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I told my husband that I had a meeting to go to. I'd decided that if he asked me what meeting it was, I would tell him. I'm pretty involved in some social things/organizations, and "going to a meeting" is pretty common for me. So he didn't ask before I left. I'm glad, because it was really hard to walk in that door and I don't know if I could have done it if I had additional negative feelings from the hubs.
So I got to the church and I felt good on the drive there, praying all the way, but when I pulled into the parking lot I just started to cry. I did NOT want to walk in there with red puffy eyes...I just wanted to sit there and kind of be invisible. :( I pulled it together and went in, and much to my relief, there were only about 5-6 people there. One of them smiled at me so I sat next to her.
It hit me when I sat down, that I was in an Al Anon meeting. It had come to this. No joke, no "he likes his beer", I'm married to an alcoholic and being here is totally admitting that. I started crying again. It is really freaking hard to try to cry and not look like you're crying. Then I got a diversion - they started the meeting, gave me a packet, and some guy started totally monopolizing the meeting in a really inappropriate way. I was so irritated. Thank goodness the leader shut him down - much more nicely than I could have done it - and the meeting went on.
My heart just broke for all these people who shared. I felt comfortable sharing just a little bit about my situation. Next to the people there, I guess I felt that my situation was not as desperate - but they were so compassionate and kind to me. I went in thinking it would likely be my first and last time, but I left determined to go back next week - even if I have to get a sitter. I really feel like I need to go back and be around these people again.
So that's the good part.
I got home and things were fine, I still planned on telling the husband IF he asked me where I was, and he said, "how was the meeting?" I said "good." He said, "was it a _____ meeting?" I said, "...no." and I thought, here we go. He got a little irritated that I didn't volunteer what KIND of meeting I was at, and he was like, "well if it's some big secret I guess you can't tell me." I said no, it wasn't a secret, and yes I could tell him where I was....I was at an Al Anon meeting.
He froze for a second. Then he said, "WHAT? Why were you THERE?" I calmly (yes, really! calmly!) said, "because Al Anon is for people who have family members who are alcoholics." Silence again. Then he kind of huffed and shook his head, and said "you've got to be kidding me." And then, "I'm sorry I asked."
And then he didn't speak to me, look at me, acknowledge me for the rest of the night. He knows that's the best way to hurt me. And it did.
So this morning, the "icy cold shoulder," as I call it, was still in full force, but I was determined to not dish out my own attack on him. After all, I do love the guy. I'm going to this thing (partially) to get HELP to deal with him more lovingly...right??? So I treated him like normal - but to no avail. He was still ignoring me. I finally asked him, "how long do you think you'll be making me feel like total crap? Just a ballpark estimate would be great, so I can plan." (Sarcastic, I know. I'm sure that was wrong. Sue me.) He said, "I guess for as long as I *feel* like total crap."
the end. he went to work and I went about my day, trying to be a good mommy to my precious kids but just dying on the inside. and I wonder if this is the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning, or...I have no idea what's going to happen now. Will things get better, or worse from here? Will he hate me now? Will he drink MORE? Treat me badly? What about next week when I go back? What will happen? How will he act? Will this tear our marriage apart? I have no guarantees that this is going to be OK.
I hate to be so negative, I'm just so scared...and sad...and HOPING that I'm doing the right thing...I don't want to lose my marriage.
Applecake, so glad you went and took great steps towards new serenity. Situations like this -- turmoil and anxiety -- are exactly what Al-Anon is for. And A's have a big "Change back!" reaction to almost any change. When the addiction feels threatened, it does everything it can to hang on and keep the status quo. He wants nothing to change because any change feels like it imperils the addiction. A change like -- anyone acknowledging that there's an addiction. As if it wouldn't exist if every one would just keep quiet! They actually think it's invisible. So invisible that they try like crazy to hide it from themselves. It's amazing how something that "doesn't exist" takes so much time and trouble to hide and deny.
Remember that your going to Al-Anon doesn't change anything about who he is! It's his choice to feel bad or not feel bad about the choices he's made in his life.
As the great book "Getting Them Sober" points out, it's really hard to lose an alcoholic. All the while they're hanging on to their addiction and threatening all kinds of things so their lives won't change and they can rule the roost, the need us incredibly much more than they can reveal. Don't worry about that. As Al-Anon teaches, your journey now is to take care of yourself and your own peace of mind. You've made a great first step.
He was still ignoring me. I finally asked him, "how long do you think you'll be making me feel like total crap? Just a ballpark estimate would be great, so I can plan." (Sarcastic, I know. I'm sure that was wrong. Sue me.) He said, "I guess for as long as I *feel* like total crap."
the end. he went to work and I went about my day, trying to be a good mommy to my precious kids but just dying on the inside. and I wonder if this is the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning, or...I have no idea what's going to happen now. Will things get better, or worse from here? Will he hate me now? Will he drink MORE? Treat me badly? What about next week when I go back? What will happen? How will he act? Will this tear our marriage apart? I have no guarantees that this is going to be OK.
I hate to be so negative, I'm just so scared...and sad...and HOPING that I'm doing the right thing...I don't want to lose my marriage.
Dear Apple Cake
I am so glad you went to your first meeting and received comfort and broke the isolation. Your interaction with your husband was quite telling and your fears normal.
Please take a deep breath. Alanon tools are here for you so that your husbands weapons of "not talking to you will not destroy you and cause you so much self doubt and anxiety.
Please try to Live one Day at a Time, Be in the Moment and let go of any thoughts of the future, Try using the serenity prayer to restore you to center.
Mattie and Hot Rod were both right on. I will only add...stay strong...stay focused...and keep taking care of yourself first...by having the "Courage To Change"..."One Day At A Time".
I do enjoy watching a "Miracle In Progress". Keep going back and coming back.
** please see "offer of free book- one of first "sticky" post on this board. Free copy of "Getting them Sober" helped me a great deal.
Thank you Applecake for your post and everyone who responded-!!--- Wow reminds me how much I need to get to a face to face meeting and how much they help.
You never know when someone else will share something about their lives that helps you. That is just one of the many reasons it's so great to share and to listen.
Threatening, defensive behavior or the idea of them leaving hurts I know, perhaps it is much harder to take when you have small children. So you are in my prayers!
I might take him saying he felt like "total crap" as a sign he feels guilty about his drinking.
I've been told that alcoholics carry around almost constant guilt because of their drinking. I know my ABF talks about feeling like crap when I'm with him and "have to watch him walk into the beer store". They know even if they drink with a big smile on their face. They know.
When I first found al anon I told my A/BF my attending al anon was for the purpose of helping me get better, He still thought, for a long time, that al anon was a meeting where everyone sat around and talked about how horrible the alcoholics in their lives were. One day he drove my car and an Al Anon CD was on and another time we were on a long car trip and happened to listen to a Alanon CD that had funny stories (therefore he kept listening). He realized that al anon is about coping with the effects of the disease and loving him without loosing who I was, which I really needed and he wanted for me. Something was said about "Getting over it, getting off his back and getting up and getting on with my life" He began to understand what it was and seemed alot less threatened when he saw changes in me like my understanding that I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I couldn't change it--he actually liked that I was going to Al Anon. Unfortunately not enough to go to AA himself ( I understand that happens sometime they do that- see us get better then want to get better themselves).
He also seemed to learn from those CD's that I wasn't alone in my tantrums, craziness and outbursts of tears. He stopped talking about how insecure I was and seemed to begin to see and agree with (he grew up with alcoholic parents) the fact that having a loved one who is an alcoholic can cause us to present as different than we really are inside. These were real blessings during the first few months of my attending Alanon. You will find your own blessings I'm sure and you will begin to feel much more comfortable with him.
Yes I believe I read " It is hard to loose an alcoholic,,,,even if you really, really want to" and that helped me with his threats and helped me understand how "insecure" the disease may really make them feel.
When my A/ Bf said he was going to leave and I calmly said something like "I understand if you think that is best" he would drop the subject or when he stormed out and I remained calm, he always came back.
Your post and the response helped me remember how much better things are now than the were at one time.
-- Edited by glad on Friday 20th of August 2010 01:30:06 PM
Yay!! Good for you for going to your first meeting! I'm glad that it was a good experience.
Good job at using some of the program tools, too, in your interactions with your husband. You say you treated him like normal when he was giving the icy cold shoulder. That is a hard thing to do, and you did it! Yay!!
Detachment takes a lot of practice. I certainly don't have it down perfectly. There are moments I slip up and get caught up in feeling someone else's emotions instead of being able to detach and believe that nobody can MAKE me feel a particular way. It gets easier the more you do it. You're off to a great start already!
Like others have said, alcoholics are change-resistant, and alcoholism is a disease of secrecy. Anything that perpetuates change or exposes the secret causes them anxiety. In time, whether your husband gets help or doesn't, he will realize that this change is about YOU getting help for yourself and not you trying to help him. All is okay - just keep doing the next right thing for yourself.
Applecake, I'm so proud of you for going into the meeting :) Wonderful step forward for you in my opinion. What all the others said in their responses makes a lot of sense to me. Keep coming back .
What an enormous first step for you. :) I'm so happy you made it to a meeting and plan to go again.
I know it's a hard thing to accept, but crying at a meeting is A-OK. Although I, too, hate showing that kind of emotion at a meeting. But I've found every time the tears came, no one judged me, nor did anyone rush to try and "fix" me. They let me run through my emotions with loving patience, and I've learned to do the same for others when they come to a meeting and have some tears to shed.
Thanks for letting us know you went.
Your AH is going to do what he's going to do. My AH often administered the "silent-treatment" punishment on me. I eventually came to a place of acceptance and even found some gratitude in it. He could be sullen, but I didn't have to join in. I could even be thankful for a little quiet.
"Men don't cry" kinda, sorta is a cultural and scientific, religious rule and "they don't cry at meetings!!" is like the 11 commandment okay so I sinned again get me the delux room in hell. Meetings are the safest place to cry over pain and hurt...so there let it flow...everyone in the room will understand intimately and probably judge from their experience if it is a real good cry or just the sniffles cause we all have done it.
The friction with the alcoholic is normal also. It brings "The problem" out behind the veil and into the sun light without pointing the wagging finger (also known as the Al-Anon handshake) at the alcoholic with blame and accusation. Al-Anon is for family, friends and associates of alcoholics without the alcoholic naming the description. We know we have a problem. The reaction is normal...good job holding on to your composure...that is part of the test in the lessons on detachment. It's okay to let him squirm and if the only power and control he used is the cold shoulder and silence we also learn to be grateful for that because it doesn't disturb our prayer and spirit after a while. He is no longer your god and neither is his drinking...you can pull him down from the pedestal and/or altar and put up something more positive and power ful that loves you unconditionally. When he freaks...bless him and practice not justifying or defending yourself and your honest able decision making. You are in control of your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and spirit and I came to understand it was always supposed to be that way. "I am responsible for me and my own peace of mind and serenity. It is not about you." is what I told my alcoholic wife when she out of fear freaked out...more freakiness was to come and I was told it would so when it did it was like watching a rerun of what I was taught in the rooms of Al-Anon.
She didn't believe her drinking was a problem...fine and I accept that. She believed she could drink as usual...I could see that also. She never stated to me how she believed I should handle it and I made up my own mind on that and HP showed me into the rooms of Al-Anon. The alcoholic gives up control and then more control and it is fearful just like what you felt driving to the meeting, sitting in the car praying and crying and sitting at the table crying. Before you left he knew something was changing because your body language was telling him and when you came home he knew something was different. Both of you were on the same "change" page and for me I've learned not everyone accepts change automatically or naturally...we have to get use to it.
I hope you will continue to get use to it and you stay in the rooms of Al-Anon with an open mind and the willingness to learn and grow. The smallest reason not to do it would be that someone, anyone an alcoholic even would be scared of it and not like it. Congradulations on your courageous first step. (((((hugs)))))
