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These past weeks I have been working with a people pleaser at my job. I was a inveterate people pleaser most of my life. I had to be in al anon for a few years to get a grip on it. I did have all the books, the knowledge and more but I did not have the tools and self awareness to stop.
I had some misconstrued idea that when I was a people pleaser I was helping everyone and dealing with things in the best possible way. This past week the people pleaser broke one of the elevators when I was in it. She jammed up the doors for someone who she was trying to please. Needless to say I was both astonished, and upset about this vision of selflessness! Since then I have had a lot of snarky remarks from people about it because they all witnessed the incident . Needless to say I am associate with it. I did confront the people pleaser about it. Of course I didn't say she was a people pleaser and had lost all her boundaries.
I was suprized by how angry I was. I thin I didn't want to smash the myth I had of my conscientiousness. Now I think I was incredibly dysfunctional, resentful (the aftermath of people pleasing) and pretty difficult to get along with. I have found myself putting in different boundaries with her. I was relieved when she went to work in another area (she can break the elevator there!). I as also intrigued by how people seem to like her people pleasing on the surface. I certainly felt really like when I was people pleasing but I wasn't acknowledging how controlling and obsessive I was about knowing about others. The people pleaser is always quizzing me about things. Indeed after the elevator incident she quizzed me about what she did wrong! I know I was absolutely like that. I could not break out of that bubble. Me? Difficult, I am breaking my back to please everyone!
What a revelation.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Monday 16th of August 2010 07:40:28 PM
Great awareness on this subject. People pleasing is so very destructive to the self esteem of the person who uses this tool to survive in the world .
I agree that the world seems to like the people pleaser on the surface but eventually turn on the person
I am so glad that you have worked so hard to free yourself from this behavior trap. One way HP helped me to be willing to let go of destructive behavior ws to let me see it in others. Once saw and felt the destructive nature of the tools I ws using I was willing to change and let it go
What was amazing is that once I Let Go of the behavior I knew how to handle situations in a constructive fashion.
I am glad the person was transferred to a new location and that you continue to grow and share your recovery
Aloha Maresie...Elevators break from time to time for absolutely no reason or any reason at all. When I get angry over stuff like that it means I got work to do on my personal program especially if I get angry inspite of some solid recovery work. I have learned that enablers need compassion...sometimes tons and tons of it as I looked more insane than every other person around me who was as human as I was. I was crazy acting, looking, feeling, and sounding not because I was totally sick but mostly because I was missing a few solutions. When I got the solutions my life got imensely better. Blame is what my alcoholic family of orgin did that put me on the merry go round of self blame and over responsibility. I learned never to give myself grace or acceptance. Thank God and Al-Anon I don't have to do that anymore.
I was speaking with a person conserned with their own enabling this afternoon and after listening realized that understanding and compassion and words of experience strength and hope turn people and situations around. That's why I love (((((hugs))))). Keep coming back.
Well I would agree elevators get stuck all the time. However when your colleague has jammedit up for 10 minutes while she waits for another person to get themselves in place to get in it there is more likelihood it will break.
I think I'm in the observing stage. If anything I have had too much leeway in being "nice" to people all my life. One of my roommates recently announced he had taken a plant off my patio because he felt like it. When I asked him to put it back he was most miffed. I deal with this all the time. Recently I loaned a colleague a book (an expensive one) and today I asked for it back very politely. Instantly I got "what's up with you!". I am usually far far too nice. I am much nicer to others and have put up with unspeakable behavior for years. Now I am having boundaries of course it does not go down well. How dare I?
I certainly have compassion for my colleague at the same time I was stuck in an elevator issue for half an hour and believe me at the time I did not feel much compassion at all. Since then another colleague (who is under a lot of pressure) has said some things about blocking up the elevator. I'm no longer willing to take the rap for others. I don't say anything right now but if the issue came to the fore I have already told people I am not taking the rap for it. I spent my entire life taking the rap for others. Now I am just taking it for myself. That's enough.
I had to set very rigid bouondaries for myself in the beginning of my recovery. I could not allow myself to second think a boundary I had set. Once I realize what I need fro, the boundary, I commit to it and set it for myself. I have to remove myself or do whatever I set up as the consequence to carry out, so in the moment, I can take an action and not have to think on it, I simply follow through. Letting my mind wander to how Im perceived or what is wrong with other people - is a slip/trap for me. I have to trust that if they are really bothered, they will express that. I am not a mind reader and what they think is not my responsibility. I did learn that if I dont stand up for me, others will walk on me. I am not afraid of not being liked anymore. When I was people pleasing, yes u expect to get credit or be appreciated in return -it is a manipulative hook to bait people with. Like, u observed people like it at first bc they know who to go to if they are in a jam bc you make it known you are a rescuer -but they are using you. I decided not to be usable anymore and learn to say no.
I used to have a lot of judgements, the way my mind worked. I recall praying a few months ago asking god why something happened to my mom's life - I was saying what a good person she is and immediately HP says - it isnt personal or a judgement. Our lives are the consequnces of the choices we make. Period. Not good or bad, a simple consequence.
I also quit loaning out books. I quit giving recklessly. People in my life earn my trust today and I get to know them - in a natural way, I let it unfold - instead of trying to be so usable for them - I have learned to be of the best use for me. If someone earns the trust, then they can borrow from me. Be nice - to you. You say you have been nice too long... dont allow others to walk on you and be kind and loving to you first. So often I was just mad at myself for my choices and trying to take it out on them - but it all comes down to me.
Nice growth! Thanks for sharing your journey. hugs
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
