The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This reading hit me like a ton of bricks. I LOVED SOMEONE THAT COULDN'T BE TRUSTED...it made me very sad but it forces me to look at the reality that is my life. My son is sick and I cannot believe most things that he tells me. I cannot trust him ever to do what he says he is going to do I think the emotional part of this disease is the worst part. and I know it must be for the one with the disease too. I remember a councelor many years ago telling my mother that she considered my father to be a HOPELESS A. Now I know that nobody is completely hopeless but she said that he was so riddled with guilt about what he had done to his family. Also, he never worked a program. Sometimes I think my son feels the same as my father. I know he has a lot of guilt about his children.
"Awareness is so much better for me than closing out all feelings, shutting people out and withdrawing from living.
That is where I feel I have been for some time now. Time for more acceptance of my reality.
What a great topic and share. It certainly made me think!!
The C2C did point out that although something happens repeatedly (A making promise and not keeping it) I somehow managed to" Forget That" and go right back to being shocked the next time the situation happens. I would then be upset, angry and demand honesty. Moments later I would begin to fall into that "I Trust Mode"
That was a very telling awareness for me , and in a light bulb moment I saw that this was how I learned to survive in an alcoholic home.
In my in most being I would know what had happened but I would deny the validity , pretend it was OK and move on . I think in my childish way I thought that this was forgiveness!!!I
Alanon taught me different It showed me how to see reality, accept the truth about the situation , not react in anger, and to respond in manner acceptable to my program.
Today forgiveness means that I know a situation happened, I have looked at my part and owned it. I have let go of judgement of you for your part and have learned the lesson of the moment and grown by changing my behavior.
I honestly do not understand the guilt and pain that drives an alcoholic but I am beginning to understand that which drives me
Disease and lies.....comfortable bedfellows eh? My son became a walking lie, even he didnt know whether he was talking truth or lies! He became cunning and the disease powerful. Your post is making me reflect that maybe I perpetuated a lot of the lies by my expectations of him. I was asking an insane person to react normally and he would make promises he knew he wouldnt/couldnt keep.....compounding his hatred of himself.
Letting go of expectations has helped me....I can still be his Mother and love him unconditionally but when the disease is active he is a hollow shell. Tough on the outside and empty inside.....
I always remind him that his disease (he) will never be judged by me, (god knows hes hard enough on himself), and not to use his guilt as a reason/excuse not to get into recovery. He has enough of AA in him to understand about amends and how to become spiritually and emotionally stronger....if he wants it.
Like what you say about awareness, thanks for sharing and helping me today.
I think the emotional part of this disease is the worst part. and I know it must be for the one with the disease too. I remember a councelor many years ago telling my mother that she considered my father to be a HOPELESS A. Now I know that nobody is completely hopeless but she said that he was so riddled with guilt about what he had done to his family. Also, he never worked a program. Sometimes I think my son feels the same as my father. I know he has a lot of guilt about his children.