The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came to a huge realization today. I am an ACOA and not a "joiner" when it comes to groups (church, community activities, etc.). I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in on others having fun. My mom phoned me today and I told her I was at a quilt show. I have always wanted but always talk myself out of joining knitting or quilting groups, even though it would be a nice 2 hours out once a month. When she asked me if I was going to take up quilting, I immediately said no and was filled with a sick to my stomach feeling, like shame. A lady at the show remarked that the group was a "great sisterhood". That made me even more fearful of joining. Then, no coincidences, an Al-Anon member from a meeting I attend appeared! She gave me details on a quilting guild to which she belongs.
HP works in mysterious ways. Still, because this gal showed, I feel like HP is nudging me to overcome the fears about joining and being judged a failure (by myself, most likely).
The huge realization for me is the fear of intimacy and fear of failure that crushes many opportunities presented to me. This leaves me sad, and feeling sick in my gut, the same knot feeling that was there as a child.
Thankfully, I've realized these fears are red flags marking more recovery work that I am willing and with HP's help, hopefully able to do, with baby steps. I will be seeking the help and encouragement from members' experience, strength, and hope and, if necessary, from a counselor as well.
If anyone has a story that relates here, I would be grateful. Thanks for reading and I hope this helped you not to feel alone with your fears.
I can totally relate to your fear of being a joiner ! There have been so many things over the years that I have truly wanted to do such as volunteer at the food bank, go back to school and take some classes just to name a couple. I make plans to do these things and then at the last minute I find a way to sabotge myself. I have no idea why I do this. Certainly what comes to mind is fear of meeting new people, being judged and failure. I have been really trying hard to overcome some of this. My husband and I belong to a really great church with very nice people. But I can't bring myself to go to church on Sunday cause I know that there is the coffee and cake social afterwards and that scare me for some reason. I have though made myself volunteer ( and follow thru ) with a few church volunteer days although i will say i stay mainly to myself. I hadn't really thought about it much until reading your post but I too clearly have some sort of fear of failure or not fitting in. Hopefully we both can make some progress as we progress in the program Blessings
Shell it's sooo good to see you post again and letting us know that you can now realize when your HP is )))))nudging you along. Good for you!! Sounds like you found my old script where my only response to the invitations in life was "NO!!" and then "RUN". I was an isolator and my nickname in my family was "The Lone Ranger". Funny when I came home after 17 years on the West Coast the first contact I had with an elderly aunt I hadn't seen for that long or longer was "So hows the Lone Ranger". I had to laugh because Al-Anon had relieved me of that nick. You were who you were back then and are who you are from what you have done to change. What you want to become you've got to do the steps toward...there are no rules on how big the steps need to be or how fast you take them. I learned to let the "gut" wrench motivate me forward with the thought "It ain't gonna kill me and I still know how to turn and run." I was overly agressive to those who judged me so that wasn't a problem...most of my family and friends wouldn't attempt it...the only judgement I needed to deal with was the one in my head and so I am learning how to treat myself with kindness, courtesy and love...same as I tried to do with every alcoholic and addict that was in my life either by choice or not. "Trying something means that for now/today it is a temporary thing and I only live in the day anyway.
Your courage is inspiring and you hearing and eye sight perfect. Your HP was talking showing you an alternative. HP does use Al-Anon members alot cause after awhile of learning and giving it away we approach angel status don't you know. LOL...
(Great name and great picture of the hot air balloon, too.)
Great for you that you are going to venture out into a creative and supportive environment. Art of any kind can be so very, very wonderful.
I, too, would like to do some handwork and have planned to go to a group but haven't managed to yet.
But, I have started doing some drawing again.
I hope that the group that you join is a healthy and happy one. If it's not, there are other groups.
There is so much beautiful handwork out there...and I just bet that there are worlds of wonderful work within you waiting for expression. More power to you.
I tend to run from relationships and from good things.... I schedule in time to work but not time to nurture myself and my creative spirit. So, I'm that one who ends up cheating me... Thanks for sharing.
-- Edited by Lem on Saturday 21st of August 2010 11:58:39 PM
I love your post and thanks for sharing. I often have great fear when it comes to new people and places. Even attending alanon was sooo hard for me at first.
I have managed to feel the fear and do it anyway in some areas of life. I still have so far to go. I don't know what I am afraid of except that maybe no-one will like me or talk to me.
Thanks for the post, it reminds me that I am human and I am not the only one who has these insecurities. Have a great day.
