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When my ex-AH was drinking in the spring, I told him if he slipped again, he'd have to be sober for a month before he could see the kids again. I'd discussed it with all three kids' counselors, and we all felt it was appropriate. We moved out to get away from the day-to-day insanity of alcoholism; I don't see any reason to subject them to it now.
I've worked at home since my oldest daughter was born 11 yeas ago, but I started a new job outside the house Monday. A friend of mine took the kids to a lake house -- their first vacation in 8 years (the first ever for the youngest) for three days while I got acclimated at work. They all had a blast. I missed them so much and am thrilled to have them back home.
Their dad hasn't called since the night they were due home and he definitely sounded like he'd been drinking Wednesday. I told him earlier this month it would be two months of sobriety if he slipped again. So now I'll have to tell them it'll be two months 'til they see dad again. I was going crazy missing them for three days... I can't imagine not seeing them for a month or two. So now I'm doubting my decision but I know I've got to put the kids first. I guess since I haven't heard from him today, I really can decide not to decide and get some rest tonight.
Since he has been drinking , it will be two months before he can see the kids, is that what your saying, so why are you regretting your decision?. Are you projecting what you think your husband will feel if he doesnt see them? Im not clear.
What do the kids know about their Father, do they know he is sick? Maybe a visitation with the counselor as the over seer. You can offer that and he must be sober.
Im sure your HP will lead you in the right direction.
Could the kids see their dad on a supervised visit (if he is sober at the time of the visit) instead of waiting 2 months?
I certainly understand not wanting to turn my kids loose with a drunk guy. Just seems kinda unfair to not let the kids see their dad for 2 months. Just my .02 - in no way intended to be offensive, as I don't know the particulars of your situation.
Like, Betting, I am sure your HP will show you the right way. Deciding not to decide tonight is a very healthy decision. :)
You have set what sounds like a reasonable boundary, and I wonder why you regret it already. Well, I for one , would try to stick by it. On the other hand, you are free to change your boundaries if they aren't realistic.
I'm happy that your children are your main concern, along with taking care of yourself of course.
Aloha L...that kind of decision may help in raising his bottom and causing him to go seek help for the disease. If he's still drinking; he's still drinking and this is a progressive disease...it can only get worse never better. If he's still drinking his focus and attention is being drunk that is another thing the disease is consistent on...compulsion of the mind in spite of anything else that's going on in the alcoholic's life...Drink comes first and everything else later. Sad, so sad and real. Tough love does work from time to time. You have all the proof here at MIP from the other stories of what happens in this disease of alcoholism. It is easier to read and accept and stay in reality than to read, deny it will happend to you and then get back on the roller coaster again. Take it to the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. ((((hugs))))
I'm thinking this one through. Setting boundaries is a good thing and something many of us struggle to learn how to do. But I wonder if the one-month, two-month thing would count as punishment or an attempt to control him? If we could control them, there'd be no alcoholism. But unfortunately, we can't.
What I wished someone had told me is that most alcoholics do not recover. The statistic is something like 25% make it to recovery. So statistically there is a 75% chance that he will not achieve longterm sobriety. When I realized this, I changed my mindset.
So I guess one question to ask might be: What would the arrangement with the children be if he had no longterm sobriety? My own A ex-H is mostly a binge-drinker, so he has sober times, and we've set up a regular visiting schedule and he seems to time his binges at different points. I'm "lucky" in that, I know. I wouldn't let our son go with him if he turned up drunk for one of the visits. And he lives only a block away, so there's no fear that he will drink while away and drive our son back home drunk. So we've found a system that is working for now even though he hasn't recovered. If he were drunk full-time, I'd have to think seriously about how to handle it.
It's hard being the only one to make the sane adult decisions. I hope you can find a way that protects your kids and yet lets them see their dad. Hugs to you.
