The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Come home and she's been in the sole care of 3 year old daughter (although she does go to day nursery).
Parter is so obviously under the influence she's reeling.
Oh here we go again, another joyful evening I think. I just can't be bothered and just ignore her.
She tries to goad me.
I give in a little but keep my boundaries.
I did get goaded. Said I'd had enough. Why should I put up with this? coming home every night to see someone wasted.
Why should 3 year old daughter live with that. Why should I be here in 1 years time if she cannot be bothered to do the AA program. Going to a few meetings and then thinking it's going to magically happen ... not really how it works.
We get the 'I'm sorry' and then she's standing out in the rain in her nightdress. I just looked out the front door and closed it. Then she comes in after a few mins says I'm really mean (!).
Now I've just sounded off in the kitchen with her- fine if you want to be dead in 10 years time, without me, without daughter, without step-daughter (my 7 1/2 year old), without a job, a house...
I hear you and I have been there many times the past 26 years that I was married to the XAH. Only the disease of alcoholism can stretch us to the point of breaking. We become sick or sicker because of it. Were the ones that are walking around feeling the effects of this horrible addiction. They get the hangovers, but soon they are back to numbing themselves and we are left to feel the brunt of everything. This also cant be good for your children either.
I hope that you are able to attend as many face to face alanon meetings as you can. Its good that you are aware to try and not react to her, but sometimes we cant and its ok, we are only human.
Keep with the program so you may find the serenity and solutions for your life. Turn her over to her HP, she does have one, even though it may look like she doesnt.
Come back and post and let us share with you are experiences.
Wishing you strength and hope. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 19th of August 2010 04:30:22 PM
I do go to al-anon meetings, although I've not been for a while - had a hell of a lot of stresses recently.
... moved house
... car engine went on the blink - timing belt went and it cost £1200 to get the engine repaired
... to cap it all my ex-wife has made a load of false allegations which has resulted in childrens services (social service) and police being involved (of course, cases closed with no cause for concern) but has meant things have been difficult as me and ex-wife have a daughter who lives with me and partner via a shared residence order... except she's gone and mucked around with it all and it's now going back through the family court system
... oh and I'm just finishing an MSc on a career break ...
... so you could say things are a LITTLE bit stressed atm!
my partner is a high functioning A. She doesn't seem to get hangovers - whereas I get stinking hangovers. I don't really drink that much now, I used to quite like drinking - although not so much that it would interfere with life. I can take it or leave it you know?
Partner describes how she just gets the compulsion.
And I've found the empty 1/2 vodka bottles around the bedroom (she's a bedroom drinker - goes off to drink in the early evening). So dinner time is non-existent and horrendous. As soon as I can sense that she's been drinking I just shut down. It's horrible this existence. That's all it is - an existence, not a life. And I'm getting quite tired of it all quite frankly.
You really have your hands full right now. I'm glad you know alanon. When life gets crazy that's when I find I need it most. Now, even with life less crazy, I can't do without it.
One of the most important things that helped me in the really crazy times, when I was building resentment for my AH and the situation, was to focus on the idea of alcoholism as a disease.
I was becoming so nasty myself, instead of hating his addiction, I began to act like I hated him. That wasn't true for me in my heart. It took a while for me to stop myself from reacting, but over time I could say "His disease is really in control- this isn't who he is" and let it go. It's not to say that then everything is ok. Boundaries were still needed to protect myself and son from further impact of his disease on us, but our house did eventually become calmer.
I do understand that u feel like u are being pushed around. You say you, got "goaded" and that u hate how it is and it is merely existing. Are u really sick and tired of it? Or how about the question - how is your life working for you?
I hung around the chat room and working my program for two years. Two years and I was still clinging to - I can guide this ship attitude. I had to completely surrender everything I was doing, thinking bc all of it - had landed me here, feeling the way you do now. Desperate and I hated my life and myself.
If you set a boundary, u have to follow thru on the consequence you set or it doesnt do anything. If you say, I wont be spoken to that way - and then dont remove yourself (for example) then the A sees that you say one thing and then do another - just like they do. You have to stick to whatever it is - u set as a boundary. If u just go out and walk around with ur baby, that is great, go get some air and talk and enjoy ur time with ur child.
Kids want structure. They will emulate the healthier parent. It must be terrifying for her to see what the drink does to your family. Take a breather and get some air, watch some birds, go swing at a park, or tell her a story or go to the library. Anything to change what is going on now. The magic ? I would ask myself each day, was what can I do to allow me to feel better. Learning to set boundaries and detach from other people's reactions, feelings and issues - has been life altering.
The A feels like all we do is blame them - that is how we feel too. Neither one of you can do it for the other - we all have to live in our own lives/walk. They resent us for trying to help them, anyway and we resent them for not taking our stellar advice. All you can do is work your own best program. Yes life is hard and difficult to cope with, especially alone with this disease. You need support - but you have to do it for you. You can go to meetings online and any time u want to share or vent in chat - just like this board, its here. Talking live to people really helps.
If you dont like what is going on in your life, change something. If she needs to talk about her compuslion, she needs to talk to a recovering A, they are the only ones that can understand, support what she is going through. You have to give her the dignity to solve her own problems and you need to focus on finding solutions for you and your life and not hers. What we focus on grows - u want to make bigger problems or make bigger solutions. When I worked for a positive attitude, I noticed that life got more pleasant, easier and I was able to begin to enjoy my life again - something I hadnt done since I was a child.
I would suspect you have a lot of resentments building up and alanon is the appropriate place to let them out. Please keep coming and posting - we understand and are here for you. First things first - practise focusing on you and feeling your feelings. When I practised walking away and not feeding into the drama and having that outburst for them (so they could justify that they are ok and we are the crazy ones). It feels so good to keep your energy and put it to constructive use, for you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Jitsuka...just passing on a little bit of old wisdom an early sponsor gave me so that some day I could pass it on to you. It of course works and works wonders for me and I still practice it. "There are only two meetings you need to go to...the ones you like and the ones that you don't." I have hitched hiked, walked, taken a bus, bummed rides, prayed my car reached the meeting or would come out of the repair facility affordably fixed (how $39.00 for a blown head find ya?) and of course gotten to many more meetings without any negative concern at all. Our first three steps can be summed up in the short philosophy of "Trust God". That has worked for me and I can't and don't see that I've been any more special than any other member of the human race who has a Higher Power. The meetings are where the solutions are which can be added to the ones you are currently using which kinda, sorta are working but come with a ton of pain. For me I took the earliest suggestion of do 90 meetings in 90 days. I don't know about your area of the UK and how many are available to you but where I got into recovery in central valley California the problem of alcoholism was so great that a member could almost get to three meetings a day, every day.
Your serenity, peace of soul and mind, and the gate to happiness are in the meetings just take an open mind and the willingness to be taught.
I remember the night I finally could act on the lesson of detachment from my alcoholic wife without fear or angst or lack of confidence. I felt like I had an out of body experience and it was marvelous...for me. She handled it differently..Oh well.
Keep coming back, get to your meetings and turn this into something temporary.
Hi there - I hear your anger and your pain.... I am not judging (honest, I'm not), but you sooo remind me of where I was a few short years ago..... The item below is something I posted here a few years ago, as one of my "aha" moments in my recovery..... Whatever you do with respect to your AW - please dive back into your program of recovery for YOU - you are definitely worth it, and it will help de-stress you to a point where you can make rational decisions for you and your dependants....
Take care Tom
Blame - I was at a family conference at my ex-wife's treatment center, and was talking to one of the counselors there.... I had been attending Al-Anon for a few years, and I guess I was fairly full of myself, etc.... He asked if there was anything else bothering me, and I told him, truthfully, that "part of me almost wanted my wife to use again, so that I could walk away from the marriage, honorably, once and for all". Now, I would have sworn at the time that I was no longer 'playing the victim', but his response almost floored me. I was half expecting a bit of a "poor Tom, it must be really hard" kinda response, but the counselor instead said: "of course you do... that way you can continue to blame your wife for everything that goes wrong in your life, and not take personal accountability for anything!" Well, I....... he......... was 100% right...
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thank you for all the posting, it's helped venting on here.
I've not been to a F2F for a while - stresses of life, moving house, MSc work, ex-wife making these false allegations ... been pretty tough
I recognise a lot of what you lovely people say, thank you, thank you
We do have regular al-anon meets here in the UK, you can get to at least 2 a week, of course AA has LOADS and you can go to at least 2 a day if you want, especially in the big city conurbations like where we live.
