powerless sorry this is a not sure if this ok to post here - Al-Anon Family Group

Slugcat · Veteran Member

powerless sorry this is a not sure if this ok to post here

Slugcat · Veteran Member

do i go to coda about this?
I hate this stuff i hate it.
I dont know where i can go to deal with this. i go to aa for me.
i went to a few alanon about my husband when his drinking was bad but its reduced now to a few a day if that so maybe he is ok and has no problem.
my relative is the one i am so worred about and hes not a drunk. he eats compulsively so i dont know where to go.
I am wierd bc i was worried about him a while back then something else happened and took all my attention and now i am back worrying.
if i go see him it wont change anything will it. He wont listen to me. when he was gambling he wouldnt listen he had to be caught stealing (so out of character he is such a good person) before he admited he had a problem.
My family is so full of addicts and abusers and survivors of child abuse. its used to be and i guess still is pretty dysfunctional.

I should shut up and go to sleep so i can try out a coda meeting tomorrow.

sorry for posting. my mind is very scattered right now.

-- Edited by Slugcat on Friday 20th of August 2010 08:03:40 PM

-- Edited by Slugcat on Friday 20th of August 2010 08:05:24 PM

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome (( slugcat ))

This is the right place to vent. I know for me that alanon made a lot more sense when I got the book, 12 steps for adult children. There are lots of acoas here, so I feel very comfortable here. Yes, we are codependents and the A are codies too - we all focus on each other - blame shift and hope others take up our stuff.

Best way to help an A (whether it be drugs, booze, sex, gambling, working, food - whatver A's can substitue addictions) is to work a solid healthy program of your own. We all only get one life/one walk. It is ours alone - we cannot do it for each other. We all get to feel-deal-heal our own stuff. For me, I slip when I am thinking about someone else's mental health or their life choices. That isnt my decision or mine to judge. I accept those I love for who they are and I do not try to change them.
I allow them the dignity to solve their own life problems, just like you are the only one that can change your life/reality and find peace, happiness and well being. It is within us all. When I began working on me and lovingly detaching from other's issues, moods, whims, feelings, attitudes -and- focused on me and what was healthy for me - life got much easier to deal with and genuinely easier and more pleasant.

No amount of self sacrifice that you do - can change another person. I know I wasted twenty five yrs doing that. Enough was enough and I decided to try something different. Thank god I stayed for the miracle. Alanon is all about you. What can you do to allow you to feel better about YOU.

When I worry, I pray for them and hand them over the HP. Then I practise faith that HP has them and knows what is best for them. Sometimes it just isnt in god's timing yet. We are powerless over other people, places and things -but- we are not powerless over ourselves. Once I began to change and focus on me - it was so empowering!!! Glad u found us, hope u keep coming back. Know that you are not alone.

What you focus on grows and gets bigger ~ so focus on something positive (not your worst fears) and let HP take care of the future and you get into right now - this is reality, this is your life ~ what do YOU want to do? recovery is self discovery!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Slugcat,

There are no rules.

If you feel that he will die soon, you must do what you feel is right in your heart.

I say pick one thing to do, you cant do them all. If he should pass away, have no regrets.

Do go to your meeting, listen and learn, apply.

Wishing you strength and courage.

Luv, Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

"I feel i should be able to do SOMETHING to help him get better. Its driving me insane."

It's so hard to watch addicts. And it sounds as if you've gotten into that obsessing and dwelling on it thing that we tend to do. (That's part of our own addiction.)

It's like we're saying "I can't stand the grief of realizing that our loved one has a serious problem that is impacting his life and likely going to make him die early. I must control this person because I can't stand the grief."

It is increasingly clear to me that life is about learning to live with a lot of grief. It starts overwhelming us if we're not careful. If we think about the people we know lost to addictions, or to other terrible problems, illnesses, emotional problems, war, poverty ... It can all get so overwhelming. It's hard to know how to balance these things with the joy we also ought to find in the world. Because it's not fair to ourselves or those around us to deny ourselves the joy too.

I don't know if this will help, but people who have the bypass operations quite often don't get better unless they have a solid program of recovery going. In other words, the operation alone doesn't guarantee much. They turn their addiction somewhere else, so many people who've had the operation have gone into alcoholism. Others override the operation (it's possible) and gain the weight back. The statistics are sobering. So it's not a matter of whether or not he has the operation. Like all addicts, he has to want to recover. And like all addictions, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.

Just as overeaters can shift their addiction to alcohol, alcoholics can switch their addiction to codependency (or any other addiction). Do you think some of the energy of your old addictive mindset might be directing itself here? The thing about obsessing, as I've found, is that, unlike alcohol or even food, there is an endless supply -- you can do it with no money and no resources, and it always feels as if it's "helpful." It seems more justifiable than alcohol, so we can convince ourselves that it's not an addiction, it's just caring.

I always think of the saying "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." Is there something you're underfocusing on? Are there issues in your own life (the one thing you do have power over) that it would help to look at? Those are the things I have to ask myself whenever I get to obsessing (in other words, about a million times a day).

I hope you can get to some meetings too. Whether CODA or Al-Anon, they're all different looks at the same thing: learning how to find sanity and serenity again. That's the best position to relate to the rest of the world. Hugs to you.

-- Edited by Mattie on Saturday 21st of August 2010 02:48:40 AM

Slugcat · Veteran Member

Hi thank you for the help. I need to get to meetings. I like Alanon the literature is good and i can relate to it. I got coda literature it doesnt relate to me the same exact way.
Can I go to an alanon meeting i want to get a an alanon sponsor but my big concern is not about someones drinking. I had a step father who was an alki and my husbands drinking is bad sometimes and i went to alanon cause it was kinda out of control a while back. He still drink but only a little now. It annoys me because i go to an aa meeting and he goes and buys some cider. but it is not my main worry right now. So i have to go to Coda right.

-- Edited by Slugcat on Saturday 21st of August 2010 08:52:52 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Slugcat Welcome

You have been given some great feedback and I just signed on the responds to your last post. Here yout Indicated that you came from an alcoholic family had been to alanon meetings and connected and then you asked Should I go to Coda?

My answer: is that if you feel better in alanon meetings, alanon literature speaks to you, and your have a step father who was an A then:

Alanon is your program. Please claim your seat and pick up more literture and begin your journey of recovery.

Slugcat · Veteran Member

Thanks reason i say i like the alanon literature is cause i have found stuff on detachment and i need to do that. So far ive not found it so easily in the coda stuff.
I am so messed up obessing over everyone in my life though so i guess i need coda. My husband wants me to see a pshycologist he thinks i have obessive personality or ocd. I have been seeng a counsellor before for almst a decade but my husband thinks i need a proper shrink shrink not just a counsellor.

I hate my husband how he drinks every time i go to an aa meeting hes going to get his cider. i hate how he is so perfect according to him except hes about as empathic as a brick wall. I need to look at my resentment with him and do my program because ive been sober myself for 10 years and i get mad that he has never once been to an alanon meeting himself- and one aa meeting in those 10 years. No he doesnt need support or anything because according to him hes all ok and i am the one with the problems.

I dont know whats wrong with me i feel im having a break down. I couldnt stop crying yesterday and worrying about my relative. all day fro morning till 3am. I spoke to him on the phone and ended up mentioning aa and oa meetings. I pryed and i feel like crap because of it. i dont want to pry anymore. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

Maybe i just got a bad case of pmt to add to all this but i feel so crazy and sad and just obessive.

i need to learn detachment like someone needs to learn how to grab onto a life raft. If i dont something soon im going to lose it. Would a sponsor help with that someone sent me a email very kindly has a link to an article about detachment but i am not sure totallhy how to do wht the article says.

i guess i need to get to a meeting coda or alanon anything but do some action. the detachment article i read is very good. i need someone to help me figure out how to do it in practise.

like with my relative. how do i set boundaries i need to get to a meeting and ask.

also what someone says here about my obessive stuff taking my mind off my own stuff yes thats so true. when i feel worry for someone else though i dont see that im avoiding my own stuff.

mostly yesterday i just cried a lot feels like grief hurts a lot knowing people hurting ad killing themselves. i cant live in it though i have to detach because otherwise this is going to kill me. I deserve to be happy i cant give my happyness to someone who is in the middle of addiction. i see ow how i am doing that.

it hurts i wish they were ok but i cant rely on them getting well to make it ok for me to be happy because its not even them im handing my happyness over to its the damn disease and since when does a disease care, if anything it wants me hurting and wants me dead.

I am going to go to some meetings this week

-- Edited by Slugcat on Sunday 22nd of August 2010 06:45:37 AM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate very much to much of what you are saying, being in relationship with people who don't seem to relate to you. I also felt resentment about people telling me what to do and labelling me. In addition I felt absolutely responsible for others particularly those in pain and who seemed to be on a total self destruction issue.

I can also relate to feeling absolutely over whelmed with guilt and sorrow.

Detaching is not an easy prospect, learning boundaries is not easy. Neverthless they are possible. It all starts with us, with being willing. Willingness is action, taking action every day and seeing what happens, being willing to try something other than what we have been doing.

Al anon has been a real lifeline for me in times of severe stress.

I'm glad you are sober and taking care of yourself. Learning new skills is never easy but you can do it. You can come to this group anytime you feel like it and share your progress and thoughts. Welcomes

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.