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My husband has had over 20 years sobrierity due to alcohol. However, within the past few years he has become addicted to pain medication. He was prescribed the medication due to two failed back surgeries. The doctor basically gave him carte blanche with the quantity and frequency he would prescribe. I am not blamimng the Dr. but I do feel he should have monitored the situation more closely.
Due to alot frustration, lies, debt, unemployment etc, he informed me that his problem was out of control and he needed help. I advised him to get help. He has been in a rehab for the past 3 weeks and he sounds positive, hopeful and determined to work toward his recovery. I have spoken to his counselors (rehab is out of state) a few times and they are pleased with his progress and feel that he is making a concentrated effort. I am pleased about that.
Here is my dilemma that I don't know how to handle. A female friend of ours informed me that he was giving her his pills and she, in turn was giving them to someone else to sell. The reason that she and he conspired this scheme was for him to give me money toward bills, household etc. Although he did give me some money it was never the amount that she knew he had. He isn't working.
My question now is do I confront him about this and let him know that I know about it or do I chalk it up as part of the addiction.
I continually tell him how important honesty is to me and I gave him plenty of oppurtunity to tell me, but he didn't. I feel extremely betrayed. I don't know if I confront him about this or not while he is trying to change or will it impeed with his recovery.
My friend was forthcoming with the info. She claimed it was out of loyalty to our friendship. I know that what they did sounds crazy and it is. The truth is she has helped me out both financially and emotionally. She has been my friend over 30 years. He has also has relied on her for emotional support behind my back. That almost feels like cheating to me. I know that he hasn't cheated but still.
I don't know what to do. Any advice would be most appreciated.
So sorry to hear your AH relapsed with pain medications, but I'm glad to hear he's making an effort for recovery.
I try to speak only from my own experience. In a three-way tangle with another relationship, I really try to keep my relationships with other people exclusive. Meaning, what goes on between my friend and I really needs to only be between my friend and I. It shouldn't affect my other relationships. It really boils down to minding my own business.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly or not.
An example I could give is that my ex-AH has been accused of stealing money from his daughter after she moved out of the house. The daughter accuses him but only to her mother, her mother accuses him directly. He claims innocence. The thing is - the mom tried to get me tied up in the middle of their affairs. I told her clearly: "This is between you and your daughter and ex-AH, not me." I kept my opinion to myself, but I honestly felt it's not even the mom's business. But she's now got herself tied up in this huge debacle that's ultimately between my ex-AH and his daughter. Now the mom is feeling responsible for "fixing" everything (she's a great candidate for Al-Anon.) But even her choices are none of my business, so I've just let the whole thing spin around like crazy and observed from a safe distance (if I even choose to observe at all!)
I just sit back and watch all that drama and tell myself, "Thank God I recognized this was none of my business. I'm glad I choose not to get involved."
I guess what I'm really wondering is if I should tell my AH that I am aware of the situation. I find it extremely difficult to move forward if this deceit is not addressed but then, on the flip side I don't know if I should just let sleeping dogs lie and chalk it up to the addiction.
When I ask him directly "Is there anything that you would like to tell me" of course his response is "I've told you everything" that drives me crazy because I know better. I would think that if he was truly working on his recovery he would want to be forthcoming with the information. He KNOWS I would never condone it. Perhaps, he may have discussed it in group or with his counselors.
When I ask him directly "Is there anything that you would like to tell me" of course his response is "I've told you everything" that drives me crazy because I know better. I would think that if he was truly working on his recovery he would want to be forthcoming with the information. He KNOWS I would never condone it. Thanks again
Dear Allee,
I understand your concern and I do believe that Aloha has given a very insightful example of not relating to someone thru a third party.
If I am to understand this situation--- Your friend of 30 years informed you, while your husband was seeking recovery in the hospital, that She has been having someone sell his pills so as to get money for him.
First off what she has done is illegal!!!. Had she come to you before having this person sell the pills I would have believed that she was passing along this informaton as a friend!!!
Taking her word over your husbands and thinking that he has done this deed is your choice.
We are powerless over people. Expecting complete honesty from someone in early recovery is having unrealistic expectations. He has spent a great deal of time in denial and pretend. Finding the truth for him is a process.
I might add that I love the defination of DENIAL: Don't Even No IAm Lying
My denial was so strong that I have been just as guilty and I do not use a substance.
Please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 18th of August 2010 06:58:46 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 18th of August 2010 07:01:54 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 18th of August 2010 07:30:20 PM
You have been given good sound advice and experience from everyone here.
If your friend really wanted to respect your friendship, she should have told you at the time, not after the fact. Sounds like she wanted to clear her conscience for some reason. I would question her motives.
When it came to my XAH's addiction and the stuff that went along with it. I never looked for trouble and if by chance it was revealed to me, then it was the right time for me to know and it was dealt with at the time. We cant change what has already happened.
I have this saying that helps me. Its become my mantra "Stay in your own lane". What we can do is work on ourselves and work the program, connect to our HP and find a our serenity. Wishing you the best. Luv, Bettina
What would be your motive in confronting him about this? What would be the outcome you would expect? What do you wish him to say/do once you put this information out there?
Me? I did confront my ex ah with knowledge of his lies. And he denied and he justified and he blamed....he did NOT take responsibility or apologize in any meaningful way. Ever. And all that did for me was lead me to be more disappointed and disillusioned with him and contributed to the divorce.
Ultimately it was a good thing that I did/said what I did/said because it helped me step out of the denial that I had been living in.
Lying seems to go with the territory of addiction. And he may be clean now, but breaking free of the whole addictive mindset isn't like flipping a switch. Even if he never consumes another addictive substance, living a new life is going to take a lot of practice.
At the same time, there's that thing about "You're only as sick as your secrets." Knowing about a big deception like that would be eating away at me. And just because he's trying to keep it unsaid doesn't mean that you need to play along.
For my part, I played that game of waiting for him to come clean about things I knew he'd done, and he never did. I think he thought, "The less she knows, the less trouble I'll be in." And I was so blazing mad about the things I did know about, he didn't want any more of that anger. (I still feel I was right to be mad. But what I did with that anger wasn't very helpful to me.) Anyway, what I mean is that lying in wait with the information, and "testing" to see if he'll confess, never got me anywhere. Just more resentful.
Here's what I think I would do, with the proviso that what would be right for you might be entirely different. I'd find some way by myself to detach from the addiction and the deceitful behavior. That might take some time. But something like thinking, "Right, deceit and lies go with the territory of addiction. I knew it was bad. This particular behavior is news to me, but I knew the whole situation was bad already. This is exactly the kind of madness I have to detach from, for my own serenity." Then I'd let him know, without expectations, that I knew. I'd rehearse the conversation with myself ahead of time so that no matter what he said, I wouldn't get drawn into a fight or a big accusing thing. No matter how defensive he was, no matter how much he might try to imply it was my fault or my problem or my delusion or whatever. Because when they're cornered, they fall into their most unhealthy behavior, they get so panicked.
I'd do this because the secrecy of knowing and pretending I didn't know would drive me crazy.
Maybe when he gets to his amends step, he'll feel some amends are in order. But you need not to wait for that or anything to get serenity in your own life.
Disregard anything that doesn't fit! It's hard. Keep taking care of yourself.
