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I have had an alcoholic friend for 5 years. The friendship turned into a relationship (I thought) This week he told me he only saw me when he felt bad about himself, and he knew how much I cared for him...
He would come and go, every couple of months, and then contact me again. He was so convincing-I really thought he cared for me.
On Weds, I called him out on his behavior-told him he wasn't capable of love, or having any kind of relationship with anyone. He got VERY angry and told me I didn't know him at all-and that this showed him who the "real" me was....... I told him that he didn't care for me as a person or a friend. My last words to him were "You make me sick"
I cannot believe I fell for this, over and over.....
hello Taffy and welcome , the first thing that comes to mind from your post is the selfishness of the alcoholic , his needs no concern for yours at all. your not the first to be treated in this manner taffy and u wont be the last . it hurts i know but u will be okay , and you know u deserve to be treated better . he will come around again , hopfully u will find the courage to not be available , alcoholics are like boomerangs the keep commin back. until you learn that the word NO can be a complete sentence ,no explanations or justification needed just NO . goodluck Louise
Welcome to MIP.Alcoholism is a cruel and baffling disease which you can not control or cure.However you can change the way it affects you.You are in the right place, your story is not unique and there are many here that have experienced the same things your are now feeling.I hope you take the time to check this post for the next couple days and see the replies you get.Also read pervious posts with an open mind and you may gain some insight.
Though my experiences are a little different I have felt the betrayal and pain caused by my aw choosing her addiction over me and our family.I can tell you that I have found serenity and hope here on these boards and in Al-Anon. Know that you are not alone.
Abby compared alcoholics to boomerangs, they could also be compared to the "Energizer Bunny" because they keep going and going and going. They are not paddling their own boat, the disease dictates, controls and paddles their boat for them...always. I have been married to an active alcoholic for over 18 years now. Only in the past four years since I have been involved in the Al-Anon program have I been able to realize and accept that I will never be #1 in her life. The disease holds that spot, I'm a distance second. The most important thing the program taught me was to "Always Take Care Of Myself First", and "Put The Focus On Myself" and not the alcoholic in my life. You should consider doing the same. Your life will be better for it.
You said that the last thing you told him was "You make me sick".....I you allow him he will literally make you sick. In some cases we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our lives. Keep coming back and posting...consider attending face 2 face Al-Anon meetings in your area....also read and educate yourself about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease.
Alcoholism is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease. When the alcoholic is drinking, he or she is not capable of behaving rationally. There are always a million promises that have no follow through, a lot of blame for everything ("I drink because of _____" - which includes other people), and a lot of denial ("I only had 2" or "I can quit anytime"). It is very hard to keep it in mind, when the alcoholic is drinking and blaming and being verbally abusive to you, that it is the disease talking and not the person. It is very hard not to take it personally. The truth is, though, that you did not cause, cannot cure, and cannot control his alcoholism. When he turns the focus onto you by making statements like "You make me sick," he gets the focus off himself and the real problem. Blaming others is always easier than taking responsibility.
As RLC said, if you allow it the disease of alcoholism will literally make you sick, even if you are not the one taking the drinks. It is time to get the foucs off of what he is doing or not doing and why, and get the focus onto taking care of yourself. Have you been to a face to face Alanon meeting?
I remember being that hurt when those words came out also. And then I remember that it hurt even more after I said them. Alcoholism can and does hurt and often times not as much as I can hurt myself and others. In Al-Anon I was taught to stop using the "you" statements and focus only on my inventory and recovery. That is the only thing I and responsible for and able to do with lots of help. Each and Every time I pointed my finger out at my sick alcoholic/wife and accused, blamed, shamed and more I was shocked...She didn't drink less; she drank more. I got the opposite of what it was I thought I was working for. Others in the program knew that and I had to keep coming back to learn it myself. She already was blaming and shaming herself more and more often than I did and when I added my own blame the best she could do to anestethize the feeling was drink...more. Arggggh so insane. That is my experience and awareness after many face to face meetings and working this program doing what was suggested to me.
As we Understood is a great book for this subject...Little Blue thingy with powerful powerful shares in it. It is conference approved.
I know for me when I say the word YOU to my husand, or to anyone for that matter...we are already heading down a bad conversation road lol. I have learned to say only how what someone does makes me feel.
I can see his inconsistency is ot working for you. Wouldn't work for me either...so...what can you do?
In Pirates of The Carribean, Captn Jack Sparrow says...
"A man can only do what a man can do".
Same for us :)
A woman can only do...what a woman can do.
I lke Desiderata...
"Speak yur truth quietly and clearly".
Hmmm I should listen to my own advice lol. Hang in there
Hi just wanted to give a little background of my situation with an alcoholic for 30 some years and on August 2 at the age of 49 he passed away from liver failure and kidney failure. A senseless death that did not have to happen to a wonderful sweet gentle soul. I met him when he was just a kid u could say 19 i believe and he was first my dearest and closest friend in the whole world. He was my world. Never drank but after getting a job on a soda truck started to hang with older guys and it all began. The thing people don't really understand sometimes about us who stick with them is we see the real great person we once knew at least that was the case for me and maybe that is why i stuck with him all the years because i knew the real person in their that just didn't know how to get away from the monster. I call it the monster because to me it was. It changed a caring smart intelligent human being into this monster. After years and years of drinking straight vodka it finally got to him the monster won. To all of u who are living with this i feel for u because no matter how much u love them or how much u try and tell them sometimes it just doesn't work and for yourself u need to find peace with u and let them go before u have to keep watching them die one day at a time as i did and no matter how hard i tried it didn't work. Now i sit here missing my best friend and thinking why don't they get it and i came to the conclusion that this is what they want their lives to be and that is their right to do. Just as i wanted my life to be what it is so i don't judge myself anymore or blame myself anymore because i know i did nothing wrong but love him and was their for him until the end. Yes not fair to me but that is how the monster works. So pleases don't try to change someone u cannot. Change yourself love yourself and if u can try to move on and be happy. life is to short to worry and be sad everyday. It isn't fair to u or other members of your family who need u. Stay strong and i hope someone out their will read this and maybe just one person will get it. I know now that i did all i could do and now he knows how it is to be happy in heaven without the monster to bring him down. Good luck to u. God bless. jo ann
YOu have been give great suggestions. Please join us.
Dear Joann aka ob1conob
I am so very sorry for your loss to this dreadful disease. I too lost my very special son to this disease three years ago . I understand your pain and admire your courge and fortitude
Please start a separate post and introduce yourself so others can respond to your situation.
I know I shouldn't have used the word YOU, but I just lost all my composure this time. I feel terrible about some things I said-but the words are out now, and I can't take them back.
It was just awful-I hope never to go through that again.....
