The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I let my 7-year-old daughter stay at our trailer alone with my AH. They stayed 3 nights. On the 3rd night I couldn't shake the feeling that he was drinking, so I drove out. I was correct. His eyes were bloodshot, his speech was slightly slurred. She happened to have a dental appt. the next day, so I took her home under the pretense that I wanted her in town so we could be on time. He drive home right after us. I didn't say anything, although I know he shouldn't have been driving.
This week I stayed at the trailer with him and my daughters. He drank a little each day, always doing it when I happened to be in the pool, down by the river, wherever. Yesterday my oldest got a migraine and I needed to take her home. He was fine with that until I insisted that my youngest come with me. He did a complete 180 and became very agitated. He kept telling me that she was safe and I could trust him. He wasn't making sense...saying I knew she would be safe b/c of Phizer, Merck and other pharmaceutical companies. Of course this makes no sense. The more I tried to reason with him, the worse it became. So in the end I just got the kids in the car. Just before I left he became upset and grabbed my sunglasses from my face. He said he was sick of looking at me with them on. He also told me that if I left the campground, it would be my last time ever. He knocked aggressviely on my window several times until I just pulled away.
I got a phonecall a little later and he kept asking why I left. I tried to explain the obvious several times, but finally told him the conversation was getting nowhere and I needed to hagn up. So I did. I turned off my cell and took the other phone off the hook. He called 5 times. In his messages he told me he was headed into town tomorrow to get the divorce papers ready, he wished he had never met me b/c I was the reason he ever started taking prescription drugs (?), I was stubborn and pigheaded, I could have the house and the kids b/c that's what I have always wanted and that from the moment of that phonecall he considered himself single.
Today he called and I answered. He was wondering when I was coming up to the campground! He said he was willing to put last night behind him! He said that b/c he was following AA principles, that he was able to forget and move on. When I said I couldn't, he told me that was b/c I haven't got the grip on Al-Anon! I told him I am sure he is an alcoholic and he inisists that he is not. He blames all his past years of drinking on the fact he was on clonazepam and says he will take absolutely no responsibility for ANYTHING he did wrong while on it. He says he knows he shouldn't drink now, but that it is okay to drink b/c he is "normal" and normal people drink. HE EXPECTED ME TO FORGET EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED?! I can't forget...but what makes me angriest is that a few hours ago I was ready to call it quits. Now that I have talked to him, my head is all messed up and I am wondering if I over-reacted. He blames every negative thing he did over the past ten years on clonazepam and everything negative he is doing now on the withdrawal. He refuses to admit he is an acoholic. We are in financial distress and he is out buying rum on his VISA!
Anyways...here I am again looking to you guys to tell me that I am not crazy. I mean, he is talking about how the pharmaceutical companies are trying to get the whole world on drugs, so that they can make money. I have to admit I am not entirely comfortable with how many people take prescription drugs, but he feels there is actually a master plan by the companies to drug all of us! I feel he is mentally ill and needs help, but I don't know what to do. He talks about Hitler and the Nazis and the drugging of the Jews and how the same peopl who make our prescription drugs are the same people who made the Zyclon (spelling?) gas. What are your options when dealing with someone like this when they refuse to see they have a problem?
I'm sorry you have so much chaos on your plate right now. I know what that is like.
Options?
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
You aren't crazy but you are exposed to 'crazy-making'.
This leaves the option of working on yourself, trusting your higher power, and developing roots in the alanon program. Remember, your AH has a higher power too.
Wow I read all that and it actually is a repeat from the past. So I have to tell you what I found out for myself.... You are not crazy (totally). Yeah the reservation is the totally because the last word of the 2nd step which reads "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY." This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions so you're qualified. From my experience you are dealing with someone who is dellusional. He is under the influence...very under the influence of drug and alcohol intoxification and he has no hold on reality. Under the circumstances pat yourself on the back and hold on to your own awareness because it is the truth. If you are not in the face to face meetings of the Family Groups I suggest you get there soon and if you have a connect to family protection I use that also. When he grabbed those glasses from your head/face and said what he said you were being threatened and he had crossed the line of self control. I have intimate experience and awareness of spousal violence and that was a wakeup call as you described it and a step toward severe harm. The last event locally I was made aware of was 3 days ago and a woman, her daughter and the abuser all lost their lives. She didn't act soon enough to save her life and the life of her daughter...We have to act faster, more decisively and as a large group to stop it.
In support Lynn and you gotta do the work. Keep coming back and letting us know what's going on. (((((hugs)))))
He will blame it on you, he will blame it on the drug companies, anything but himself. Nothing you say or do is going to change his mind. You have to take care of YOU. Please keep coming back here and listen to the advice these wise, wonderful folks will give. Some of it will apply, some won't but it will all be offered by those who have been exactly where you are right now, and have come out on the other side. You don't have to face this alone anymore.
Love from Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Your situation is SO very close to mine. MY husband drinks and abuses prescription drugs. Him blaming the drug companies is ridiculous. Not everyone who is on prescription drugs becomes addicted. I've taken 1/2 of a xanax to sleep since I found out I had cancer for the third time. I take LESS than called for. I've actually called my husbands doctors because they kept giving him Oxycodone which he would abuse...his pain isn't THAT bad. I told the doctors if they didn't quit giving him the drug, I was going to turn them into somebody (not sure who I'd call). They didn't even monitor his usage plus they KNEW he was an alcoholic. My doctors watch my xanax usage like hawks and I'm glad they do. As far as I know they have quit giving it to him. He used to crush it up and snort it up his nose.
Alcoholics are very good at blaming other people and making us doubt ourselves. I did that for YEARS. I do know now that I didn't cause it and can't cure it. I still have problems with the letting go part and still living my life despite his bad behavior. I tend to let his moods and drinking ruin my day. Yesterday was one of them and today doesn't look much better.
Good luck and I hope you find some peace in your life.
