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Hi. I found this board this morning. I will be going to my first "real" alanon meeting tonight. I just can't take it anymore. The few friends who know about my situation sympathize, but have no idea what to say to me...I feel very alone when it comes to this. A little brief history:
DH & I have been married 9 years. He drinks (duh. why else am I here?). Every single night of his life. He drinks about 8-10 beers every night. He can't sleep if he doesn't. He gets super cranky if he doesn't. We could have 2 pennies in the bank (and we have been there), and he will still find a way to buy his beer. It has been this way since we got married - acutally since before that, but if I was aware of it, I ignored it or didn't realize that it was *every single day* - or I didn't want to realize it...I don't know. We didn't live together before we got married so...who knows.
Anyway, he thinks I'm nuts. He thinks I'm making a mountain of a molehill when I tell him that his drinking is a major detriment to our family. He thinks that I should be "thankful" (ha) that "at least he doesn't beat me" when he drinks. I want to throw up every time he says this to me. Honestly there have been times I almost wish he would, so I could have a valid excuse to leave. I know that's really messed up. He drinks, but doesn't act drunk. He just numbs himself. To what, I don't know. I think our life is pretty good. Our kids are awesome, our lifestyle is fine - we're not rich but we're not destitute...we do fine. I personally think that I am a pretty good wife - I try to make his life as good as I can...I don't know what he's trying to escape but he drinks to escape from something. He sometimes acts like a jerk and picks arguments with me, but usually he just drinks till he goes to bed, and I can see the numbness set in, and that's it.
He's not the kind of alcoholic that outsiders would think of as a "drunk." But he is definitely an addict. He just can't go without his alcohol. And I have never been able to put my finger on it, but that damn beer has driven such a wedge between us over the years. His brother is a big drinker too. They get together and joke about it - I know it's because it makes them feel better about something they both know is wrong. It makes them feel "normal" when they get together. Thank goodness his brother doesn't live here in town anymore.
I just can't take it anymore. Our kids are getting older - 5 and 7 next month. He made a promise to me when we had our first baby, that he would quit before she was old enough to know what's going on. I know he will never keep that promise, because she already knows. He doesn't even try to quit anymore. He refuses to get help of any kind. I think he has just given up.
He has said to me in the past (years ago), word for word: "it's my vice and I'm not giving it up." Those exact words. He refuses to see how much this wounds me - our marraige - my respect for him - EVERYTHING. When I get upset about his drinking and try to bring it up with him, he turns it back on me and makes me feel like I'm totally overreacting to what he insists is a small thing.
Of course I've considered leaving. But I've seen what divorce does to kids and I jsut can't put my own kids through that. I can't. I still want to believe that God can redeem this.
I follow God and I pray every. single. day. that He will free my husband from this bondage. Most of the time I just feel so hopeless. I am going to my first al anon meeting tonight at a local church - not my own - I just need to talk to others who might understand.
I hope I don't sound stupid to others whose husbands *do* beat them, act crazy, lose jobs, etc. I know mine is not the "typical alcoholic" or whatever, but nevertheless, his drinking is really damaging to the fabric of our marraige & family. It may not sound like a big deal to other people, but it's a really big deal to me. I hope someone here can understand.
Sorry, I said it would be brief - ha! With me it's seldom "brief." Sorry. But thanks for reading.
Welcome I'm glad you have decided to go to a meeting and I'm glad you found a place you can feel free to talk. I know when I came to Al-Anon it was great to be around those who understood like no-one else could.
I don't really think there is any such thing as typical alcoholic. For me that sterotyp of what I thought they should look like was just a part of my denial. He can't be one beause he does or doesn't do this. :)
I will tell you that they do suggest that you go for awhile before making any kinds of major decisions like rather or not you should get a divorce. I can also tell you what is right for one person isn't right for another. I know no help.
That's why I'm going to say just keep coming back and work the program it works. :)
I think your story sounds a lot like mine in some respects. My ex alcoholic husband drank every single night, pretty much. He was drinking when we were dating and it bothered me but I thought he would quit eventually. Except that when we got married, the only change was that it got worse. Eventually he started meeting the guys for a drink after work and just not coming home until the next day more and more often.
I think all alcoholics are fairly typical - fairly predictable, anyway. The predictable part? They are going to drink. They are going to drink even when drinking begins to have consequences. They are going to drink even when drinking begins to have BIG consequences. They can't stop drinking.
The big thing to realize here is that alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That's it, and that's all. They have the disease of alcoholism, and the disease causes them to blame whatever external thing they can think of for their drinking, or to deny, deny, and deny some more. Nothing you do causes him to drink, nothing you do can stop him from drinking or even slow his drinking down. In Alanon, we call these the 3 C's - you did not Cause his drinking, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking.
It is good that you are seeking help for yourself in your situation. You can have peace regardless of whether someone else still drinks. You can be healthy and whole. Very certainly, you will find people that understand exactly because they have been there.
Welcome again - hope to see lots of you, and would love to hear about your first meeitng experience.
Welcome ((((applecake)))) you are definitely in the right place. I am fairly new here too- 2 months- and I can only pray that you will find as much encouragement, hope, and love that I have. If you get a chance, go back and read some of my earlier posts. Our stories are very similar, but mine started 30+ years ago. Good for you for recognizing the problem now and working to make your life better. Please keep coming back, you'll find that there are so many here who know exactly what you are going through. You're not alone anymore! I'll leave the advice to wiser heads but, although it's already been said, please try to believe the 3 C's: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
You can only control YOU and you are so worth it!
Love from Denise
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The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I too am new to Alanon. I have been working on myself since the second week of July. I dove right in and got the Courage to Change book and the As we understood book both from Alanon. In my experience, I have learned that I cannot change what my Alcoholic boyfriend does. I can only change me. I am progressing at this, as concentrating on me is not my strong point. I always felt I should be the one in pain and everyone else should feel good, so I should let everyone else walk all over me. I allowed people to hurt me. I played the victim role in my last marriage where my ex. abused me. I have two children who lived through that awful marriage. Now I move on and get a boy friend who has alcoholism. I have learned that it is a disease. That they have to want sobriety in order to arrest their disease. I know that I didn't make him drink, I can't control his drinking and I can't cure it. I pray the serenity prayer ALOT. I read my Alanon literature daily. I am not sure whats changing, but I am working on it all the time. I hope this helps and I hope your meeting goes well! Take care of you!
With a few minor exceptions (brother in-law is an Alcoholic, but in recovery in AA), you've described my exAH to a "T".
He's what some would term a "functioning alcoholic". Meaning he upholds his job, maintains an "everything's great" persona to all his outside friends, and spends every single night drinking beer. His spending is out of control, though, and until I separated my finances from his and got my own bank account, he was spending everything we had - not just on beer, but on other compulsive purchases. He's currently in collections with his credit cards.
No, my AH never beat me, but he'd certainly get verbally abusive. I never really recognized the verbal abuse for what it was until I started coming to Al-Anon. He'd make snide remarks and refuse to compromise and would threaten our marriage any time we couldn't see eye-to-eye on an issue. It really tore me down over time.
He's not a binge drinker. He doesn't drink profusely then stumble around in a drunken stupor shouting obscenities. He'd just sit there on the couch and drink beer until he'd pass out. (He vehemently argued that he was NOT passing out. He was just falling asleep.) It sounds sort of funny when I reflect back on it, but sometimes he'd drink so much, then go to use the bathroom and he'd pass out right on the toilet.
He also firmly told me he will NOT give up his beer.
Long story short, you're not alone. The disease of alcoholism really likes to convince us we're isolated with our problems, but we're really not.
I'm glad you're going to break that isolation and get to an Al-Anon meeting. I'm glad you're here, too. It's a step in the right direction.
If there's any advice I'd shell out to you, it's get to at least six meetings in as short a time period as you can before you decide the program is for you. If you connect with it, then keep coming back, find a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life is going to change in wonderful ways.
Much love from one wife of a nightly beer-drinker to another.
My AH never beats me, so he tells me how I good I have it. I believed it for a while. I got so desperately depressed and sick I needed help. I went to an alanon meeting. What a great relief to know I am not alone or crazy.
He won't quit beer or pot. He doesn't see it as a problem.Whatever. I am learning so slowly t take care of me. He does what he is going to do, no matter what I do.
It isn't easy or pain free. It is getting better and I don't feel so depressed anymore. I feel so blessed to have found alanon. You are not alone.
I've been so teary all day. Thank you for all your posts. I'm so new to this whole 12-step "anon" thing, I never in a million years thought any of it would have anything to do with my life.
Sometimes I go for weeks, or even almost months, without getting really upset about DH's drinking. I mean I'm always vaguely upset about it, but I can go for a while just praying and hoping and hoping and praying...and then sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks - that I'm the Wife Of An Alcoholic and my children are Children of an Alcoholic - and he doesn't even care - and I just feel so hopeless I can't stand it.
My life is going to change in wonderful ways? Right now I can't even imagine it. I hope you're right, Aloha.
I honestly don't believe that alcoholics don't care. I believed that when I first got to the program wholeheartedly - and my belief that the alcoholics in my life (my exAH and my mother, at that point) didn't care and would rather drink than be a productive member of our family really made me angry. I just didn't understand what they were running from that was so bad. In my opinion, they both had it pretty easy.
In time, I came to believe that they were both sick. I believe that they understood that their behavior had an impact on others, and that they were ashamed and guilty of their behavior. I have heard alcoholics described as egomaniacs with inferiority complexes ... they want to make everyone think they have it under control and sure as heck aren't going to admit that they have a problem - and meanwhile, they really are aware deep down that they DO have one. I believe that unless and until they make the decision to get sober and then take action, most of them can't just put the drink down and step away. It is unfortunate, because I've known some people that were really wonderful, compassionate, beautiful people when they were sober that were pretty horrible when drunk. It's hard not to want to try to help the nice person you know is in there come out for good, and banish the drunk one forever. It's hard to accept that it is not my job to do that.
I would like to qualify my last paragraph, however. In the program I have gained compassion, where I only had anger before. The fact that I believe that alcoholism is a disease does NOT mean that I believe the alcoholic should have a free pass to treat me badly. In the program I learned how to set boundaries to protect myself.
The changes in though process are gradual, and the program takes some time and effort to grasp. Keep at it. If you work it, you will see miracles in your life. One of the biggest miracles I received was that the sadness and anger eventually disappeared - and nothing I'd ever done before in my whole life had been able to take those away.
I feel very depressed reading this. I recounts my life so far.
My partner is an A.
She's drunk now and I've just tore a strip off her because I've had enough.
She's all remorseful but I just don't care anymore.
I said don't expect me to be around in 1 years time. You've been drinking when in sole responsibility of our 3 year old daughter. Not happy about that one bit..
I've come home after working trying to finish off my MSc dissertation and it's just doing my head in.
I said go on, kill yourself, you're killing yourself, killing us. Why should I have to put up with this? I won't
Aloha Applecake....such a happy name checking into this family...Welcome to the family and you sound so qualified to be here and in your first ever Al-Anon meeting. I tear up when I read and listen to others getting better and healthier whether their alcoholic is still drinking or not. I realized this morning while reading "As We Understood" at the breakfast table with my wife that experiencing the hope I also found in Al-Anon thru the readings of others shares that the miracles I have witnessed in the program at times overwhelm me time and time again. I've come to understand that we deserve them thru the unconditional love of our Higher Power and that is why we get them.
When I married my alcoholic/addict wife she was already alcoholic and drug addicted so I never knew the person behind the veil of the addiction. When she was recuperating from emergencies caused by the using and drinking I got to see a really special person within and that is when I learned about who I was dealing with as time went on...The alcoholic/addict; the wife. I learned how and use to identify that person according to whether she was clean and dry and when she was using and drunk. My wife...the alcoholic. I got some sanity from that and my expectations became real.
I've had a lot of experiences during recovery as a member of Al-Anon and then AA and as a professional counselor with family and adolescents affected by the disease. Although there are differences present at a times what it is that relate to is the similarities of other people stories and we drop denial then and recover on the similarities.
I've heard others outside of the program or approaching it make that "over due" statement and I might have made it myself a time or two and then I was told in the program more often that I arrived right on time. I'm glad you are here and I am anxious that you receive the miracles I have received and witnessed while I've been here. That more newcomers arrive on a daily basis is so hopeful and exciting. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
You're in the right place. You are definitely not alone. Please keep coming back - this program works.
I will say this though - don't think that your husband doesn't care. I'm sure that he does - I know it doesn't seem that way based on his actions. But, he has a disease. He's just as powerless over alcohol as you are.
hello and welcome apple . until your husb says what he's doing is causing him a problem IT ISNT - its causing u a problem and Al-Anon will help . Lecturing dosent work , tears don't work , threats dont work , ultimaums don't work nothing works until he says enough [. Please find meetings for yourself u need support , for now keep it simple do the opposite to what u always do . in other words if your a scrapper and like to fight back - stop . If you feel like lecturing don't .. arguing with them only gives them ammo to blame u for the drinking , anything to make it your fault ..learn to walk away . say nothing Do the opposite and it has to work out different. good luck Louise
