6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Just want some esh!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you, it is a tough situation. I dont have kids but I do know that as long as your H isnt on board and able to follow through with a boundary - it means nothing. As long as ur H is enalbing ur son, he is still being enabled. I know it is hard to understand at first, that our fear and worry can actually be feeding the disease, but its true.

The boundaries that you set are for YOU, not for you son or your H. It has to be something that you can control and you can only control and change YOUr own behavior, perception, attitude, feelings ~ you cannot change or control them. If you state a boundary and then do not follow through, then the A knows that you are just posturing, lying and will cave if they ask the two thousand and thrity first time. Bc u always wore down in the past and they are counting on you giving in like in the past.

Start small with boundaries. Make sure you can follow through. Personally I would be trying to lovingly detach from my H and the A -bc- the more you focus on what isnt working, the more it distracts you from being able to actually help you and the situation right now. Focusing on others feeds the disease and takes us away from us & HP - period.

What can you do to allow you to feel better? Then next time you set a boundary and it gets "tripped" - u can walk away or go to another room or do something else to follow out the consequence.

So, focus on you and what you can do with the consequences you set. Below is the boundary guidlelines I have used.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents.

I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. If you dont stand up for YOU, who will? If not now, when? You can change right now. Life is consecutive moments of right now.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Thankyou Kitty I understand that I have to create my own boundaries and stick to them whatever anyone else does or say's, that was the part I was not understanding, I guess I am still trying to get into everyone elses head to try and undertsnad it from all angles and that is not in my control, I can see that I have to allow my son to decide which of his parents he wants to listen to and I have to accept that his decision is his alone. thankyou.

Katy

x

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Katy Im glad you posted this because I can empathise. I still have clashes, if you can call them that, with my husband re our Ason. I have been in Al-anon 18 months now and am slowly getting better while my husband for the most part remains sick. I have chosen recovery and I have boundaries in place regarding both husb & son. My husband is still prone to fixing/enabling but not as much as he did.

I know he sees that my life is more manageable and if something crops up re our son he does ask how do we Al-anon this and we will discuss if something he wants to do for our son is helping or enabling so he is changing slightly by osmosis (attraction not promotion eh wink ) and his fear is lessening.

I am powerless over other people places and things.

In support

((((Ness)))))

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well this post rang my bell I had the same problem yrs ago with out youngest son , I would set boundaries for son after discussing them with my husb and time and time again he would do as u just described , my sponsor told me I cannot do anything about my husb just work my own program with my relationship with my son .. eventually our son really overstepped and my husb came to the realization that two heads do work better than one if your united in boundaries and stick to them things will settle down . until then take care of you . Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Katy...one of the dynamics in the dysfunction envolving children and parents is
called "splitting"...the child or the user will use one parent against the other in a
manipulation that is baffling to watch...like an orchestra director.   Build on the loyalty
and companionship you already have with your spouse and have a loyalty agreement
...use the steps and traditions of the program because we know those work. If your
husband is fixated on controling the situation from where ever he is coming from than
you must refuse to be split...Let go...Let God. When you react you give away control
and what I do to not react is to seek my HP within the 3 to 4 seconds between what
triggers a situation and how I respond to it. That is important to me because left to
my own devices I can turn a match strike into a bomb blast.

What is most important... being right or being happy? Let your husband have that
question to consider himself and let him consider it himself. Let him have his own
program while you work this one.

Your son he's got more addiction calling him out the door than you've got power to
have him behave. Behave isn't even in his dictionary. When my 19 year old drinking
using son was living with me and not fulfilling the agreement we had to be together,
I divorced him and left him to his own choices and consequences. I got the horror
calls and "surprise" notices and would ask him..."what does that have to do with me?"
My wife and I still stick on our programs first, respond to them next and then let
them have their consequences. We didn't get a list of people we had to manage
when we were born or since. Would you rather be right or would you rather be
happy?

((((hugs)))) smile

mon123 · Veteran Member

You don't say how old your son is (I don't think)
I was told something that really helped me with my boys.

"There is no modern way of allowing boys to become men. Theres no initiation of any kind. Many don't understand the process. When a young man turns to his mother he is once again a boy.... Its a backwards step. There comes a point when a man has to gain guidence, rightly or wrongly from other men. They begin to turn to their father and their mates, or other men in general and begin to make their own choices.
To turn to their mother is de masculating and therefore confusing. Once fully secure as men its then ok for them to relate again with their Mum's"

I've quoted that but its not word for word. I'm not sure I WANT to really believe it, but I have taken it on board and allowed the 'learning' relationship to develop between my sons and their Dad. I'm surprised how its developed because their Dad was very difficult towards them growing up. They were both very angry towards him.

I stopped giving my opinion (unless asked and then away from the boys) and just allowed the men in my house to clash.
The result is that the boys actively worked to move out and become independant.
Now they all have their own space they are all happy again and we have frequent visits from them. (aged 24 and 26 now)

This growing up stuff is a painful process. I wanted to keep nurturing them. I want to know who stole my babies and gave me these extra men instead!!!!

My eldest has asked us over on Saturday so that he can cook for us....
And he introduced the new girlfirend to me, on my own (much to the disappointment of his Dad and sister!!!)

My husband has been sober for 4 years. I'm not sure this would have been possible with him while he was still active. They had no respect for him then. Their relationship really has grown in many ways but they still had other male influences around.

I think as far as Alanon is concerned this is about live and let live....progress not perfection....let go and let God.... and definately One day at a time.

I hope that helped a little?
Mon

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Katy

Wow I totally get what you are saying in your post.
My husband and I also put up boundaries etc and of course our son walked all over them. But I have to admit that I was the one that couldn't follow thru with some of them that seemed extreme to me at the time.
Of course my son saw immediatly how to work mom against dad he's a bright kid and it really didn't take genuis to see I wasn't ready emotionally to follow thru with some of the boundaires.
My husband and I are not A's our son wasn't raised in that sort of enviornment but the disease runs rampant in both our families so addiction was not new to us. But having a child thats an addict was inconcivable to me...I was just sure if I loved him more, did more etc he would see the errors of his ways. Of course that didn't happen. Normally my husband and I get along wonderfully, the only thing that has come between us is how to treat our sons addiction.
We talked about it at lenght and my husband just ended the conversation with "when you are ready to follow thru let me know until then I will detach myself from all the drama" and he did exactly that. He refused to get drawn in to the arguments and all the rest of the chaos that goes along with addiction.
It took me many many months of Alanon before I was ready to make that commitment to my husband that I was ready and willing to follow thru with our boundaries.
We sat our son down ( in a sober moment) told him we were now on the same page, that his addiction wasn't going to ruin a perfectly good marriage. Of course son immediatly tested our commitment to the boundaries and as he was on probation I made the call to his probation officer. I told the PO he could come get our son or we would be taking him to a shelter, either way this was no longer "home". Our son was shocked couldn't believe it and knowing I was the "weak link" begged, made all kinds of promises etc as I packed his clothes.
In the end his PO came and got him and took him to jail from there is was ordered to the jail rehab unit where he has been since Nov and won't be getting out until this Nov. We need to remind him all the time still that "home" is not an option anymore but we have taken steps to get him into a sober living home if he wishes, if he doesn't wish to go there he is on his own. Believe me when I tell you the decision breaks my heart everyday.
But I guess what I am really trying to say is, I don't know if your husband is in alanon or not but he may need time to follow thru..he may need to gain some more strenght I don't know. But I do know how he feels as I was him
Blessings

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES