The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
since coming here, about 2 weeks ago, I have experienced so much. I am so much less HOPELESS about things. But, I am STUCK. I don't feel ANYTHING. I don't feel sad...or happy. Joy...or pain. Nothing. Nada.
I feel passionless about my life.
After seeing my sister and her alcoholism in my face for first time in a decade, all sorts of memories and understandings came flooding back. I figure...a girl can only handle what a girl can handle! So...I am on stand by.
But, I am so terrified of falling back into a horrible depression. I was incapacited atou about 7 weeks this winter...I seriously cannot go back to the again please.!!
I began "working" my first step today. In AA I learned from a sponsor to write all the things I believe I am powerless over, and all the things (snicker) I have POWER over.
The powerless column was full, and i could have gone on and on. I feel like such a "victim"...Ihate that. But it's the way it was. Then the POWER column had like 4 things, and I couldn't figure out what I have power over and not.
What a trip this whole thing is.
In the past I have always done work on myself because I was terrified of not being a good mother, wife, friend...and so if I am ok, then I can do what I am supposed to do...make everything ok , and then...why would peole want me aroud if I am useless for everyone? I don't know if this was ever a conscious thought. I am not an idiot, so if it were conscious, I am pretty sure I would have done somehing about that. Hmmm...thinking out loud.
So, I attached this step one work to the serenity prayer... God grant me the serenity to accept the things WE CANNOT CHANGE -admitted we were powerless over... Aha...cannot change. - cannot change past
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS WE CAN (things we have power over) and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
I believe this wisdom will come more an dmore as I continue to try and work ths thing to the best of my ability. I have to believe that...why else would I do this lol. I WILL NOT be a victim of a problem I am aware of. I don't wnat to be...not anymore. I just don't want to be sad all the time. It doesn;t make any sense.
Thanks for listening. As always, I seek your experience! My way got me sick....now I want another way.
Good afternoon rainbojo66, when my life becomes unmanagible as is does from time to time, I tend to isolate, I know this doesn't serve me well as it gives me time to dwell on my my problems and blow them out of all proportion, I know when I am in this downward spiral now though and I also know what pulls me out the other side, I know now I have choices,and today did not start well I have been overworked lately and my head is so full of worry about my son, a friend called around out of the blue and I said I will come for a a ride with you before work I have a couple of hours to spare, we took lunch together and then stopped by at a small pets corner where they had month old piglets, there were eight, little black ones and specaldy ones, and they suckled my fingers, they chased and jumped and frolicked, my mood is lifted and my heart lighter, the things I am worried about are still ongoing but for a while I forgot, and I am not just my problems, I can still find happiness if I so choose.
ahhh Katy...yup Animals always work for me too...but whhen I am deep in isolation...nothing works for me.
I thinkk i'm finding the difference between isolating because I am depressed, and like now, COCOONING to try and integrate all of this new thinking and understanding in my life.
I don't feel like being around people...that's life. But I still feel bad.
When you say riding...did you mean horse? I have a horse farm...when I ride...I ALWAYS feel better. It's just a matter of getting my arse tacked and going forward.
:)
hmmm...good analogy for how to run my life...get tacked, get in the saddle...then just go. :)
(((rainbojo))) When I first found this board, I was numb. I felt drained of all emotion. I pretty much was just breathing. Jump into the Alanon program. Work the steps, study the literature. You will come back to life and have a new perspective of the world we live in. Hang in there. It does get better.
hi there ((( rbj ))) sorry you are having a tough day. I think I understand what you are saying... that u wanted to improve yourself for others. I too validated and esteemed myself through other people (mainly my mom but I did it with bf's, friends, colleagues as well). You want them to validate you and notice you, love you and then so you can be of service to them back - yes, I grew up like that as an acoa, raised by an unrecovered acoa.
I defined myself by comparing me to others, I am very competitive and that was prized in my home. When you are young, u have so much energy, and u just want peace -so u will do anything to "solve" the day's crisis and be the hero. Yet, YOU are still in there, standing witness to your life, being ignored and over-rided. I told me my feeelings were unimportant, irelevant, that my needs werent as important as the greater good for the family. All that manipulation and feeding into those roles, is feed the disease and keep you distracted from you. We do have a choice, we agree to give in to what is being demanded/requested of us - we can choose something else.
I do know that learning to focus on me, determine my needs, love me first (as my own first priority) set and follow boundaries that are healthy for me at the time. Carve out time for you, to breathe, pray, feel your feelings and honor the inner child within you that has been neglected and ignored. If you dont stand up for YOU, no one else will. That is what I learned waiting for others in this disease. It doesnt care if you have sacrificied you for them, the disease does not care and by doing so, that is how you feed right into it. I encourage anyone that isnt happy with their life and that wants changes, to get quiet, listen to the inner voice and let you come out.
I realized that the victim mentality - well, we do get something out of it and that is what you have to identify & face. Is it worth it, for you to continue that behavior and being a victim? If not, then do something that you want to do - for you and make a change. We have choices. Even if we have responsibilities, we have choices to make all day long. Take 15 minutes out for you - or an hour.
People that want you around them bc you can do a lot for them and help them and fix them - well people that always are using you, are users. If only as a child my mom could have told me not to focus on her pain and to detach with love from her feelings and issues and focus on what drives me, my passions and interests - well, then I wouldnt have ended up here like this and right now. But I was afraid to focus on me -bc I was always anticpating her junk and focusing on her - how to entertain her or distract her. She couldnt talk to me about her feelings and she always encouraged me to express mine (ugh) you can imagine how painful it was for the both of us. Hard. It all encouraged me to be a codie and I fed that self sacrificing martyr. Its an ego trap. They resent us for all we "do" for them and we resent them for not listening to our great advice.
Me trying to absorb her pain, never helped either of us. My mom and I would drive around and I would do errands with her (this is when I first went back down to TX) and spend the whole day with her, doing whatever, grooming her dogs, looking at properties with her. At the end of the day, she would say, 'whatcha doing for your life - why arent u getting on with things'. Like, hello I was here with you all day. It goes unnoticed, it isnt necessary. You dont want to be missed for your enabling. You want them to miss the real genuine you, the known you. You must first love and know yourself. Prioritizing you is self preservation. Whatever we focus on, grows and manifests the next day. Habits are what we do. So, focus on something that will allow you to feel better, what can you do for you today?
When I projected and stared into the future or tried to control outcomes - I was miserable and helpless. Reality is right now and that is a process that keeps unfolding. There is no destiantion, it is the process.
One of the best things I heard here was that all things pass. Our feelings are transient and they are bc of our perception. By changing my behavior, I have changed my entire attitude, perception and life. It is just in how you look at things, so try a new view and empower yourself by changing and doing what you can.
Detach with love from other's issues, feelings, moods, attitudes, whims, crises and feel - deal - heal. You are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One breath at a time. When I feel like I am so depressed and I don't know which way to turn, I will go for a walk and really open my senses to the smells and sounds of nature. This really calms me and gives my an appreciation of the gift of life. Some days, just trying to get by is ok, and I look forward to tomorrow being a better day. Peace to you.
When the world said "Give Up." Hope whispered, "Try One More Time."
I'm not sure I know how to BE without other's in my head; either resentment or guilt or some form of anguish.