The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been two months and a few days since the XAH almost met his maker.
The Doctors worked so hard at saving his life , it took two days to stabilize him. A ruptured esophagus and multiple ulcers. Only 10 % survive a ruptured esophagus. Survive he did. After the surgery, I drove him home from the hospital. He seemed happy to be alive. I asked him , do you want to live.? He said yes.
Here he is only two months past that horrible day, yet he drinks again and still doesnt know why. If he doesnt know why then I certainly dont know why.
Today I am sad and feeling bad for a life that cant seem to sustain itself. I truly feel this disease takes over every part of their being. More must be done in the research of such a disease. There are medications and progress in other areas of medicine, but not for alcoholism and addiction. It has a moral stigma attached to it. Although separated from the man, I have watched from a distance this wretched poisoning of a good man. Although his actions have been appalling while under the influence. I do not hold him to his behavior while his mind was altered.
This post is not to discourage but to help members recognize the seriousness of such a fatal disease and to try not to judge the alcoholic.
We certainly have to find are way and live our lives in the best way we can while coping with something that is so beyond us.
This alcoholic has taught me to be courageous and has led me to a journey of expansion I never would have sought. Beyond mere love, beyond my need.
I hope for him still from where I am.....
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 17th of August 2010 12:31:03 PM
I hear you and share your pain. I too watched as my beautiful son, who had been in recovery for over 12 years, relapse and return to drinking.
There were many hospitalizations for detox and rehab and still he returned to taking that first drink!!
This is a dreadful disease that ceertainly has brought me to my knees. It has also taught me the true meaning of compassion, acceptance, powerlessness and brought me closer to my HP.
Aloha Bettina...when I use to get those thoughts and feelings I use to also get the picture of myself crawling up into the open palms of my HP and laying down and just letting go absolutely.
Your alcoholic has a "life threatening" disease. It is fatal if not arrested by total abstinence and you are witnessing that fatal act right now. He drinks still to reinforce the definition of Cunning, Powerful and Baffling. I have no more "why" questions to ask about this disease. I accept on a subconscious level, the deepest, that it is what I've been taught and told and that in order for me to survive it I have to turn it over without reservation and fear.
If your alcoholic seems to be open to stopping even though he cannot do it on his own; call the AA hotline and ask if there are a few fellows available to come over and talk with him. If that can be done...let them in the house, direct them to your alcoholic and then step away and turn him over. The last time a member of this Al-Anon Family Group did the same thing the consequence was that her alcoholic got worse for a short period of time, went to rehab, came back and relapsed, went to rehab again (he was still willing) and now has months of ever increasing worked for sobriety co-joined by his daughter who found it a very similar way. They both attend meetings at my own home group (I am a double) and offer much hope to the alcoholic who is still suffering. His spouse is a member of my Al-Anon Home Group, the Wednesday Night Turning Point Al-Anon Family Group which is a miraculous tool just like MIP. I am glad you are here. Use that suggestion if you choose; if not trust God anyway.
Dear Bettina. Your kind thoughts and words have helped me so much when I have needed them, I wish I could find the words to comfort you. Your story is my story. My AH is also drinking again after coming very close to death. The hospital patched him up and sent him out and now the sorry cycle starts again.
Even though he has destroyed the geat love I once had for him and stretched my compassion beyond endurance; here I still am, still caring what happens to him.
You are right about the medical profession doing very little research into this horrible disease. It's just not "sexy" enough. It is seen as a self-inflicted condition of which sufferers could be cured if they only put their minds to it. You and I and the other posters on this board know that is simply untrue.
So glad you can come here, among people who know what you are going through and who care about you. You are so strong you are an example to us all.
Yes Tatty, you and I have very much in common, he also was the great love of my life and I still care what happens to him on a human level. He is a different man today due to this disease.
Jerry, Thank you so much for your suggestions, the only reason I was involved taking him home from the hospital, as I had to sign for him, he has no family whatsoever in this country and no friends. Nobody, he has friends in AA, but would never think of it. He is from another culture and has his own beliefs. He is in AA and he has amazing men from AA come to his apartment all the time, as he does not always attend, so they bring the meeting there. This man is a loner and a spectator in this life. He needs to reach out, I leave it up to him and his HP. I really understand the fatality of this disease, this is not the first time he has come close to death.
Thank you all for your support . I will always believe there is hope, for everyone.
My exha was the great love in my life, too. Sometimes, I feel crazy simply because I do care about my exha. I do not know if his health is holding up, but watching his thought process deteriorate as the disease progresses in him stirs the most heart-wrenching sadness.
Thats the part we have to cultivate. That boundary line, it must be strong in order for us to hold our dignity and what we must do for our protection, that must come first at all times.
Its ok to still love and care about the alcoholic, but we must allow them to care for themselves. The XAH was a large part and time in my life, 26 years is a long time as Im sure it was for you. We must live our lives true to ourselves, I dont believe there is a one size fits all for the way we handle the addict in our life. I only know that if the A should pass away I dont want to look back in regret for any words or actions that I wouldnt be proud of.
I work for my life to be comfortable and balanced. I like Alanon because it gives me that freedom. For there is no freedom without disipline for myself. These are only my humble opinions. Yes, the A can bring about heart wrenching sadness, but we must not live there for long Bud. Wishing you strength and courage and happiness. Luv, Bettina
I so identify. My A nearly died last November, he had collapsed and stopped breathing, in crisis I take my hat of to the Doctors - they saved his life. After the event of course no support or help, here in the UK Mental Health Services have few if any ways of giving help for this illness.
I took him back, and by working my programme tried hard to detach and give what support I could without breaking my boundaries. Three weeks ago the drinking and chaos started again, I had to have him removed by the Police last Thursday for his own safety, but of course again once sobered up - the answer from the Psychiatrist who assessed him, "he is an alcoholic, have you heard of AA". I wanted to scream, but by now have recognised the social stigma of this illness and that the medical services can/ will do nothing, and I am told I must either care from him or let him go on the streets.
We have tried to talk, I can see his pain, I can see all the problems behind the disease, the childhood neglect etc, maladaptive coping strategies. He is also totally isolated - his family rejected him many years ago and he has no friends, even from his time in AA.
He looks to me for solutions, but I cannot supply them, if I thought throwing money at the problem would help (and if I had it) he could spend as much time in rehab as he likes, but previously it just does not work. I just have to keep repeating I love you but I cannot do anything more to help.
Last night he left the house, taking nothing with him. This morning I do not know if he is sleeping rough or if he has attempted suicide again. It is so painful, but I know that I cannot do anymore because I am not his HP.
AA talks about rock bottom, perhaps I am realising that some maybe never get there.
Flinn - know exactly what you mean as I, too, am in the UK. The NHS just doesn't "do" alcoholism.
Also - about this rock bottom that As are supposed to reach before they will change - some never do. My A certainly hasn't despite numerous hospital admissions and losing many of his friends, his former way of life, etc, etc. I don't think he ever will.
So pleased you found this board. I have found the support and friendship here to be something of a life-saver. I hope you do, too.
