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I need some advise here. I (and my AH) attended a birthday party on Saturday for our now 3 year old granddaughter. We were there for about 3 1/2 hours, for the picnic, opening of gifts, and for the cake. Then the booze started coming out and knowing how uncomfortable I get with "that", we went home to work on my AH's ranger. (he was installing a heater and needed another set of hands) We told them where we were going and if time allowed, would stop back. (No intention of doing so with the booze but didn't want to create a scene). I thought I was practicing my recovery by making a choice to leave. Our son had also come to town for the party and were staying with us and their 2 children. We kept the kids on Friday night so they could go out with friends. At 8:30 p.m. they still were not back, we ran up to get something to eat, assuming they were still enjoying themselves at our daughter's. Long story short, we returned 1 hour later and they were all in bed. They got up the next a.m. and went home. They questioned us of where we were and why didn't we answer the phone. I told him that we had stated we were going home to work outside and since it was raining off and on didn't bring the phone out with us, but I did check periodically to see if there were messages. There weren't. Stopped later at my daughter's and she pretty much let me have it. Told me my son (and daughter) was very upset that we had left, didn't answer the phone, and didn't come back. I was floored. She pretty much stopped me short and I wasn't sure how to reply. I stated about how uncomfortable I get with the booze being around me and my spouse. She stated that it was his problem, not mine. I tried to explain that it was also my problem because of how I react to it. My question is this: Do I need to email them both and apologize and explain? I didn't realize that I had done anything wrong, but evidently I did. I am also hurt by their remarks and for not understanding how I feel about the alcohol. Or do I just let it pass over and try to forget it and do nothing? Any suggestions or wisdom would be appreciated.
My Take, You did what was Right for you and that is WONDERFUL.... you know what you need to do when it come to your recovery, and your the only one that can make that call...
Now I don't know your daughters, but I do no my sister, and she would do something to this affect as well, and at one time, I would have apoliged and basiscally polished her butt to make her not mad a me... Since I have joined this program, I have learned that she "Loves" drama, she likes to stir it, bath in it, then tell you how much she hates it....
I have learned that is her nature, and who she is, and since I am not her HP... It truly is non of my business...and I know that if I go back to the "polishin" it will just make me the "butt" and her the queen again in her mind, now I let her clear her mind, and I give her a "Sorry You Feel That Way" or "Sorry if I hurt your feelings but I did what was right for Me" and drop the subjectNo longer willing to discuss it, I have got no where in life gettin in a pee'n match with her, this program taught me, I don't have to be that person anymore... I am free to do what is Right for ME, no matter what someone else may see as wrong...
Keep Working Your Program, your doing Great :)
Take what you like & leave the rest... Love & Prayers
In early recovery I felt and was drawn to "explanations" and thanks to a great group of Al-Anon members and my sponsor I came to accept that if I had never in the past been able to cause another to accept what they didn't want or need the chances were I would still be powerless over it. I learned what I originally thought was a trite response to others who didn't like my choices..."Oh well!!" and then practiced letting go and acceptance. "It is what it is and I'm okay" is my acceptance condition today. I have no need to explain or defend my choices beyond my simplest explanation and I don't and won't and I've been practicing that for so many recovery years now that no one presses me for more. They are learning like I did.
I once saw an AA bumper sticker that said "Screw Guilt" and my first reaction was "How irresponsible!!" and my second reaction was "You're so right...what a waste of time."
You are in the program...not them. When they don't recognize the situation for what it is for you...it's okay let them question and let them go. If they want to understand more invite them to an open meeting and after that one suggest that they do 90/90 or however many you and your husband did before you got it.
They seemed to have a problem that they need to figure out. It is your choice to not be around alcohol and they have to live with it or not.
I have observed lots of times other peoples motives whenever your trying to make a change or maybe watch what your eating, anything that improves your life, the other person tends to get intimidated and doesnt know how to react to the change. Yes, if you explain it , only explain it once and if they dont get it, Oh, Well.
Sounds like their drinking might have gotten out of hand.
Sweet, keep on, keeping on, you know your on the right path.
I agree with all the other family member's share on this issue. I have one other small suggestion that helped me in family situations.
The slogan "Say What you Mean and Mean What You Say and do not Say It Mean " came to mind here.
You had ceratinly shown up for the event, provided support to the birthday person, as well as the in-town and out of town family and then you needed to leave.
Many times I have left the gathering hinting I would return and not intend to. This action caused the same unrest as it did in your family. .
I know I did not want to be confronted by the host as to why I was leaving and I wanted to take the easier softer way. I thought pretending that I might return would get me off easy. IT DID NOT.
I learned that it was much easier to thank everyone for a lovely time, say I had to leave, and do so. It does work
As far as an amend, I guess you could change your behavior and then if you feel that somene was unduly put off by your behavior then you could. I would not explain!!!
Lastly we are all works in progress praise yourself for all the good stuff you did for everyone . No Guilt I love it!!!!
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 16th of August 2010 03:11:06 PM
In early recovery I felt and was drawn to "explanations" and thanks to a great group of Al-Anon members and my sponsor I came to accept that if I had never in the past been able to cause another to accept what they didn't want or need the chances were I would still be powerless over it. I learned what I originally thought was a trite response to others who didn't like my choices..."Oh well!!" and then practiced letting go and acceptance. "It is what it is and I'm okay" is my acceptance condition today. I have no need to explain or defend my choices beyond my simplest explanation and I don't and won't and I've been practicing that for so many recovery years now that no one presses me for more. They are learning like I did.
Boy can I relate to that. I've always been an explainer. I've always demanded explanations and offer them (whether asked or not) in great detail. I felt that a detail explanation was the path to enlightenment, whereby every element of said explanation could be dissected and questioned as to its accuracy. Once it had all been split down, everyone could come to a nice, amicable understanding.
Everyone left that is, which was generally nobody.
For one thing, I learned that beyond the basic explanation it's generally none of anybody's business. If I choose to leave a family function, or not attend, it's really not required of me to give a if-and-but-or chart of every possible scenario to help the others follow my decision tree. It's just none of their damn business!
And if *I* find myself demanding an explanation, I usually have to question my motives. There are sitations at work - and I'm in a technical profession - where it's important to dissect and analyze, that's my job. But in the case of say, where someone I've contracted to do a job fails, do I really want to know why? If the HVAC contractor takes 9 days to return my call, it *may* be because his mother was sick and he was out of town and there was a flood and his truck broke down. But it really doesn't matter - 9 days for a callback on AC repair is not acceptable, and even if the guy was incapacitated, he can't fix my AC anyway. All I need to know is, this guy isn't going to do it, I need to find somebody else.
I belong to a national organization that has for decades been losing membership. They are perpetually sending out questionaires, even asking people one-on-one what can we do to bring you back, what is it you don't like about the organization, etc. For all of those decades, as the leadership has changed, changed, changed, and changed again, the most succinctly worded complaint or suggestion will get you a well written, beautifully crafted explanation of why they do things the way they do it, why you're wrong to think differently, and that (implied) they aren't going to change a damn thing.
My bank service reps love to explain to me in great detail why I got charged a fee. I usually interrupt them and say you charged me a fee because you can, and because there's nothing I can do about it. That's the reality of life, if you use money (and most of us do), you probably have a bank, and if you have a bank, they can and will charge you a fee, for almost anything they want to. I bet one of the reps that they could empty my account and come up with a good explanation that somehow weaves its way through their policies and legalities, to where there was nothing I could do about it. The reality is... I am powerless over the damn bank.
My boss loves to ask for explanations. I figured out a long time ago, that he doesn't want to know the answer, he just wants to know IF I have an answer. He'll change the subject before I've said two sentences. Sometimes I just say nothing and he changes the subject anyway.
Detailed communication and a deeper understanding is an interesting concept. It requires a minimum of two individuals who both desire it and are willing to meet in the middle and learn the language of the other. I think that happened to me once... maybe twice. LOL. I seriously doubt most of you reading this will read every word, or care about every word - and certainly will not read out of it what I intended to convey. That's ok. I wrote it for myself, it helps clarify things in my own brain and remind me I'm powerless over other people's opinion of me, I'm powerless over other people's actions, and what they think is none of my business.
I'd like to thank all of you for ES&H. I love this board. I have decided that I will do nothing unless asked again. (When in doubt, don't). I thought I had handled the situation ok, but I guess I should have just thanked them for the lovely party and for inviting us to share their special day. I should NOT have even hinted that we could possibly be coming back later. Progress, not perfection... live and learn. LOL. Thanks again.
I know since I got into recovery some people dont understand it, or like it, as its made them look in the mirror, when they dont like what they see I feel the backlash but dont react....Im a bit of the oh well school as Jerry mentioned and continue working my programme.
I no longer feel the need to explain or justify anything I need to do to take care of my serenity.
just my opinion , but absolutley not .I understand your discomfort around booze personally it made me sick physically that has lessened the longer I am in program but I too still leave when they get really going , it still bothers me and if I stay there is a pretty good change i am going to say something stupid so I leave no justification no explanations say my good byes and go home to some sanity .
Maybe it's not a question of "correct vs. incorrect". Family communications can be so complicated for me and the emotions can just feel overwhelming. I think that you did whatever you could to take care of matters... I agree with folks who say that it's probably better most of the time to leave out the "hinting" part if it's not true.
I can get caught up in that kind of thing, too. And it never really ends up feeling comfortable. I'm in a situation that has that flavor to it right now. I don't feel as if I'm really being honest. At the same time, I often don't really know how to protect myself adequately (put up enough of a boundary...as if I don't deserve it somehow) and I can "over explain" myself, too. I think that I need to work on taking the time to really check in with myself about how I really feel about a situation and then try to communicate something if it's called for or do something in my own behalf in regards to it. Bottom line is, that I don't think that I act enough on my own behalf. It's almost as if I default to victim, "poor me", etc. and thus I automatically give my power away to the other party. They, then, of course, can feel free to run with it and dump on me without compunction perhaps...since I seem to have given them the green light to do so.
I don't take the time and the energy to check in with myself and really listen to myself and what I feel, think, want and need... and then take the time and energy to follow through with an action that might work for me. I'll do that for another person without batting an eye, though. And then I wonder why I end up feeling cheated, angry, grumpy or tired...or all of the above.
Anyway, this was more than I anticipated writing. Blessings. Lem
-- Edited by Lem on Saturday 21st of August 2010 11:44:35 PM
It's almost as if I default to victim, "poor me", etc. and thus I automatically give my power away to the other party. They, then, of course, can feel free to run with it and dump on me without compunction perhaps...since I seem to have given them the green light to do so.
Lem