The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, tomorrow is his birthday. We were going to go out tonight after work (he works for me) to celebrate.
About a half hour before we were going to leave, he was hyper and animated and over-the-top -- I strongly suspect (though I cannot prove) that he had grabbed "just one drink." He wanted to go with me to a particular restaurant that I knew was no longer serving dinner -- I asked him (neutral tone) what he wanted to do there, and he got very defensive and asked me why I was ruining a good time with speculation.
I took a deep breath and asked him (neutral tone) if he had been drinking. He denied it (he's too smart to say yes -- drinking on the job in this particular profession is firable, and he knows it). I then asked if he intended to drink that night. He told me that yes, he wanted to.
I told him that I did not want him to, which then caused him to launch into a tirade against me -- how he doesn't put any conditions on me, but I am always putting conditions on him (the two biggies: don't drink, and watch your temper at work); how it is his birthday and he deserves a "dispensation;" etc. I responded that I could not force him not to drink, but I was not going to be an enabler and hang with him while he did. He sneered at me, and how I "learned that word really well," and then turned heel and left me behind.
For weeks, he was on track. Going to AA meetings. Commenting DAILY on how great he felt, and how he NEVER wanted to go back to drinking again. Ironically, JUST YESTERDAY a mutual friend wanted him to intervene in a case of a Harvard-trained attorney who was drinking heavily and in denial, and he said ALL THE RIGHT THINGS (how he could only intervene if asked; how this person had to crash and burn before getting better, etc.).
Twelve years of sobriety. And eight times drinking in the past year. With a liver transplant, no less.
In some ways, I wish he was a serial drinker, inebriated on a daily basis -- it would then be so easy to fire him, and forget about how much I love and care about him, and wash him right out of my life. This sober for months, then going on a bender for a day or a week and then sobering up again, is like Chinese water torture -- I can't bear to give up on him, and keep thinking there is hope, because it seems like there is...
I am miserable, defeated, demoralized and broken-hearted.
Oh, and naturally, my shrink just left for a two week vacation.
(((((Sara)))))...Crazy isn't it? And my anology for what I had to do with my alcoholic wife was to fire myself as her counselor/manager (not employer). I came to that place you came to..."You go ahead. I'm done." If a third part was on the side lines looking at and trying to describe the relationship would they have come up with the word "loving"? Not by looking at the behaviors and the words and attitudes. So I fired myself and started learning a much much better way of living in Al-Anon. She my alcoholic spouse, eventurally went on to get sober. I didn't feel hurt or jealous at all. I got my happiness back before that came to be.
If the consequence of what you're done is that you get your heart broken I'd suggest the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and this MIP fellowship. There are some very powerful women here who have been where you are at right now and can show you the way out.
Hang on cause their coming to your support. (((((hugs)))))
I a m so sorry that his disease is still active in your life. It sounds as if your partner is "trying " and attending his meetings.
In order for me to be able to handle the many, many difficulires that come with this disease, I found it necessary to attend daily alanon meetings for my first 3 years in program
I found that even with sobriety in my home, alcoholic attitudes on my side of the relationship and on my husbands required that I keep attending meetings.
I had to learn new tools in order to live my life. I had to let go of expectations of people, I had to learn how to live and let live. I had to focus on myself, make gratitude lists, read my daily readers and work the steps.
All these actions keep me very busy and enabled me to "Find" myself and the right answers for me.
It is devastating to love an alcoholic without the tools of alanon With alanon there is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 12:32:32 AM
I'm so sorry this is going on. My A ex-H was a binge drinker with long sober periods, and that waiting and worrying was awful. He just wrote off his lapses and binges -- "I'll just be sober from now on, no problem" -- without any acknowledgement of how devastating they were for me. I don't think he ever took in that it had an impact on anyone but him.
Do you have a sponsor? This sounds like a situation that calls for all the support you can get.
Went to bed after posting and did not fall asleep until close to 4AM. Had horrific dreams (that I was in hiding from some one trying to murder me), from which I kept waking up with my heart pounding -- and then the memory of what had transpired with my abf would wash over me afresh and I'd start crying.
Tried running this morning (I usually log 5 to 8 miles a day), but my knees were too weak.
Walked the dog and bawled like a baby on the sidewalks of my neighborhood.
Abf has not left me a vm (normally, there are several left in the wee hours after he's gone on a binge), and I am forcing myself not to call him, despite that it is his birthday.
Nothing feels good to me right now -- the pain that he over and over again chooses booze over me (and the nasty, cutting contemptuous words he flings at me when he drinks) is nothing short of searing.
If he calls me (as I presume he will at some point, though who knows), what do I say? If/when he apologizes and says he was wrong, how do I take it? What are the magic words that are empowering instead of enabling?
How common is it for some one this smart and articulate who stayed sober for twelve years to backslide... and what are the odds that he will EVER get back on track now that he has backslid?
An ex of mine has a Master's Degree and Phd (and, is a psychologist - imagine that) relapsed after 10 years of sobriety and got a felony DUI conviction. After almost losing everything (he managed to hang on to his license practice after stipulating to numerous conditions) he seemed to be on the right track. Lo and behold, relapsed again 5 years later (another felony DUI), spent time in jail, and is now on probation for 4 years, lost his driver's license and license to practice. All that to say....it happens.
There is no rhyme or reason to this. Nothing about this disease makes sense.
