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My AH boyfriend left with one suitcase 3 weeks ago. took one week before he called and then called everyday but I did not answer. Finally, last week, I decided I needed to talk to him to see what was going on. He said he left because he felt like a burden after the disagreement we had. he was staying between a hotal and a woman friend's house, one that he knows I do not like but he has no one else to stay with when he is not home. We spoke every afternoon but never at night or on the weekends which I am assuming is because he was drinking then as he did when he was home. We spoke Friday am and he was fine. He called me at about 3:30 completely drunk and frustrated with the job he was working on. i told him I would call him later but if I did not get him to make sure he called me that night. He agreed. As of today, no phone call. His phone is due to be shut off anyday now unless he made a payment which I doubt. His daughter called me last night and this morning as she has been leaving messages for him all week and he has not called her back. We are very concerned that he is not ok. My question is this: do I call the place where I think he is staying--I am thinking if he is drinking, this will cause a problem and he will accuse me of bothering him. Or do I just let him be? The angry part of me says let him be and hopefully he will hit rock bottom and come to his senses. Also, I was thinking of sending him a text to let him know that I am concerned and that I miss him and love him. If he wants help, this may tell him that I am reaching out. I am really confused and do not know what to do. Any suggestions woul dbe appreciated.
An alcoholic will do what an alcoholic will do when they are active - drink. A codependent will do what a codependent will do when they are active - obsess.
I can totally relate to your post. I often found myself worrying about where he is, whether he's ok and whether what I did next might make a difference. From your post, and reading between the lines, you appear to be concerned about two things:
Is he hurt?
Does he realize I love him?
I also read from your post that although you have set boundaries, you are being respectful and caring. So I think he knows deep down that you love him. I found when I was worried about my AH safety, the only thing I could do was pray and ask HP to watch over him. This can be hard to do, but it was more effective than my obsessing.
Yes, I am mostly concerned that he is hurt. Then the anger kicks in and hopes he just hits rock bottom or the person he is staying with has enough and puts him out and maybe he will see the light. I have been doing lots of praying and now I am also concerned for his daughter-she is also worried sick. Talks last week were good but he was afraid that it would all go bad again. I told him I was going to Al Anon and that I need to concentrate on me and that his drinking is no longer my issue but his. I was very clear that I missed him and loved him but he was very hesitant to say that he was going to come home so I do not know what to think. Been trying to concentrate on me and doing better than last week but it is so hard. I refuse to let him drag me down-I have worked too hard to get where I am.
Alcoholics dissapear all the time often to the nearest bar and cant be bothered to return calls . there comes a time when u do nothing just let it be and let it play out the way its supposed to . Believe it or not God does have a plan . If I had a dime for everytime i heard I am a burden I would be rich , poor me irritates the hell out of me .
Thanks all. So, I should just let him be and turn him over to the HP? I hate the fact that he is at someone else's house. That is what bothers me more than anything. Is he sharing things with these people that he should be sharing with me? Or is it just a place to rest his head and not get nagged about his drinking becuase they are doing it with him (I am assuming). He isjust not the person that I fell in love with and it is killing me.
Read some Alanon material, take a bath, light some candles.
Your still obsessing. Go to as many Alanon meetings as you can, call a sponsor.
Just surrender to what is going on right now at this moment. You said it yourself, you are working on yourself. This will give you the time to do just that.
It's hard to detach with love. I found it very hard because I lived so much of my life through my AH. I had become unhealthily intwined with him. Our love was great and strong, but the disease of alcoholism led to us being enmeshed to the point we did not see ourselves as separate human beings. Yes, it's over to his HP.
I agree with the other posters. We enable so much with our worry, fears and concerns for the other person. All that does is feed the disease. Best way to help an A is to work your own best program and learn to detach with love and get busy living, loving and enjoying YOUr own life. We cannot save other people - we all have to feel-deal-heal for ourselves.
When u worry about someone else and you realize how powerless you are to save them - pray and turn them over to HP. Practise faith that HP will take care of them and get busy focusing on YOU and what changes you can make -right now/today- to allow your life to be happier and more peaceful.
When we work on us - and begin to accept other people's choices for their lives (instead of telling them how wrong their choices are) - by keeping our mouths shut, we begin to learn that it is a matter of being respectful and allowing them the dignity to sort out their own lives. We all have our own life/walk. We have to do it - for us and they have to do it - for themselves. If love cured addiction, it wouldnt exist. So - focus on YOU and love YOUrself with all you have. If you dont make you a priority - who will? I learned that no one does. I also realized that I was wasting my life and disregarding the gift that HP gave me - the gift of a life of my own, feeelings of my own.
The day I tried to love me for the first time - I was 36. The day I loved me, it filled some void that was there. I was suddenly filled with love from within and I no longer had the need to seek it out from others, bc I was loving and validting myself first. It came after setting and following through on many boundaries for myself -- after some difficult choices but those changes set in and began to change everything else in life from that point on. I had my own back for once. I was going to love me - not give it all away to others that were only using me to enalbe their behavior.
A's have their own excuses, I dont need to stand by giving my energy to the destruction of another. No, today I build myself up and encourage. What can you do to allow you to feel better? That is the magic question I ask myself each day. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Dare...Now would be a good time to go face to face with a sponsor. Face to face over coffee in a quiet corner table or kitchen and listen, listen, listen...((((hugs))))
I am really trying to concentrate on myself. I know I need to Let Go and Let God but I just wish I could. I hate to see him throwing his life away like this. Hopefully, the place he is staying will get old and he will hit rock bottom and realize he needs help.
I know feelings like yours so well. I put my life on hold waiting for him to be okay. It's still a daily struggle to stay on my own side of the path. My mind keeps wandering away to thinking in detail what he should do, what his wrong thinking is, how could he not have realized this and that ... and so on ... I try to remember the saying, "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else."
What I underfocus on is my own life. It's only so-so. I keep thinking that if "he" (the identify of "he" has changed over the years, but it's usually an addictive "he" and always an unavailable "he") -- if "he" only saw the light and cooperated, my life would be solved. It's embarrassing to say that, but there it is. It's like I have an illusion that he will solve my problems, just as he has an illusion that alcohol will solve his problems. In both cases, they're never going to get solved from the outside. So easy to say it, so hard to put it into practice.
I know exactly how you feel, and we are new to this, so its hard to not relapse and worry and obsess. I am still doing that with my ABF. I also have learned to remember to breathe and let him suffer his consequences....
So true Mattie. I guess I am botehred because we spoke last week and then all of a sudden, no comunication, AGAIN! It is getting a little old. I think he feels that no matter what he does, he can come back because he always has. And he knows I do not like the peopl where he is staying. I asked him last week if he was content there and he said no. I asked if he was comfortable and he hesitated and said as comfortable as he can be on a couch. He said they are very hospitable. which they are, I have met them. But they take him in every time he has done this in the past two months. And he only really got to know them the first time when he was there with his brother bacnk in July. He does work for them while he is there and I guess that makes him feel important when he is so down on himself. They do not know the extent of his problem and I am sure they do not nag him about the drinking. and, I do not know if he is doing anything else. I need to get the courage up to tell him to come and get his things out of my house but I guess I still have hope and I am afraid to take that final step. Now, his daughter has been calling him and leaving msgs all week and he has not responded to any of them. He will not talk to her when he is in the midst of whatever he is doing and I am sure he does not want to tell her where he is because he knows he is doing the wrong things and he has already let her down quite a bit. I am very close to her and she called me looking for him and did not know he had not been there for 3 weeks and I was not going to lie to her because she has always trusted me. She is his little girl and if he is not responding to her then he will definitely not respond to me. We both decided to let him be and hopefully he will eventually snap out of it. He does improvements on the side and is supposed to be doing the roof of where he is staying. Not sure when that will happen or if he has any other jobs lined up. His auto insurance is due to lapse on 8/25 which means his license will be suspended due to having an SR-22. His cell phone is going on 3 months not being paid unless he found a way to pay that as it is still on. Not to mention his other bills that are not being paid--NOT MY PROBLEM! I am not paying any of them so he needs to stay away this week or I am afraid I will cave and pay them like I did last month. I knowh e is not happy with himself but he does not realize that this is forcing him to go backwards and not get ahead. But I guess that is how it is with an alcoholic.
Thanks Maize. I am trying my hardest to let him suffer his consequences I just do not know if there will be any if these people continue to help him. I wish he would have to sleep in his vehicle for awhile but I do not see that happening.
Put the focus on Deb, the only person you have any control over. This disease makes us crazy. I've been there more times than I care to admit. Nothing changes when nothing changes. What you have been doing has not been working for you. Consider trying what has worked for others.
You received some wonderful ES&H from members with years in the program suggesting to you what has worked for them. When I came to the program my thinking was "Key West and Crooked".....I had all my focus on the alcoholic in my life. Taking care of myself first was not something I was interested in. I had no time for that. All my thought process and all my energy was on fixing, controlling and worrying about the alcoholic.
The first thing I heard when I entered the rooms of Al-Anon was "Always Take Care Of Yourself First". I listened to what had worked for others. After a couple of meeting I decided I would accept the program at face value, work the program to the best of my ability, read all the material I was given, attend two meeting each week and post or read on MIP every day. I really didn't have anything to lose. I had already lost my mind. Guess what? I following the suggestions of the program and "listened" to what had worked for the old timers who had years of ES&H under their belt. I applied those suggestion in my everyday life. Those ladies in my Al-Anon group and members of MIP took me under their wings and made me a part of the family. I got better, my life got better...not overnight but "One Day at a Time". Without even realizing it I was "Taking Care Of Myself First". That's what worked for me. I realized "I" had to change and over time using the tools the program offers I did change. I like myself better and it made me a better person in all my affairs.
Until we turn our alcoholic over to our HP 100% and then step out of his way allowing him to handle the alcoholic in our life without any interference from us.....nothing will change. I did that a little over two years ago. I have not "once" taken her back because she is where she needed to be all the time....in HP's hands...and when I think about it...what better place could she be?
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 20th of August 2010 05:30:30 PM
Do you have the book listed above, Getting them Sober? I think its a great resource for situations like this. I felt absolutely totally over responsible for the ex A most of the time. It was one chaos ridden thing after another. I was alway son edge. I was always obsessing, dreading and waiting for disaster.
I know you are in the right place being able to come here and talk. There are resources, tools and more than can really help. I hope you will get the help you need, the only person you have control over is you.
I guess being in limbo and not knowing if I should "move on" is what is hurting me. His things are still here and I am not sure where I stand. I have been doing more for me and reconnecting with old friends and meeting new ones. Being out and seeing couples is painful and I miss that. Then I think that he is probably drunk and at least I do not have to come home to that. That is peace in itself. Still dealing with some depression but trying to take it one day at a time and not having any expectations of what will happen next as far as he is concerned.
