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My ah finally stopped drinking. For now. It took our 13 yr old daughter finally stepping in and telling him he was ruining himself, and his family. And Im grateful he stopped. Im trying to be ok and happy and act like everything is ok cuz I dnt want him to start again. For my kids sake and for his own, but its not ok and Im so so mad. I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted and alone yet surrounded. I feel like the wall in this house are closing in on me and I cant get out. I know he needs support so he stays sober and I know our kids need to be able to stay in their home and still have us be a family. I know Im still a wife and a mom.. But where in the world do I put this meaness inside of me? He is trying so hard and I just want away from him. Its horrible of me but somewhere in this mess I lost me.. What do I do with it?
We often lose ourselves when we are affected by alcoholism. I'm so glad you are posting here. I think the most important thing is to find yourself again. Alanon can help you and your daughter/children with that. I was struck by an awareness that another member, Canadian Guy, had shared. He wished his AW would relapse so he could have a good reason to leave. If they get sober, and our relationship still stinks, then what are we to do?
I hope you will get to meetings if you are not already, I believe you will find the clarity you are looking for and you will gain the strength to know who you are and how you want to be in your relationships.
I know that before I got to the program and my AH was still drinking, it was very hard to know what I even felt at any given time. For me, so much of life with an active alcoholic was just anticipating the next disaster and being tense and on edge every single second. If you feel that you cannot express anger so you just bottle it up, it has no place to grow and it builds. Lots of people come into the program with a ton of anger and that's normal. It is part of the process. You are not alone.
My AH had several attempts at sobriety that didn't stick - so he'd be sober for a week and then drink again. It was very hard to know what to do. During all that, I found out I was pregnant and I was scared to tell him because I thought I would stress him out and he would drink. I talked to my sponsor about it. She said that, just like there is nothing I could do to make him stop drinking, there was also nothing I could do to make him start drinking if he was committed to his recovery. Even if he drank and then blamed me for it, it meant that he would've picked up the drink anyway. It was never my fault that he picked up a drink in the past, and it will never be my fault if he picks one up in the future either. In Alanon, we have the 3 C's ... I did not Cause another person's alcoholism, I cannot Control their alcoholism, and I cannot Cure their alcoholism.
It seems like you should be happy, right? He stopped drinking and that was what you've been wanting, right? Life in early sobriety is hard, though, because things are just so different. When my AH got sober for this last time (he has about 17 months now), he had just enough energy to stay sober. For a couple of months, staying sober was pretty much the only thing he could focus on. I felt angry because I felt neglected. I also felt like I didn't really know what to do, because my whole existence had become about trying to keep him from drinking. Once he stopped drinking, I didn't know what to do with myself for a while. I
If there are face to face meetings in your area, I hope you will go. It is really nice to be amongst people that understand exactly where you're at. Alateen would offer similar support to your children. As an ACOA, I wish I'd had Alateen. I plan to take my children when they are old enough.
Hope you will keep coming back - getting help for yourself is the best thing you can do.
Welcome, glad to hear your A has stopped, that is a great accomplishment.
You must realize that the A does not need your support, he has his own program.
You need support and Alanon is the place for you. You need to let go of the A and concentrate on your own recovery. When we are immersed in the A's disease, we are busy, we are diverted , we are not in touch with ourselves. Then when they stop and the drama is diminished we dont know what to do. Who are we if were not fixing it.
Relish the time, give yourself permission to indulge on your inner journey. Practice Alanon, it will be your saving.
I cannot suggest anything different that what was suggested to me and which I followed up on and then it worked for me. Take yourself and your anger to the nearest face to face Al-Anon meeting that you can...take it there and leave it there. Come back home different. You need to support and fix yourself soon.
Keep coming back here and learn more. Miracles do happen here. (((hugs)))
I was the same way with my AH. I couldn't understand why I was so angry. One night there was a movie on that was about the history of how Al-anon got started and there was a small little part about one of the ladies being angry at her recovering alcoholic and not knowing why. For some reason, knowing that helped me and I was able to release some of that anger. I knew it was normal and it felt good to know that. I think I was angry because I sensed he expected me to be completing forgiving of the past just because he was sober. It will take a long time to work through the things he has put me and my family through and I resented the fact that he thought I should "just get over it." He put me through hell. A counselor of mine said that she can compare my feelings to what soldiers feel after the war is over---post tramatic stress.
You have a right to be angry. You need to work through your feelings of mistrust and fear. Al-anon meetings can help but make sure you find the right one for you. They all aren't a good fit. So if you don't get help from one, try another. I haven't been to one is a while because I couldn't connect at one of them but I need to take my own advice and go to another.
