The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been drinking for many years. Two years ago I told him he needed to get it under control within the next year. He continued to drink excessively until about month 10. At that time I asked him if he had any plans of reigning it in, he didn't even know when the year started. So.....he quit drinking just like that. I didn't realize he had developed a cocaine problem during that time. The cocaine was started because 1. he wanted to loose weight 2. he thought he was losing me so what did he have to lose 3. he was bored 4. it made him feel things. You pick the reason you want.
Needless to say the crap hit the fan. We worked through that, he stopped cocaine, stopped drinking blah blah blah. He was pretty grumpy about not drinking because "he's not an alcoholic, sure he fits the text book definition but not everything is black and white, there are shades of gray" He quite going to a substance abuse councelor because they didn't have anything to talk about. He doesn't go to meetings because they just make him realize that he doesn't have a problem like everyone else there. He just wants to be able to have a drink with friends here and there if he would like to.
Fast forward to three months ago. His occassional drink with friends turned into a 12pack a week (whether it be in one sitting or four) or more if there was a reason. Pick a reason. I finally got fed up, told him I want a divorce and filed the paperwork. NOW he wants to go to couples counseling to make it better. I told him I would attend, as I've been telling him for a year, but I'm still filing. When we went to our first session, the therapist (who is also a licensed addictions counselor) told him everything I've been saying for years. I almost kissed the woman.
I realized I'm not crazy. I went to an Al-Anon meeting yesterday and realized again that I'm not crazy and I'm not making a mountain out of a mole hill. I also realized that my attitude of indifference is really OK. The only down fall is that I really love him. I've been with him for 22years. He's a great person, a great father and the love of my life. I'm just tired of all of the addictive behaviors and justification. It makes me very sad.
Thats what this disease does, it makes us doubt ourselves, we are so immersed in getting them sober that we forget ourselves and contact and validation from the outside world.
This disease will soak you up like a used sponge.
Im so glad you stepped outside and went to an Alanon meeting. Your Husband has the big "D" denial, all the excuses that every addict uses, blah, blah, blah. Just fill in the blanks.
My XAH was the love of my life, married 26 years, while I realize every situation is different, the disease brings about the same effects for us," insanity."
Stick with Alanon, because it will help you gain peace and serenity and its about you and your relationsip with yourself.
Wishing you strength, courage and wisdom, Luv, Bettina
Aloha Schnook...No you're not crazy...You don't sound as crazy as I was when I got to the doors of Al-Anon and I'm so certain that I was certifiable but one step ahead of the net. I called Help in Emotional Problems and the Suicide Prevention Center and there was no one home that could help me. My HP guided my fingers and eyes over to the Al-Anon Hotline and I got a living, talking, member of the family groups and I've never been the same. Like Bettina suggested get into the meetings and focus only on you...who you are, what you are, what you do, what you don't do, what you need and what you don't...you'll start to change and your alcoholic/addict will be caught off guard by the positive changes and have to make changes himself. So often I've heard and seen the alcoholic/addict head into recovery because they now had to face themselves without the buffer of the enabler protecting them from the pain of their choices and behaviors. Good luck.
We have an Al-Anon member locally who got into program before her drunk and use to brag on him...she was soooo proud of him and he was soooo special (she was so deep in denial she needed a snorkle). As a newbie she use to say that "My alcoholic is glad I'm in program (of course it was all her fault) and that "He had her back!!" When I use to hear her say this I wanted to fall on the floor laughing and kicking. She decided to go to a major conference on the island and since he "had her back" he would go with her to make sure she got "it". During the conference he wandered over to the AA side of the street and ended up admitting he was alcoholic...LOL Today she has her own back, back and he's sober 6 years taking care of his own back(side). It's not near as sad as it use to be. Often times it's more fun than listening to a newbie saying her wonderful alcoholic has got her back.
Keep coming back and continue your meetings and while you're there we got your back. (((((hugs)))))
Shnook, you are doing incredibly well. It is not easy to call time on a 22 year old relationship. Pleased to see you are now looking after you. After taking so much you deserve some attention. It is sad - it's a horrible disease - but there comes a time when you have to start thinking what it is that you want. I may not be the best person to give advice to you because I have been with my AH for 38 years - although his dependence on alcohol has only been apparent in the last 6 or so years. You need to do what is best for you. Attend AlAnon meetings and come and vent here when necessary - you are among friends who know exactly what it is like and what ou are going through - we have all been there.
I wanted to kiss my marriage therapist too for the same exact reasons. I am not crazy either, and it was GRAND to have someone confirm that. The frustration I felt when my xah ignored my sharing of not wanting or being able to live like this for any longer was unbelievable. I'm so glad you are attending meetings and have found MIP. Practicing the tools makes a difference. Welcome.
Oh, man, Shnook! Sounds like you're already well on your way to taking care of yourself!
My sponsor said once that it did not matter how many times I said something to my AH, he was not going to hear it from me ... that he may go into the rooms of AA and hear it there and it will click and he will act like it's an idea he's never heard before. Maybe it's because only alcoholics can really understand how other alcoholics feel ... just like those of us here can understand how newcomers feel. I don't know, I just know that my sponsor was right. No matter how many times I tried to get my AH straightened out, he did not listen. He had to figure it out for himself.
Sounds like you are getting a handle on taking care of yourself. You're not at all crazy. It's very tiring leading the life we all led before we got here. It's nice when you can get to the point where you re-focus all the energy you had been spending on trying to get the alcoholic to change onto yourself and things that actually make you happy.
Glad you're here - keep coming back!
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 20th of August 2010 10:00:41 PM
Don't forget, we are the provokers in this merry go round. We are never listened too!!! Everyday we engage with a alcoholic s rhetoric , we are diminished in their eyes. Yet they want us there for the dynamics, for they cannot play out the sick game thats going on in their sick little minds.
