the discussion was, was that we share a lot of the same traits. However, I don't have the physical allergy to alcohol. So that does not make me an alcoholic. I do not have the disease.
In talking with my mom, a double-winner, she was conjecturing one day - and this is opinion only... but she said "I think we all start out Al-Anon. There's just an unfortunate percentage of us who also suffer from alcoholism."
I have been thinking about this a lot since I read something that said that the alcoholic obsesses over alcohol and the Alanon obsesses over the alcoholic. That is just what I do. As much as I think about him, he is thinking about alcohol. Just that thought alone made me quite ill and then I remembered that I cannot force change or solutions or anything and I am working on that now. Jerry, thanks for that info about alcoholism as a disease. It makes more sense every day...
Glad to hear you made a decision that sounds like it was great for you. I'm struggling with making a similar decision - and my AH is sober now!
I've heard people in Al-Anon say that we are sometimes sicker than the alcoholic. I really do believe that I am sometimes - just in a different way. I believe that a lot of my "sickness" is a direct result of situations my AH created, but, still "sickness" nonetheless...
The bottom line is that I needed to make some changes...and, Al-Anon is providing me with the support and tools to do just that.
I have been thinking about this a lot since I read something that said that the alcoholic obsesses over alcohol and the Alanon obsesses over the alcoholic.
This is exactly what I had experienced in the past. Is he sober? Is he drinking? Is he sick? Is he dead? Is he driving drunk? Is he in jail? Is he going to go to the ER? Is he going to get treatment? Is he going to stay sober this time? Is he mad at me? Is he dying? Is he going to die? Is he... Is he... Is he (fill in the blank)?
-- Edited by ESH on Tuesday 24th of August 2010 10:35:02 PM
The bottom line is that I needed to make some changes...and, Al-Anon is providing me with the support and tools to do just that.
Right on! And that is where I found the support and tools as well. I finally learned to take care of me, and give the a-bf the dignity and freedom to take care of himself in whatever manner he chooses.
Of coarse my mind immediately said:" Yikes you hung around with the entire nut, shell and the nut inside and it was equally
"