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I don't know what happened, my bf came back from rehab this past weekend and was doing well all week, going to AA every day and even went two times one day. He is living with his parents, who started Alanon but are not really working the program at all. They were supposed to give him his check book back and relinquish his responsibilities back to him as per the rehab counselor. It took them until Thursday to do that. Then his parents got in a huge fight about how much actual cash that my bf had in his pocket. My bf decided the next morning to drink (ah the disease took over). When I arrived to visit him last night, he was in a blackout. He was awake and talking, but told me later that he had no recollection of me arriving. Well actually what happened was when I arrived, his mom told me she had no idea where he was. Of course at first I panicked. Then I tried to sit with it for a bit. My head would not allow me to. I kept thinking, if this were just a friend of mine out walking and drunk, I would go and find her and bring her home. So we decided to go for a drive to see if we could get him. We found him a few minutes later walking up the street toward the house. He got in the car and came home. This is what he doesn't remember, and he doesn't have any idea of anything until I took him for a ride in my car to get him some food. This was all my own choosing. I decided to stay with him and see if I could find out what was going on. It all came out about 9pm when he was sober enough to talk. He said he drank, where before that he was in denial and saying he didn't. He said he drank because his parent's argument about him pushed him over the edge. I knew when he left rehab that he shouldn't go back to their house, that he should go to a halfway house, but they didn't want to hear that. On to me... I know I relapsed, because even though I stayed calm and didn't freak or cry like I used to, I didn't leave when I found him there drunk. I had told myself that I would leave if he was drunk when I arrived, but for some reason, I wanted to hear from him what was going on. So I know I fell.... I am exhausted today, I am moving into my new apartment this weekend, I have my son all weekend and I have a lot going on. I don't have a Friday meeting to get to in my area unfortunately. So I am here. There is one Saturday at 7pm that I will try to make it to. I have a big day Sunday with the actual move and all, but I think the meeting will be a good thing either way. Before I had alanon I would have felt terrible for my bf and felt that I should have helped him. I would have stayed with him while he puked and helped him to bed etc. I didn't do that this time, I let him suffer his own consequences....I know now that it was his choice to fall and let the disease take over. I know that it was also my choice to fall and let my alanon's disease take over.... I know this is long. Thanks for reading. I guess some E S & H are in order? I don't need advice, just encouragement... thanks!
-- Edited by Maize on Friday 20th of August 2010 03:14:03 PM
Maize, you did nothing wrong, and neither did his parents. You did more than he deserved by going out looking for him. Even when he sobered up he was still blaming his parents: "He said he drank because his parent's argument about him pushed him over the edge. " However, you have now acknowledged that he is responsible for himself ("I let him suffer his own consequences...."). That is a huge step and you have done really well.
You cannot do more for him than you have done already. Now it is time to look after yourself, attend AlAnon meetings and begin your own recovery. Good Luck!
Ultimately if he's in AA, he should have a sponsor or a list of phone numbers to call, and he knows that, and he could have chosen to give a member in the fellowship a call when that urge to drink came.
In any case - he slipped and that's what A's do. There are many A's with 10+ years of recovery who end up relapsing. You just never know. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Don't over-analyze yourself. You did what you thought was the best thing you could at the time. If you feel remorse or regret for any of the decisions you made, just make a mental note of them and perhaps think about what you might do different the next time... because there will be a next time. God gives us infinite chances to practice doing things different.
I have to agree with Aloha...there will always be another chance to do things differently, as there will always be another "reason" for him to drink. Don't spend your time with shoulda, woulda, coulda, because every situation is always going to be different than the last, and if you spend all your time second guessing yourself, you will probably find it harder to make good choices for YOU. I think this is a day for slipping....my abf had been gone for over two weeks, Army stuff, and I was so looking forward to seeing him again when I got home from work...and I did..passed out drunk in the chair with his bottle by his side...slip, yeah, he did, but I dont feel regret or remorse, disappoinment..most definitely..but I have learned to find and make my own happiness, so I will go out to dinner myself and carry on with what I had planned for the evening, without him, because that is MY choice. Keep your chin up and worry and care for you and you only...
seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
You showed great strength and awareness in your comments of stopping to think what you would do if it were any friend, and that everything you did was of your choice. When I make those choices and am aware of it I can live without the load of resentment that feeling trapped in situations can cause me. It does not mean I will change my actions nor does it mean I will do it again the same next time but for today I can walk without resentment.
I'm sorry that he relapsed, I know it is hard to be disappointed and hurt for our A's. Life creates many challenges that can push all our bottons and we all have to learn to handle those challenges in the best way for each of us. If there is blame it is on the disease of alcoholism, hopefully he will continue practicing using his tools and someday be able to better manage stresses just you are
Wow, thank you all. I don't resent my choices and I am glad I got through it so much more calmly. It was weird. My HP was really there with me and I was not excited or worried like before.... I felt a complete awareness and calm.... Thank you all. I really am grateful!
I don't know what happened, my bf came back from rehab this past weekend and was doing well all week, going to AA every day and even went two times one day. He is living with his parents, who started Alanon but are not really working the program at all. They were supposed to give him his check book back and relinquish his responsibilities back to him as per the rehab counselor. It took them until Thursday to do that. Then his parents got in a huge fight about how much actual cash that my bf had in his pocket. My bf decided the next morning to drink (ah the disease took over). When I arrived to visit him last night, he was in a blackout. He was awake and talking, but told me later that he had no recollection of me arriving. Well actually what happened was when I arrived, his mom told me she had no idea where he was. Of course at first I panicked. Then I tried to sit with it for a bit. My head would not allow me to. I kept thinking, if this were just a friend of mine out walking and drunk, I would go and find her and bring her home. So we decided to go for a drive to see if we could get him. We found him a few minutes later walking up the street toward the house. He got in the car and came home. This is what he doesn't remember, and he doesn't have any idea of anything until I took him for a ride in my car to get him some food. This was all my own choosing. I decided to stay with him and see if I could find out what was going on. It all came out about 9pm when he was sober enough to talk. He said he drank, where before that he was in denial and saying he didn't. He said he drank because his parent's argument about him pushed him over the edge. I knew when he left rehab that he shouldn't go back to their house, that he should go to a halfway house, but they didn't want to hear that. 
