"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

New here. I have a long story!

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((ilovedogs))))))))))))))

WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY....

You are in the Right Place, and Please keep coming back, you will find many story's here that match yours' and see that you are Far From Alone...

Friends In Recovery'

Jozie

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP

Glad your here. Read your story and its all very familiar.

One thing you must realize is that your not responsible for the continued drinking.

You didnt cause it, you cant control or cure it. Alanon is about our recovery from the many years we have lived with an alcoholic or alcoholics in our immediate enviornment. It would do you a lot of good if you follow thru with going to as many Alanon meetings as possible.

Of course there is the board here available 24/7. There is so much experience on this board alone.

We learn that we are not the Alcoholics keeper, they have their own journey and Higher power. Instead of putting our energy into trying to get the alcoholic to admit to drinking, which doesnt really create any value. We can concentrate on ourselves and creating serenity .

Keep coming back. It will be a life saver. Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 13th of August 2010 02:39:02 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((ilovedogs)))

Welcome and glad you are here.....I love dogs to. So far as I'm concerned there are only two kind of dogs....Black Labs and the others......of course I'm a little prejudiced since I have two Black Labs. LOL.

It is called alcoholism for a reason, not "alcohol-wasm". The disease is always there ready to raise it's ugly head. It is a powerful disease and no matter how long the alcoholic remains sober when the A takes the first drink even after years of sobriety the disease takes control and the A's drinking habits, and quantity consumed will be the same as if he had never stopped drinking. I've seen it happen with my AW three different times, once after 9 months of sobriety.

Proving, confronting, or getting him to admit he is drinking is not going to accomplish anything. It's a waste of your time and your serenity. No amount of pleading, begging, discussing, or threatening will do any good. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless. He is the only one who has control over his drinking. Only he can decide and make that change. What "is" important is what are you going to do?

You can only take care of you and the best place to do that is at f2f meetings. Most everyone who replies to your post will suggest that you get involved in the Al-Anon program. The program will show you how your life can be much better whether the alcoholic in your live is drinking or not. We have all been effected by someone else's drinking, otherwise none of us would be here. You are at the right place among friendly, caring and understanding members who understand you as perhaps no one else can.

Keep coming back....please consider following up on the suggestions you have been and will be offered, remembering those suggestion are what has worked for others.

HUGS,
RLC

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep coming back and get to a f2f if you can,.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You could dig that bottle out of the garbage and sit it beside his dinner plate and he will deny that he put it there , someone else must have put it there or you did just to prove a point ,no point in addressing this with him , expect him to lie its what practicing alcoholics do .. just trust what your seeing and assume he is drinking , get to meetings and learn about the disease of alcoholism and learn how to not let it dominate your life , looking for bottles is a waste of time too I am sure u can find somethng more productive to do with your time . you are worth the effort see if you can find a day time meeting for yourself as a practicing drinker is always worse at nite , son will be safe for an hr doing homework while u return some sanity to your life , do it for you and your son our kids deserve at least one sane parent and for now it has to be you . it only takes one person to create change and if we want change we have to be willing to create it .

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

You know what makes it hard for me? The fact that he can be perfectly normal and lucid on some days. I don't mean 'not drunk', because he hasn't had a drink in 15 years(other than our slips these past few months). I mean lucid, like he's making sense with everything he says, he doesn't sound so hopeless for the future, he's thinking of a plan, and being proactive. When he's depressed there is NO hope and everyone is a bad guy.

Like today is one of those good days. I'm not going to bring it up tonight but I'm wondering if he noticed that I got rid of the wine yet? I'm also wondering if HE'S going to bring that up because if he does that may open up the conversation. I'm just going to tell him that we made a mistake, period. If he doesn't agree with me or gets mad about it then I will say that I found the bottle and that I really felt sick about the fact that he lied to me. If he wants to deny it, that's on his conscience but I'm going to at least let him know what I know. I'm also going to tell him that I scheduled myself for counseling and that I expect him to be supportive of it, which he probably will be. He's actually a very supportive guy. He has a great heart and apologizes genuinely for most things. It's just this part of him that wreaks havoc in our lives and it sucks.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

In reading your post and all the responses I believe that you have received a great deal of valid information and suggestions. What I wanted to comment on was your signature message as it is very telling "Struggling to Find Me"

I also had lost myself big time by the time I found the doors of alanon I had tried group therapy, council, church etc. Because I repeatedly focused on my marriage and husband I could not find me in the equation.

Alanon was the answer.If you have been affected by someone else's drinking then Al-Anon is for you! Help in finding meetings in your community

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Here, on this Board and in local alanon meetings, I was restored to myself and I learned new tools that enriched my life and marriage

Please join us.

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 13th of August 2010 07:49:16 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 13th of August 2010 07:49:52 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mrs. Lover of Dogs...You post leaves me feeling empathetic and aware that
the man you are married to and I have/had very similar characteristics. I was also
born and raise under the influence and by the grace of God over time hold member
ship in both Al-Anon and AA. Al-Anon and AA have pretty much helped me solve
all that other personality crap I use to walk around with; Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde, Godzilla,
the entire Great Depression and at times Mr. Wonderful, Andy Williams, Nat King Cole
and St. Augustine all rolled up in one skin covering. I did "What's my line" better
than most until I got into Al-Anon and AA. It wasn't only about not drinking recovery
was about not drinking AND...fixing the other stuff out of kilter in my life. He's never
been to meetings...how sad because he's living in the problem and not the solution
himself. I have gotten far more than my share of support in Al-Anon and then AA
and I needed all of it. One thing I have not done because of all the information I
have received here and including college is tempt the devil with one more drink. I
full believe, understand and know how this cunning, powerful and baffling disease
works. They offered you champagne and you had what you thought a good justification
to have some. This disease loves a yes or just a little or maybe a sip because the
door opens again and since alcoholism is a progressive disease you arrive at finding
a bottle of gin in the trash. Alcoholic goes back into fear and guilt and shame and
returns to lying, cheating and stealing. Don't be shocked, be convinced; it doesn't
change. Unless it is arrested by total abstinence it only gets worse.

Alcohol is a chemical depressant and often times depression is habitual (unless we
learn other positive habits like in the program). That is how it has been with me but
not forever since I've been allowed to sit and listen to and learn from all of the
supporters I have me in both programs including MIP.

I'm glad you found your way here and I hope at you first Al-Anon meeting that you
find the literature table early and get as much to read about you and this disease
as you can so you can be on your way to happiness whether he is still drinking or not.
Learn the difference twix "dry" and "sober" and keep coming back for your own peace
of mind and sanity. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Update: we talked for a few hours late into the night last night. He agreed not to drink and said he'd do whatever I wanted, counseling, dates, etc. He did make the observation last night that what needs to happen is that he has to change.

He told me he wouldn't be surprised if I left him. He knows I got the short end of the stick in our marriage but he told me he loves me dearly but he just feels 'stuck' with work, etc. All he's ever known is working and he has a hard time taking vacation as he feels the customers just need HIM, etc. He said that I just end up in the crosshairs because we're all home together so much that I just happen to be there and wham! he's going off about something and I have to be subjected to it.

I told him I'm still going to counseling. I'm hoping to figure out how to connect my past to my current situation. My dad was a different kind of alcoholic: he was lazy and apathetic so I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until I was in college and he found out my mom was cheating on him. That's when he turned into a mean bitter drunk and he'd call me at college and blame me. Telling me I shouldn't have been born, the divorce was all my fault, blah blah blah. Anyway, I have a lot of negative situations from my past that I really haven't put to bed yet, both situations from childhood/early adulthood and from my marriage. I really do want to move on, I know we love each other, and I just need to figure out how to get us working together.

I have a bit more hope today. He seems a bit more cheerful today, too. But, I am still going on with my plan to go to meetings and to get counseling. I'll be checking in here, too.

Thank you all for your feedback!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries are critical. I'm no longer willing to be anyone's punch bag. I know that al anon has allowed me a safe place to explore what works and what doesn't. For some people telling them to back off is not enough. We have to show them through action, deed and meaning it.

Maresie.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, boundaries are critical but I didn't even know the meaning of the word until a few years ago. When my dad was crossing over his boundaries with me I didn't know how to respond or how to handle him. He still knows how to press my buttons and my husband was telling me last night about how angry my dad makes him sometimes when he hears how my dad talks to me.

My dad is sad and I do try to extend some grace to him to some degree. Believe me, my son has it easier than I had it as a kid. My husband is a much better father than my own father was to me! My mother was indifferent and my dad was just a jerk(I could use other words to describe him, but I won't). He teases me, he belittles me, makes fun of me, and generally treats me as if I'm still 10 years old. He has a foul mouth and I've threatened to take away his right to see our son just because of his mouth. He's rude, chews with his mouth open, and tells crass jokes at the dinner table. My dad also is a heavy smoker, he's 61 years old but looks like he's already past 70! He is in poor health and I see what years of heavy smoking and drinking can do to a person.

Anyway, somehow this turned into a thing about my dad, LOL! Guess that's why I need to get to some counseling!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you're going to counselling, and hopefully it is for you, and your recovery.... My experience with "couples counselling" while one is an active A, is that it is an effort in futility, at best, and an aggravating & demoralizing disaster, at worst..... So many counselors out there know nothing about addictions, and that is playing into the disease of the alcoholic....

I wish you well
Tom

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ilovedogs. Your story is one that is heard over and over in the walls of Alanon. Sad, but true. I hope that your counseling goes well and f2f meetings will be helpful to you as well. Remember, Alanon is for you not your AH. He needs his own assistance through the AA program. I hope that all goes well for you. This program works if you work it. Hope you stick around.

tlcate · Senior Member

So glad you found us! Please keep coming back. Let us know how your first meeting goes.

Tricia

rainbojo66 · Veteran Member

Hi and WELCOME to MIP! You are defintely in the right place...

nt only can I relate to your story...I HAVE your story lol...in a sense right now.

My husband and I were sober for almost 13 years. I realized some things about myself, and I do not have a problem with alcohol. I also liked the idea of a glass of wine, music in the kitchen, make dinner and chat. Nice.

But no no...not nice. Because this is not enough for an alcoholic.

He does not drink or sneak alcohol. BUT when he does tie one on...its not pretty and it's becoming more frequent.

I feel the tension in my stomach, and I just want to RUN. I try not to say anything, but did say to him "when you drink like that, I don' like being around you. You're different, and not always nice".

He obsessed on that for a while, but because I put it in terms of how it made me feelm rather than a judgement statement...he seems to be handling that as feedback. Not taking it personallyas much. This is good.

When he doesn;t work his program, when he is not connecting to an HP (which he hasn;t done in a few years now), well...I feel a real difference. The program is unbelieveable in terms of helping A's communicate and take care of their side of the steet.
This "dry A" behaviour you describe with your husband...is not pleasant. But it is a terrific excercise is detachment for you.

On the other hand, i know for me...I never wanted to DETACH from my husband. I wanted a PARTNER in my life...someone to walk beside. So...expectations really are "future resentments"...but I'm not sure what a reasonable and an unreasonable expectation is. LIke...is it UNREASONABLE to want to be with someone with whom I feel spiritually connected? Because I am starting to see that this is really the most imprtant part of my life, and ALANON is helping me stay focused on what God wants for me...not what my FEAR (opposite of God!) wants.

I am not a religious person...but I do love all things to do with my HP...and I know for me...and for you...there are no mistakes, and everythin always works out even better than we old have ever orchestrated ourselves.

Someone in my first F2F meeting said "Pain is a necessary part of life (we never learn anything in Disneyland!) but...suffering is NOT".

YAY :)

Peace,
Josee

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Josee,

Do you have children? That's the hardest part for us. Dh says that he needs to be away from ds because he's too hard on him and because he sets the wrong example with his passive aggressive behavior, etc. He says he knows he can change but he knows it won't be overnight and he's afraid of how his attitude affects our son. I'm just glad that he's aware of how his behavior affects others, I just wish he'd put more effort into changing so that we can be on a more positive path for the future.

He's agreed to not drink anymore so we'll see how that goes. It's really his anger and resentment at the world that bugs me the most. I'm hoping to talk him into seeing his GP and trying some meds for anxiety/depression and if I like my counselor I will be bringing him to my sessions(he has already requested to come along) and then maybe he can set up his own sessions if he clicks with the counselor. I really do have hope for the future. Maybe I'm just naive.

I figured I've survived being sexually abused as a 6 yr old at a babysitter's house, then I was raped in college, my younger sister nearly died of leukemia when we were children, my grandparents were hit by a car when I was in college and they both died(they were walking home from an evening church event), my cousin committed suicide that same year, and my other cousin(other side of family) died in a freak accident at work when he was 30 and I had just graduated college. After all that, I still have hope and I've never lost my joy in having another day here on earth!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"