The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met my partner about 5 years ago. . . He has been using since 13 I've been an enabler for my whole life i suppose, I was taught to be one apparently i'm learning.
we broke up, still seeing one another i became pregnant. I then found out he was sleeping with the bosses daughter/ who is also his co worker. . . he said it was over! The pregnancy was difficult from all the stress. Once i became ill with the flu and i wasn't recovering i often went to the dr. who discover that i have a couple auto immune conditions that are not curable ( no not aids! possible lupus or something else) fibromyalgia among other things and i've been rather ill. .
THe day i found this out i also found out he was still sleeping with the daughters boss for 2 years thru out my pregnancy and after, He devevloped a solid attactive addiction because his GF at work is a drug dealer! as if that isn't painful enough this GF of his lives with her husband of 7 years who called me for emotional support lol. . .
He went to rehab and is now in a outpaitent program and getting better. .
I on the other hand am not well! I'm 28 as of tomorrow and my body is falling apart from poor health. I take care of our son since i cant work right now and have all the reminets of the damage inflicted upon me. the details are horrible and graphic. . . Its not be pleasent in the slightest and i dont know how to recover from his lying, exploiting, manipulation, verbal/ emotional abuse. . . Now i'm paranoid, untrusting, depressed, stagnate. .. . I know i need help and i don't know what to do. . .I need a prospective. I don't know what to do!!
I am lost and confused. I want to get health before my son is much older and can put together whats going on. The stress of my state impacts my son's childhood. I dont laugh, smile much at all if ever. . .
What do i do. . . How do i get better from this? THis is all new to me!
Note: I did not edit this post, except to increase the font size so that "young" people like me could read it. Karilynn
-- Edited by Karilynn on Saturday 14th of August 2010 11:13:23 AM
Aloha Jen...I relate to your first post...Welcome to MIP and please plan to staying around and recovering with us. This is a place of healing and healing suggestions. I was also raised enabler tho it wasn't called that..."helping and fixing" was what it was called and I was told I'd be greatly blessed for doing it. I was greatly blessed and had to come to Al-Anon to get those blessings. Today I am normally and naturally blessed without condition and without having to fix anyone to earn it.
In early Al-Anon I was told by a sponsor to distance myself from everything alcoholic. I easily distanced myself from friends and family and distancing myself from my alcoholic/addict with almost took surgery. I had attached myself to her as if she was a Siamese twin. I went thru withdrawal after detaching just as if I was detaching from heroin.
You need another perspective and to get that you must be willing to listen and learn and follow up on suggestions just like the addict and alcoholic has to in order to get clean and sober and maintain that. One of my perspectives from where I stand is that I see some of the crazy choices I made with my own addiction to my alcoholic/addict. I married her while at the same time wanting to have nothing to do with her and the alcoholism. I was going to tell her I was done and then married her instead. I put myself in tons of bad consequences including having sex with her which she was having sex with others. Yes I had a temporary condition as a result which cleared up after I left...thank you God. I must have deserved the healing cause I sure didn't make good choices for myself. In Al-Anon I learned how to make much better choices for myself in the right way for the right reasons and I'm in to stay.
How it happened for me was I miraculously found the hotline phone number for Al-Anon in the white pages of the telephone book. I was looking for Help in Emotional Troubles and the Suicide Prevention Line. I got what I needed Al-Anon and the membership which saved my life. It was suggested that I do 90 meetings in 90 days (easy where I came from 439 meetings a week in the trivalley area...huge disease) and keep coming back. I have always come back and mostly to give back what was given to me. So go to the white pages of your telephone book and find the number for Al-Anon. Get the meeting places and times and go as quick as you can. When you get there get and read as much of the literature as you can get your hands on and hang with the fellowship to learn as much as they know. Keep coming back to MIP cause you know where we are and you can find us in meetings also.
This disease is powerful and as you might have realized it takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. There is nothing fair about it. The disease effects everyone it touches and take away our sanity. But you have found a safe place, a place where others effected by this disease will offer their experience, strength, and hope.....what has worked for us.
Other members will reply to your post, members with years in the Al-Anon program. They will share with you and suggest to you what you can do to make your life better. The thing you will be told over and over is get involved in the program. Find face 2 face Al-Anon meetings in your area. I cannot stress how important that will be for you. The meetings can change your life.....they definitely changed mine and thousands of others world wide.
Listen to the experience, strength, and hope others will offer here on MIP. Accept it, trust it, and apply it, your life will change for the better, I'm living proof.
Welcome.....keep coming back......never forget we understand and we care about you. You have a new family and most important you are not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 12th of August 2010 11:23:34 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 12th of August 2010 11:25:12 PM
I can indentify with some of your post and am so very, very glad you found us.
Please go to an Al-Anon meeting. Some have daycare.
If you can't, we understand. There are online meetings here and of course you can post and share with us anytime. I just think a face to face meeting would help bring some more immediate relief.
There is a lot of Al-Anon literature that will help and those led me to other books on love addiction and co-dependency that were also invaluable.
There is hope. It isn't going to be like this forever. Coming here and asking for help was the first step. I am so glad you are here.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Welcome Jen, A big hug to you!! You so deserve it.
So glad you found us and you are seeking heath and serenity for yourself . Glad your reaching out . It wont happen overnite, but if you stick with us and Alanon, you will feel so much better.
The hardest step is the first one and your already here. Please keep sharing with us as all of us have walked in your shoes.
I'm so glad you found us and are ready for help. Help is here and in the rooms of alanon. You will be able to take steps to heal the emotional and spiritual damage that is done when affected by another's addiction. You will also learn how to have better relationships by beeing the best you can be. This can help in your relationship with the addict, but also in your relationship with you child, family, friends etc. It's incredible isn't it! Keep coming back Jen.
Plenty of us get here in the fall apart stage. I know I did! Al anon can really help you no matter what the circumstances. I encourage you to dive in and learn. If at all possible please get the book offered at the top of the page, that book will help you a great deal.
I can relate to how the stress of having a relationship with an active alcoholic (or addict) can tear the body down. I was diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue. It is, however, reversible, but it really means doing whatever I can to reduce the stress in my life so my body can recover.
Al-Anon has helped tremendously. I don't know where I'd be today if I did not have the program, because it has really, REALLY helped me to handle the challenges in my life differently. It has taught me how to respond instead of react to stressful situations. It has taught me detachment and acceptance. It has taught me to take care of myself and to love myself.
My husband cheated on me a lot, too. I really share your devastation about the lying and cheating. It's an awful thing to live through. The pain of it all might have killed me if I didn't have the support of Al-Anon and my sponsor.
You're in the right place. If there's any advice I would give, it's to find some face-to-face meetings near you and start getting to them - it's really important for us to break our isolation and reach out to others. Get to as many meetings as you can in the next week - attend at least 6 overall before you decide for sure if the program is for you. If you do decide you can benefit from it, find yourself a sponsor and start working the steps.
I have a chronic disease very much like yours, and I also found that my partner was drinking and lying when I was pregnant. I was terrified. I'm here much farther down the line (our child is eight now) to tell you that you can survive it and be fine, even though it seems very frightening. One thing was that I thought my husband "had" to be there for me and stop drinking and start being responsible because what would happen to me if he didn't? What I found (thought a lot of fear, effort and growth on my part) was that I could take care of myself without him, with Al-Anon, a group of supportive friends I gathered around me (I have no parents or siblings left), and my own strength.
When your baby is born you can join mothers' and parents' groups and you'll meet a lot of people you can complain to, get tips from, trade childcare with, sit and commiserate with while your kids raise holy heck, etc. etc. I was looking to my husband as my lifeline, but I can say very truly that my life got a LOT saner after I asked him to leave. For one thing, he wasn't responsible with the baby -- he'd walk out to get alcohol, he'd drive drunk, it was a nightmare. And I was worn out with the chaos and the hoping he'd reform and the emotional rollercoaster of him quitting, or saying he was quitting, and then showing up drunk, and on and on.
I hope you can find out what your rights are about child support, social services, and so forth, and then you will be free to make whatever decisions you have to make in your own and your baby's interest, not out of fear or dependence. Please find a meeting near you. You deserve so much support and help. Please keep coming back. Really, you can survive and find serenity.
