The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do not want to have to do this. I do not want to have to get a restraining order, I do not want to have to deal with the state and get no contact a part of a parole agreement, I do not want to have to deal with my xah's 'ism's anymore. I chose divorce, I chose no further contact ... and if I respect that I can't make him want what I wanted in life then I think I should get the same respect of not having to be what he wants in life. I am not his friend, I have no friend that would be my friend after acting in the same manner as he has to me. And I am not going to pretend to be that perfect of a person.
If I saw one just one spark of something real about him I could maybe be more compassionate. The last letter I opened was full of crud, maybe this treatment place can explain why ... my brain screams because you are an addict you have admitted it before and now all of a sudden you forgot? Maybe this place will show me something I can take with me ... my brain screams yeah a program you work everyday flipping day just like I do there is no magic cure we're all keeping from you and you finally made it to the only place that has it. I freely admit and own up to almost 15 years of putting myself in this situation and I even forgive myself for the most part. I freely admit that I allowed him to cross my boundaries with little to no consequences. But for the last 5 years every crossed boundary has had a consequence and I have followed thru on each one. I request no contact as part of that and I get jail style stalking. There were 9 yes 9 messages from his correctional institute on my common to all business phone this morning at work and two more attempots to call while I was there. My personal phone last week was the target, along with a few letters i threw away. I am so tired of this. And now because he will lie his way thru this treatment just like the dozen or so before since he was a teenager he gets early release, won't matter if it is real only that he attended each session. So Febuary 10, 2011 (our x anniversary isn't that just icing on the cake) instead of October 2012 and I get to see how long before he shows up at my door with or without a paper saying he shouldn't. And I live in a truth in sentencing state. I even talked to my community patrol and beat police officer who said honestly he won't be able to do much of anything about it unless I am harmed physically .... isn't that a lovely thought? Is it against ALAnon principles for me to pray that he relapses as soon as possible and finds more fun things to do in life than bother me?
Sorry I am grouchy and scared, and not much help to anybody until I pull myself out of it. Thanks for letting me vent. Jen
Whoa Jen!! trudging around at the bottom of the barrel. Been there and done that and found out as I trudging and reaching out for help, input, feedback, support and unconditional love; that "it" gets better. "It" has gotten better for me as I took on the character of not moving off of my program. My program included using outside "help" and "services" to get my needs met. Yeah sometimes it shortened my rest periods in between and yeah also I found out how to let anger fuel my intentions to distance myself from it all. Doing it only one minute, hour, day at a time kept the bites small so that I didn't have to fear choking on it all. For me what works is disecting my fear bases thinking and feeling and finding out what is real evidence and what is False Evidence Appearing Real. Once I get that false stuff out I have much less to worry about.
In support. ((((hugs))))
Remember it cannot hurt you without your permission and participation.
sorry your feeling scared. The frustrating thing about all this is that a piece of paper like a restraining order is just that a piece of paper. It cant stop him calling you or trying to contact you. There is also the delete button and chosing to not react.
All we can do is the program and try to detach as much as possible, when they dont get the reaction they want, they most likely will stop. You also say he is in a correctional institute, so phone is the only way he can try to communicate. So you have some kind of control over that, just not responding. We also must try to concentrate on our recovery and leave his to him. Although we want our life to go the way we want it , when we want it, I have learned that its just not that easy, especially when there are people and personalities and even ones that our addicts, especially the addicts, they never act accordingly.
Continue your program, attend your meetings, work your program and trust your HP and leave him to his.
Fear comes in many forms. Real, unreal, and projected. Which ever is the case your peace of mind and serenity come first. Your program tells you to always take care of yourself first. That would be my suggestion what ever that might entail. HP can lead you in the right direction.
(((Jennifer))) Living with addiction really stinks doesn't it? It can pretty much drain us of everything (emotionally and financially). But this can only happen, it you let it. Keep working the program. There is hope for all of us here. You can vent any time you want, we'll always be here for you. Peace to you Jennifer.
well all i can say is the good news is once u come out the other side (and u will) u will see this kind of behaviour and know what it is a mile away and be a great support for others going through it...if i was closer i would give u a hug and tell u youre doing great ..dont give up hun..the gifts of recovery are indescribable and beautiful ..i might not catch it instantly when an alcoholic/addict is conning me but very quickly my brain screams Addiction Talking!!! and i turn them off like i do annoying commercials on t.v. hehe ..this took a lot of painful work and support from my friends in recovery..i couldnt do it without them..god bless u ...
Listen, I fullyunderstand your "I don't wanna" attitude. I didn't wanna either. I wanted to control. I wanted to live in denile. I wanted it to be the way that I wanted it to be. I wanted to be treated the way that I treated others. With respect. I didn't get that.
So, although I didn't WANT to I HAD to do whatever I could to keep myself sane and safe. That meant getting the RO and following thru every single time he violated it. Every SINGLE time. Even if it was "just" a phone call or "just" a text message or "just" a letter. Beyond that I kept every single thing he sent as evidence. I did NOT listen to the beat cop who told me it was all pointless (thank God) because it isn't. The beat cop I was talking to had a history of domestic abuse himself....
I took MY life, MY safety and MY serenity into MY hands and I did what I had to to keep myself safe. That is what this program taught me to do. That is what my HP wants me to do. It sucks that I had to do it, but I did it and I felt so impowered. Now, when that active A comes sniffing around, I call the police, they do their job. I don't have to engage in any drama nor do I have to put myself in harms way.
You can do this Jennifer. I knw you don't want to, but you can do it and it will make a difference. That is what the laws are there for. Do NOT listen to the guys in charge. They seriously don't know what they are talking about half the time and the other half the time they are just lazy and resentful. Please PLEASE take care of yourself.
If he is in prison, he has a parole officer and or counselor. Sometimes we have to be proactive in protection ourselves.
So I invite you to get a copy of the R. order, send it to the counseor, probation officer, the warden of the prison, the police who ever.
As a condition of his release, request he be ORDERED NO CONTACT.
As a condition of his behaviour in prison, if he breaks that R order he gets more time.
We have to be proactive in saying hey wait a minute he is breaking the law contacting me.
When they get out, they cannot even get a traffic ticket Jen or they get thrown back in asap.
Do you send the letters back unopened? Is it on the R order he cannot contact you thru the mail? DO that, make sure it says NO contact by phone, mail, email text, sky writing. NO contact.
If you step up and start making waves he will knock it off.
The judge, his counselor etc probably have no idea he is writing to you. I would make copies of his letters girl and mail them to all those people I just wrote about.
The disease is still controlling you. As far as them lieing thru their court ordered stuff, that is how it is. Most those places just plain do not care.
I have known many who drove to their DUI diversion classes, with no license or insurance! The people who ran the programs know it too. Just don't ruffle feathers as it is more paperwork for them.
When we accept their mail, phone calls etc, we are telling them, ya it is ok to contact me.
Let me know how it goes. Look at that cool pic!
you have too much life to live,get rid of this drama once and for all.
Sending you ((((((( hugs))))))). Do whatever you have to for your safety and serenity. My daughter keeps a copy of everything her Ahusb (soon to be x) sends or txts or whatever.........and gives it to her lawyers. He has no idea that his vitriol is on record nor of the eventual consequences.
Those messages really got to me. I keep remembering both marriage counselors telling me that addiction was not my xah's biggest issue. At the time my only thought was how could anything be bigger than addiction? And now it scares me, even during his use of substances I saw a pattern of just using not being enough. In order to truly get his fix it had to involve stealing, lying, pushing someone's limits or getting away with something. This is what scares me. I know what the next right step is and I am terrified that it just makes a bigger challenge for him to enjoy. I am working on not projecting and also not wearing blinders.
It brought back anger, and I have to forgive myself. I have been able to let go of most things that affected me. I am having a rough time with things I feel I brought upon others by association like stealing my keys and robbing my place of employment, stealing from my parents, stealing the dog's pain medication and him suffering after surgery. Had I set my boundaries sooner I could have avoided the guilt and anger I feel. Those messages at work made me feel violated in many different ways, and to be honest mortified that the same people who have been so kind to me thru all of it have to hear it on the phone. I am trying to find the root of it so I can be strong and do what I have to do. Thank you for the encourage, caring and kick in the rear I need
