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I can't seem to get heart around how to (from my deepest truest self) forgive someone who deflects and dismisses attempts to resolve an issue with him.
I've been trying to "let go and let God" ....
Uhhhh,, not happening after 5 years.. so is acceptance and "blind" forgiveness the answer and if so how do I get there?
He has changed the behavior but since we are not in the exact same situation with the exact same people, I feel like he just changed like a camelion and if we were back in the same spot he would do the same again.
obviously this blocks alot of good new memories from "sticking" in my heart/ mind.
Is it something about getting strong enough in myself to not even care if he did repeat the behavior?
I understand forgiveness when someone express true remorse but how (or should you) do you forgive someone who seems to changebut you can't know for sure because they are emotionally uhh, different than me, and they can't or won't discuss it. Are you just supposed to be smart enough or strong enough to walk away from that person.
Living with an alcoholic is like a different planet than the one I grew up on (not saying my "planet" was the best one or perfect for sure) just asking for directions on this one.
ESH on forgiveness and acceptance or something else I'm just now seeing?
Even to me, I seem like a big "cry baby" on this one---whatever it is I'm supposed to learn it's just not happening.
I wonder if I've asked God for his answer and he's done all but come to me and hand it to me on stone tablets and I don't like the answer so I keep asking.
(((glad))) You don't always have to understand to forgive. The saying, "Forgive... it frees your soul" comes to mind. Part of their step work is to try to make amends.
Living with an alcoholic is tough at best. I have learned myself, that if I carry grudges, resentments, etc... toward him or others, it only hurts me in the end. I don't consider you a "cry baby", you are just frustrated. And that is ok. Keep reading your literature, f2f, and coming here, the answers that you seek may be right in front of you and you just haven't identified with them yet. Peace to you...
FORGIVENESS TOOK ON DIFFERENT FORMS FOR ME FROM THE BEGINNING OF PROGRAM TO TODAY.
AT FIRST I FOUND THAT MY DEFINATON OF FORGIVENESS WAS FAULTY, SO I HAD TO DEFINE WHAT I MEANT BY FORGIVENESS. bEFORE PROGRAM I THOUGHT THAT I HAD TO FORGET ABOUT THE INCIDENT AND BLINDLY TRUST AGAIN AND THAT NEVER WORKED . NOT SO MY PROGRAM AND SPONSER SAID!!!
FORGIVENESS FOR ME WAS GIVING UP THE ANGER AT THE PERSON FOR WHATEVER THE INFRACTION. sTILL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED SO THAT I COULD EXAMINE MY PART. JUST AS DIFFICULT BUT MANAGEABLE BY THE STEPS.
I WORKED THE 6TH STEP ON THE RESENTMENTS AND ANGER AND SAW HOW THAT R WAS HURTING ME . I BECAME ENTIRELY READY TO LET IT GO AND THEN IN THE 7TH STEP I ASKED HP TO REMOVE IT.
STEP 8 AND 9 ENABLED ME TO SEE MY PART IN THE PROBLEM AND CHANGE MY RESPONSE TO THE PERSON AND SITUATION.
ONE OF THE BIG ISSUES I NEEDED TO LET GO OF WITHIN ME WAS: JUDGING AND CRITICISING EVERYONE WHO DID NOT ACT IN THE FASHION I WANTED.
TODAY I CAN LIVE AND LET LIVE BECAUSE I FOCUS ON MYSELF AND TRY TO KEEP MY SIDE OF THE STREET CLEAN. I CAN BE DETACHED FROM YOUR MOTIVES AND ACTIONS AS LONG AS MINE LIVE UP TO MY ALANON PRINCIPLES.
I think everything comes down to ourself. Its not about the other person. Its about the relationship towards yourself and your reactions.
Do I have a grudge? Do I resent? Do I always criticize this person , in my actions and in my thoughts. Violence isnt always a physical action toward another, its how you react verbally and what you think. Its about the "courage to change the things I can", your serenity depends on acceptance. The word here is "Things" not people. Herein lies forgiveness, by your actions. Also not to accept blame for another persons irrational actions.
glad, I have difficulty forgiving my AH of 38 years for what he has put me and my children through for the last 6 years when he has been totally dependent on alcohol. I don't think I ever will deep down even though Christianity preaches forgiveness. He has put me through too much and for too long. I would like to think I have forgiveness in my heart but it's a tough call. It is so hard to realise the drink is more important to him than the children and I.
Don't beat yourself up about it - you are human, not super-human (even though we like to think that sometimes)
Wow!! what an important thread and powerful solutions and ESH. The literature with their indexes and the subject discussion meetings and great courageous sponsorship was my Experience. Reading the pages in the indexs of the daily readers on the subjects of forgiveness and acceptance and writing in my literature the responses of others with more time in meetings and taking the time to pick the minds of my sponsorship was reaching the gold mine of recovery. I arrived at and around Bettina's ESH. I had to look inward also always inward and what I was lacking and acknowledge what I was doing by second nature. "I cannot harbor a grudge or resentment unless I am being judgemental first"... "I cannot practice acceptance and anger" at the same time they are polar opposite feelings...anger negative/acceptance positive. "If what I am getting is pain and I want peace I will practice the opposite of what I am doing and feeling. "When I blame I am holding another person up to a standard I cannot meet myself. My value system is unbalanced and therefore I cannot love uncondition- ally which is total love.
I wanted to adopt acceptance and forgiveness as a working parts of my personality and character (become a walker not just a talker) and so I had to let go of any and all defenses I had against doing that including totally giving up the negative. I still practice that on a daily basis because my subconscious hasn't let go of "conditions" consciously I do...subconsciously I haven't.
In our literature Dr. Harry Tiebout explained about the difference twix surrender and submission and I learned why and how my changes have sometimes become fixed and others temporary. When I surrender my changes are fixed...permanent when I only submit the changes are temporary and will occur again. It's like I'm carrying a white flag and still have a gun behind me. "There will come a day I will win." Finally I was asked the question that helps guide today. "Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?"
I'm glad I came to this lesson after revisiting pain and anger and the unwillingness to accept this afternoon that caused me to cry. I'm grateful you bought it up again so I can learn other practices.
