The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling sort of "blaaaah" lately. I might attribute some of it to normal cyclical changes in hormone levels, but certainly just not feeling totally chipper and enthusiastic towards life in general.
When living with my AH there was always HIM. Something wasn't going right it was likely because of some sort of conflict I was having with the AH. And being honest, there really was a lot of conflict going on. No doubt about it. But it always gave me a "reason" for my not feeling happy. I could say I'm feeling down because we had an argument. I'm feeling down because I know I'm being lied to again. I'm feeling down because AH is up to some of his usual behaviors and I know it usually turns out ugly.
Fast-forward to our separation and imminent divorce. We're living separately now. That monkey is off my back. So why is it that I'm feeling all blaaaaaah again? Certainly AH isn't to blame. We're not living together, we don't talk much, and he certainly doesn't make any efforts to involve me in whatever decisions he's making for himself now.
A phone call with my sponsor this morning had me reflecting that I'm doing that whole "looking outside for gratification" thing again. Only now I'm not looking at wanting to fix a relationship.
I've caught myself doing a lot of unnecessary spending lately. Some fancy toiletries here (my excuse was I'm doing it as all a part of pampering myself since I hardly used to do things like that for me), a couple exercise videos there (excuse being I'm trying to take better care of myself), and the topper was a turquoise ring ordered from HSN. I was exclaiming to my sponsor... " I NEVER do that! I NEVER stop and buy something off of HSN or QVC. I usually flip right past those channels, but then I saw that ring and immediately bought it!"
Again, some of the purchases sound well enough on the surface - in essence doing nice things for myself, taking care of myself - but what bothers me is that I'm working two jobs right now with the purpose of getting myself out of debt. Getting out of debt also means being more conscious of my spending and learning how to make due with what I already have.
Did I NEED the toiletries? No. I have plenty to last me a good couple months at home already. I didn't need more.
Did I NEED the exercise videos? No. I have a huge library of them at home already and I can make due with what I have. On top of it, I can also get some "free" exercise, if I so choose, by simply taking a walk! (Which, in my neighborhood would be the equivalent of taking a heart-pounding hike, living on the side of a volcano.)
Did I NEED the turquoise ring? Definitely NOT.
So. I have a whole new set of behaviors I need to start becoming more conscious of and do other things to replace those behaviors. Seems shopping is on the menu right now for what my head is telling me is "soul food", but it's really not.
In the past, instead of feeling ready to pounce on my AH about some behavior of his, I would get to a meeting, or call my sponsor or another Al-Anon friend, or pick up some CAL.
Now it seems my "uh-oh!!" moments are going to be when I start thinking about buying something. So if I'm really considering buying that matching turquoise necklace, what it really sounds like is I'm feeling empty inside and need to reach out to a friend! Ultimately reach out to God - and I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty certain God doesn't come in the shape of a turquoise necklace.
What great insight you have!!! But don't forget to grieve. Don't forget to take time and money just for yourself. You don't have to justify your purchases. Sometimes it just feels good to do something unexpected for ourselves.
Now, that you are concerned about your spending habits then it is a good idea to examine them. But I know when I finally was divorced, I bought myself a beautiful ring...a comminmet ring to myself to remind me that I come first and I am important in my life. I didn't "need" it but it was a great symbol of my freedom and my self love. I also went "girly" and bought a new shower curtain and pretty towels...very girly and nothing I needed. But man oh man did it feel good everytime I walked into my bathroom. It gave me comfort.
These purchases didn't take away any pain, they didnb't heal me in any way shape or form and no matter who I talked to, no matter what step I was on, no matter what my sponsor suggested, I still had to grieve the loss of my marriage.
Theres this Buddhist concept, it goes "Earthly desires are enlightenment"just a great example.
Your doing great in recognizing that the material stuff and the stuff outside of us is not it. Wow, Im impressed. Of course we need stuff for ourselves, of course the rapture of new jewelry, new car , new love, all of that stuff wears off.
Its the stuff of the heart and the indestructable happiness that we build for ourselves inside, now theres a jewel.
I'm not sure if it happens to everyone or not but I understand very well. When I first moved into my own space I had to have (in the name of taking care of me) 6 months worth of paper products. Toilet paper, paper towels, tin foil, plastic wrap ... I don't think I ever used plastic wrap prior to this LOL along with a couple other random things. I came to the same place as you thinking this was so unusual for me and not helping the budgeting and staying out of debt that I curbed it. Then I saw these polka dotted bath mats and did not buy them. I remembered them though and kept thinking polka dotted bath mats are really not a NEED. Everything else suddenly became measured by whether I needed or liked it more than those polka dotted bath mats. And yes 6 months later I got those polka dotted bath mats and I have released the need for a stockpile of paper products too. Awareness of want I really wanted, staying to my budget, helped keep those treats as treats instead of becoming a habit. Keep taking care of you.
I, too, have reached for 'the purchase of things' to make me feel better. It is normal to want to feel beautiful. I do tend towards distractions to help avoid painful circumstances, but it never truly satisfies the deeper void. Like Freeagain, I did purchase jewelry as a commitment to be true to myself. Of course, the note in my wallet that reads, "I will be true to myself" cost less...
I think what I was really reflecting on is that, in ways not fully unlike the alcoholic, I was turning to substance to avoid feelings.
A realistic inventory of my material possessions tells me I have everything that I need. I'm quite well stocked. And these particular purchases weren't really made with a lot of fore-thought (I loved the polka-dot bath mat story). They were made when I was trying to just keep myself distracted, I was either lonely or bored or discontent in some way or form.
I do love the notion of making well-planned decisions to do things nice for myself... like saving for and planning a day at the spa, or putting some real thought into purchasing something special for myself that's going to hold some meaning. I actually did that a couple years ago for my birthday - I read in "A New Earth" a recounting of the story about King Solomon and the ring given him by a wise man with the words "This too, shall pass". I loved it so much, and it stuck in my head a good couple months until I decided to find a place that would do inscriptions on rings and I bought one for myself for my birthday and I wear it every day. (Although I wish I'd remember to utilize the ring more often like how the wise man instructed Solomon to use it!)
But compulsive purchases are a different story and there's honestly nothing truly fulfilling about them, because they truly do not fill that God-shaped hole.
When living with my AH there was always HIM. Something wasn't going right it was likely because of some sort of conflict I was having with the AH. And being honest, there really was a lot of conflict going on. No doubt about it. But it always gave me a "reason" for my not feeling happy. I could say I'm feeling down because we had an argument. I'm feeling down because I know I'm being lied to again. I'm feeling down because AH is up to some of his usual behaviors and I know it usually turns out ugly.
I like this insight a lot. When I was with my exaH (seperated now) life was one big ball of distraction. The focus was never on me, so as a person learning to be on my own now, sometimes it can be difficult to know who I really am, what I am really feeling and even what I really want. Before, what I wanted was always measured by what was opposite to what the aH was giving me. Like you said, I always had justification for my bad moods and even the consequences they brought me. Now it's all on me.
I can also relate that in that inability to recognize and deal with some of my feelings, I turn to other "distractions" top keep me from facing the work within. My distraction is over-eating.
About two months ago I bought an eliptical for my Livingroom. The plan was that since I love a particular reality tv show that comes on 3 times a week, there would be no reason that I can't exercise while watching it. That happened twice and I've only been left with a guilty feeling of not carrying out the plan.
Yesterday, for the first time in a very very long time I cried. I cried and cried. I was angry and sad both - this was not the life promised to me by aH. I cried and I felt those feelings. Later, during my reality tv show last night, I got on that Eliptical and sweat and burned!!! Then I stretched and did some core strenghthening exercises until the program was finished. Interesting that by acknowledging my feelings and admitting them earlier in the day, I found the motivation and determination take care of myself as planned!
For me, being real about those feelings is going to be a very important part of my new life ... physically, emotionally, spiritually and one day, romantically.
