The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I've been in the alanon program for almost 2 years now... or is it 3. Well I have a 2 and 3 year old at home and it's hard to keep track of most things. It's nice that in the program I can give myself a break and realize it's not really important to keep track of everything anyways.
So, I think it's been almost 3 years now that I think about it. And my husband is still very back and forth on what he is going to do in his own sobriety. There is still a lot of him blaming me. And although I know I'm not to blame... I think about my kids and how things affect them. Is it better for them to have him in their lives or is it better to give them more consistency with less of a presence from their very loving but very hurt father.
I am getting ready for a big move that will break a lot of ties I have with him and his family. He will still be nearby. And I don't want to worry about what will happen if I do this or that. But it helps a lot for me to hear what other people have been through in this same situation with young kids. It opens my eyes to different options and tools I might use as in this journey of motherhood. If you are a mom and have been in a similar situation, I would love to hear your story and what you found was the right decisions for you.
Coming from that environment, I do know when ur that little, u do feel responsible and take it on. You become so aware and u try to entertain or distract your parents. Personally, I think consistency and security are the most important things to small kids. They need to know where the line is and what the consequences are. Then kids spend their entire teenage years trying to stomp on boundaries and develop themselves as individuals. If you dont detach, I think it can be very hurtful to some parents but that is what those years are about.
Be honest and do the best you can. My mom was honest with me -she was age appropriate too. She was clear and honest but no graphic details about things, just the simple straight truth, she did provide that. I did not get security or much consistency in our living environment, it always changed and that was really hard to always have to be re-adjusting to. A few moves, isnt a big deal - my mom moved every two years, ugh!
I think it is very important to watch your kids and ask them what they want/need. My mom never forced me to see my dad and the few times, I wanted to, I did. I met him twice, once at 5 and again at aged 16. I think it depends on the kids, so try to be aware of their needs.
There is an old book out of print but u can still get it on amazon used - called, what's drunk mama - it has answers for very young children.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am not a mom but a dad, And I want to say for alot of people to take the first step to actually planning out doing something for thier kids and themselves can be very emotionally and physicly draining. But remember a plan is just a rough draft of what you need to do. You have to change with the plan as it changes alot, so do not get frustrated and fight with yourself or what you need to do. When a wall pops up and they always do. go around it, climb it or kick it out of the way and keep going one step at a time and do it rationally. Frustration leads to defeat unless you beat it back, irrationalism leads to misteps and more frustration. Keep your head held high knowing you have the strength and will to do what you need to, and never doubt yourself. I admire your strength and awareness. My love, prayers and wishes go out to you and your children.
May peace, serinity, love and happiness fill the rest of your life.
I am assuming you are separated or about to be * making a big move * Kids need both parents in thier lives and separation does not mean that won't happen .. your kids are far too young to make a decission or to be a part of it this is your decission they will adjust . If adults remain cival it seems to work out okay .. no one can decide for you if its time to cut the ties , but as a alateen sponsor for many yrs i know most kids resent the fact that they were not allowed contact with thier dads or moms .. kids accept parents much easier than we do . if spouse is still drinking children depend on us to keep them safe so that will change things considerably and for me thats why we have a court system in place .. supervised visits work for the saftey of the child Kittys suggestion for a book is a good one ,it is written for little ones explains the disease in a way that kids understand is respectful of the alcoholic and reasures them it isnt anything the kids are doing . good luck take care of you a happy mom is a gift unfortunately alot of our kids don't get that .
Welcome Charlene and congradulations on your time in recovery. You don't sound like a newbie. I've worked with young people as a career counselor in the past and lots of times they can see the picture better than the parent and respond better also. Other times they need to ask questions and get unbiased honest responses and at other times they need to be asked how they see the picture so the parent can get a different perspective. Honest, sincere, empathetic communications is so valueable. Unconditional love and acceptance is also and I hope that one becomes a two way street. If you allow them to meet and be around some of your Al-Anon Family members they will learn from that also.
I do not have children. I made a plan be, talked a lot about the plan be to others, kept my focus on myself. Eventually executing it was the next right step. I did stop contacting the ex A's parents, brother and family. Some of his family were supportive but at a certain point they were all enmeshed. I can't say it was an easy move. I did not move very far away and cutting off all contact at all was a step by step measure. Eventually that too became the next right step.
