The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been several months since I've been here. Since that time, I moved out from living with my ABF, have had times of "no contact" recommended by a church counselor - which one of us always broke to the point it was useless...After one particularly hurtful incident, I even changed my phone number. That worked for about three and 1/2 weeks. Last week I broke down and called him. Then we ended up having a great date and next thing I know I'm sleeping with him and because I can't seem to say no to that and can't fend off the guilt of my beliefs about sex outside of marriage - I feel like I have to marry him or lose relationship with God. The fact is, I have missed this man. Very much. I've been so depressed since June when we split. People tell me it will get better and I deserve better than the "good moments" I have with him - that somewhere out there is a "good lifetime". But none of that talk acknowledges that I was giving up what had become my family (he has 2 little boys) over something that is a disease. He has days when I see the incredible man I believe he is without the alcohol. Then the addict takes over. And I find myself afraid because it's like choosing a lifetime of disappointment or choosing a lifetime of feeling like half of me is missing.
Mostly I can't get over the feeling that no matter what I do, it's the wrong decision. At this point, my friends can't believe I'm so stupid to be getting back into relationship with him and part of me agrees. Then there is the other part that knows people do get sober. People do change. God loves him just as much as He loves me. And no man has ever cared about me as persistently and made me feel as special as this man has. I do believe that he loves me as much as he can love anyone. And I love him. He is so much fun to be with and incredibly compassionate in the good moments. Yet, it would be really nice to know I could depend on him to be coherent on a regular basis. And I can't. Plans always have to have a backup in case I'm on my own because he's on a binge. I recognize that I am in danger of committing to a lifetime of this. But I can't fathom not being with him. And even as I write this I see how pathetic that is! Yes, I've read Co-Dependent No More. Yet I'm the poster child for CoDependent Evermore! In these months of trying to get myself healthy I have had so many books thrown at me to read that I literally have a bookshelf full and am out of bookmarks and frankly, feel like I am beyond the help any of them can provide because I keep running back within hours of agreeing with concepts that should make me shut the door on this relationship and never look back! He may be addicted to alcohol but I am addicted to him.
I quit going to f2f meetings in July because I felt so desperate and didn't feel like it was okay to be that desperate there. It was one together group of people and I felt so stupid going from trying not to cry to just trying not to make noise! When I finally tried to open up I made no sense and got such wierd looks I'm frankly embarassed to go back.
Am I just stupid? Can a lifetime with an alcoholic be a good thing? Can it be overlooked like any other disease or character flaw in a partner? Is there hope? Sorry this is so long.
Hope springs eternal - only you can decide if a lifetime with an alcoholic can be a good life. For me, it was not. The DUIs, the fear that someday it would be worse than DUI and someone would get hurt or killed, the cleaning up and fixing broken things (thank God he was not a violent alcoholic, just a very clumsy one), the lame attempts at conversation, having to make excuses to friends & family about why he's out of work again, why he's passed out on the couch again, not knowing whether I would come home from work to the husband I loved or to a barely coherent drunk... it would have been many times worse if we had children, which is largely why we don't.
I can tell you what I did, I can't say what would work for you or anyone else. I told him that he was free to live that life, but I wasn't going to live it with him. I meant it, he knew it. That was the end of denial for both of us, and the beginning of recovery. It could easily have gone the other way.
You don't have to make a lifetime decision right now, you just have to make a choice for today. Make today's choice, then see how you feel about it tomorrow.
Of course you are not stupid, Love. You cannot help who you fall in love with and you cannot just switch off the feelings you have for that person. You have physically left him in that you are no longer living with him and all the stress that brings, but the emotional separation takes longer - indeed it may never happen. If you choose to meet up with him and even end up making love, that is your decision and yours alone. It has made you happy for a few moments.
You might find yourself slowly becoming repelled by this man who would rather drink than have you. On the other hand he may admit to himself he has a big problem, go into rehab and AA and emerge a different man, one with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life.
You just don't know what will happen in the future. Keep just one of the Alanon phrases in your mind: "One day at a time"
What I didn't realize when I started my relationship with an addict is that strong feelings do not equal truth. And strong feelings don't mean a relationship is good. I really believed what my feelings were shouting at me: that this man was the only one who could make me so happy (during the times we were happy -- many at first, fewer and fewer as time went on, so that after a couple of years I was living on fumes, as they say -- living on the memory of those happy times and trying desperately and unsuccessfully to get back to them). I believed I could never care for anyone so much. I believed no one would ever be as right for me. (Of course, there I disregarded the fact that he was only right for me when he wasn't drunk, as if drinking were a tiny part of his life, rather than an addiction he'd prefer over me and everything else in his life.) It all felt so true. I went through years of increasing misery before I found out that those feelings are misleading. They're meant to attach us to a person, but nature and our hormones don't look carefully at what we're attaching ourselves to. That's what our brains are for.
It's true that many people have wonderful relationships with alcoholics, but those are sober alcoholics who have a good deal of recovery under their belts. It doesn't sound as if your guy is concerned with stopping. And we can't make them want to stop, try though we might. And unless they stop, alcoholism is progressive (it gets worse over time). Only around 25% of alcoholics achieve sobriety. Those are the statistics I wish someone had told me at the beginning. And alcoholism isn't just drinking: there's a whole set of behaviors (denial, lying, etc.) that go with it.
But the thing we do is that we make them into our Higher Power. As if they're the center of our lives and we can't be happy or have good lives without them. Putting any fallible human being in the role of our Higher Power is liable to lead to misery, but putting an addict in that role is even more dangerous. We owe it to ourselves, and some would say to God, to take care of ourselves carefully.
I hope this isn't too discouraging. The good news is that you can -- like many, many people on these boards -- live a wonderful, happy life of serenity. Please go to some face-to-face meetings (try 6 or so to find one that really works for you) and keep coming back. There is so much wisdom here. If you learn all you can about alcoholism, you'll be in the best position to make whatever decisions are best for you.
But what do you do when you CAN'T leave? The house we live in is MY house. I am raising a fourteen year old son and two dogs. I took my AH back because he hadn't drank in months and was going to meetings that seemed to really help. But lately, I see the old patterns coming back and found a bottle of vodka in the trash---wasn't looking it was on top of garbage. He says it was an old one he had found in one of his hiding places but that in combination with his behavior...I know he is lieing. I told him I can't live that way again and to get out but I know he won't. The last time I was deparate, I finally found an attorney who THOUGHT he could help me get him out of the house but I can't remember who it was. I didn't have to see the attorney because a week before the appointment, my AH moved out on his own.
I'm not sure what we are..devoted or stupid? I think we just love our spouses and want it to work so badly we keep trying.
I'm not sure what we are..devoted or stupid? I think we just love our spouses and want it to work so badly we keep trying.
Well, we certainly can be persistent! Continual "peace at any price" does not promote good emotional health. I find it very helpful to think of him having a disease where he cannot stop being self destructive, he cannot stop being dishonest, etc. This helps me detach with love.
I made decisions from desperation; I would not want to do that again.
The looks at the f2f may have come from a place of understanding.
Regarding dependence on people- I am practicing not making others my higher power. People will not necessarily think as I do or act as I would act. When we spend time thinking about someone, rehashing things over and over, we are giving them too much power in our lives. I am learning to process my anger, resentments, hurt, sadness, etc and then letting it go.
Also, I am working on re-building my self-esteem.
Glad you are here- the answers you need will come.
thank you for your post :) One thing is for sure...if we dont get better we get worse also. No amount of devotion will cure an addicted person just as no amount of love will either...I would suggest you get back to f2f meetings or try some on line here as well... Alanon isnt kidding when it says, "our thinking becomes distorted"...please focus on the things you can change which is you...ty and blessings :)
And no man has ever cared about me as persistently and made me feel as special as this man has. I do believe that he loves me as much as he can love anyone
You are probably right there he loves you as much as he can love anyone as much as his disease will allow him is really the key. If you can be happy knowing that his disease will always come first in his life then you have your answer. But remember this is a progressive disease...it only gets worse up until or if he ever decides to choose recovery. And those special moments will become fewer and fewer as it progresses. It is okay to love an alcholic ! I don't have an alcholic spouse so I can't relate to that dynamic but I do have a son who is an addict and there is nothing he could say or do that would ever diminsh my uncondtional love for him. That being said i also know that no amount of love will cure him, I know that I can't trust a word he says and have to assume everything he tells me is a lie. I know he loves his family as much as he is capable of doing so but we will never come before his addiction. These are all devestating things to aknowledge but once we get out of denial we have to look at the cold hard truth. You don't have to make any decisions today. My suggestion is that you go back to your face to face meetings or join us here on line for our meetings. Really work the program and the steps for at least 6 months and then think of making a decision. At least then you will be making a more informed decision and will more fully understand your options. Blessings
You are NOT stupid, but you are, like most of us, somewhat "sick", and in need of recovery yourself.... Giving up Al-Anon cuz they had it "all together" wasn't likely the greatest thing you could do for your recovery.....
Two great sayings, to keep in mind for ya....
1. "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time...." 2. "He is either gonna drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Choose recovery for you...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know very well what it is to feel hopelessly committed to a relationship that meets some of my needs but also comes with great pain. I also used to berate myself about this constantly.
Reading is one way of learning new paradigms and be willing to identify with them. That doesn't mean you beat yourself over the head with the fact that you are a "poster child".
Lertting go of a relationship is never easy or a straight project. I left the ex A in April (a few years ago) and did not cease contact for a good 9 months. In fact I went back and forth between feeling very responsible for him, sorry for him, over involved with him, caring for him and more. As I worked a al anon program I got to be able to make different decisions. No one at all ever called me "stupid" or any other name. Anyone who does that has no idea about alcoholism and how insidious it is.
I certainly had a very committed, over invovled relationship with an alcoholic. I could have that again tomorrow if I wanted. Choosing differently is not something that comes easily. Choosing means stopping and being able to reflect. There are degrees of commitment. None of them mean that we have to despise, berate and blame ourselves for all the problems.
If you don't have one why not try working with a sponsor, you would have someone to turn to, work with and discuss the steps with. I know for me having a sponsor means I feel far less lonely and isolated than I once did. Working the steps also takes the focus off the alcoholic and onto me. Taking that focus off your dependence on another person is so critical. The more you can focus on you and what you "need" rather than what you feel bad about is healing.
I am glad you are here. Why not try the chat room here or even the meetings they are worth going to. ''
I hope you might also give a thought to getting a copy of the book listed above (as a free gift) getting them sober is a very good resource for looking at alcoholism through clear eyes.
Hi there, First off, you're not stupid. Forget about what your friends think. Unless they are in the program or dealing with an addict themselves, they don't have a clue. It's easy for people on the outside looking in to give people advice and spout off about what they would do (or wouldn't do), or what they wouldn't put up with. Blah Blah
Secondly, about the f2f meeting, EVERYONE in that room has experienced desperation. Otherwise, they wouldn't be there. Maybe you could try another meeting? All meetings are not the same. I would highly suggest continuing f2f meetings.
Unless he gets help, the disease will get worse, not better. I've been there. Right before my husband went to rehab the last time, he was continually at a .4 - .5 blood alcohol level. That's just where his tolerance was. His disease had progressed to that point. I would be dead if I drank that much, as would most of us.
I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. I know what it's like living with someone in active alcoholism - not pretty.
I have decided to stay with my AH (for now). He has been sober for almost 9 months. But, sobriety doesn't get rid of all of the problems. I'm not sure if I would still be with him if he were still drinking. I honestly don't know...I would like to think that I wouldn't be. My life was HELL when he was drinking. So, to that end, I do not believe that a lifetime with an active alcoholic is in any way a good thing.
All you can do is take care of you. Keep coming here, and, again, please try another f2f meeting. Al-anon saved my life.
