The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He broke down. After 2 1/2 days of cold, painful, silent hostility, he finally said to me last night that "he wasn't mad at me anymore." This opened up a door to a looooong talk.
He admitted to me that he'd spent the last two days building up a huge argument/attack in his mind against me, but then it hit him that he isn't angry...he is "embarassed." This is huge. HUGE.
He also said that he already knew where I was going (to the mtg. last week) but just wanted me to tell him. How he knew, I don't know. Now I'm even more glad I didn't lie! ;)
He said that for as long as I've been dealing with "it", he's been dealing with it more than twice as long. At least half his life. He said that most of the time it doesn't bother him, but sometimes he gets so sick of it but can't make it go away. He was on the verge of tears as he said this - again, HUGE. Nothing short of a miracle that he even admitted that. HP is working here.
I resisted the urge to tell him "you need to get into AA! we can do this together! blah blah blah!" The urge was STRONG my friends! I just felt like I shouldn't. So I didn't. For once in my nagging, badgering life. ;)
I did tell him that I understood. I told him that ever since a few months ago, I made a new commitment to pray for him every single day that he will be freed of this bondage, and that I do realize this is a thing that he's trapped in and can't "just stop." I think that surprised him to hear me say that. I guess after 9 years of my nagging him to "just quit," it would come as a surprise!
He told me that he didn't want to lose me. (Boy were you guys right!)
I told him that if he ever decided that he wanted to get out of this addiction, I am here for him. and I'm praying for him every day. He said that he doesn't exactly like it that I'm going to the Alanon mtgs, but he's not angry about it anymore. He knows me - I need PEOPLE - and he's OK with me going. Which is good, because I was gonna keep going anyway! I kept this part to myself. ;)
and then the part where I just lost it. He told me that he is sorry for not keeping all the promises he's made (about quitting).
He made no promises to try to stop anything, and honestly I'm glad because I know he can't promise that. He's never kept a promise to me, and I just have to trust HP to work in AH's life. If I could change him, I'd have done it by now. HP is the only One who really can, so I keep praying and trusting and hoping.
I do understand that the rollercoaster ride is FAR from being over. It may never be over. I really do know that. But I feel so much better this morning.
Awesome post, and here's hoping that this is the first step of his recovery..... Even more important, we know that it IS the first step in your recovery, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.... good for you!!!!
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm so glad to hear that you were able to have a helpful, authentic discussion. I often observe that the universe reflects back to us what we're able to give out: if we're angry, we get back anger, but if we're authentic, we get more authenticity in our lives. And to be able to get it from your A is even more affirming. Keep on taking care of yourself!
What a beautiful post. I'm so glad that your one small step has already unveiled a small miracle - an authentic communication with your AH and you keeping your hands off his journey. That was hard work, but you did it! Great work I'm so happy for you have tears in my eyes.
Keep the small steps coming in your recovery applecake and keep coming back to share your victories and your challenges.
You go girl....Gosh, the slogan and words "It Works If You Work It" occasionally can seem like idle words. Maybe even sometimes over used, but in your case applecake no slogan or words could be closer to the truth. You have taken and applied the ES&H from members on MIP and in your f2f meetings in your life, and we have all been privileged to have a birds eye view of you proving that the Al-Anon program truly does work if you work it.
Aloha Applecake...You've got the stuff to make recovery work for you and you have the awareness of some of how this progress works. Yes I believe that miracle #1 happened and I believe that it happened before this event when you made up your mind to find change and had the courage to follow thru. I learned that when things got silent between my alcoholic and I that it didn't only mean she was harboring anger but that she was also dealing with fear and gazing into the mirror at the same time. I was at meetings and not in the way between herself and HP. I've heard it said by other alcoholics to other alcoholics that "Sober is what were supposed to be all the time anyway." The prayer goes on that he finds the doors of recovery and the family that can help him help himself. Thanks for the hopeful recovery update and I look forward to hearing about the next miracle coming your way. (((hugs)))
I'm so happy for you have tears in my eyes. 