The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married 19 years to an A who has been sober that many years. We have had our ups and downs as I have learned when the person gets sober it is a new set of battles. Lately we have been struggling in our marriage over finances. He blames me for bad management and withholding things. I have admitted to my shortcomings and even after we agreed to put these things behind us he still brings them up in arguments. We can't seem to make any progress towards building a better relationship. He is so angry and self centered. HE has been to therapy, we have been to therapy and I continued ongoing to therapy. Somehow along our journey I forgot he is an alcoholic. Any suggested reading for him to remind him also.
reminding him ? well good luck with that one . Your the one who has to remember who your dealing with .. my husb used to bring that same subject up all the time , I was guilty of the accusations in the past but it has been along time since I have been disrespectful regarding money I finally told my husb I was not going to listen to something I did 10 yrs ago and have not done since and low and behold it stopped . Every time he brought it up my guilt would kick in and he knew it so we were off and running him accusing me justifying just the same old sick merry go round.. Sounds like u have made ammends that is all you can do and of course change the behavior ..enough is enough. I don't know if your attending meetings for yourself , if not please start he is alcoholic always will be and you need support drinking or not .. we have 20 yrs sobriety in our home today I still attend 3 f2f meetings a week , we do not think alike our solutions to problems are not the same , Al-Anon is about me for me it helps to keep me sane , because today I know that I am my biggest problem
We are powerless over your alcoholic and our lives would become unmanagable. LOL It's true!!
For me when I learned how to change how I responded to the alcoholic and others and that I had many choices available to me in order to get that done my live became very managable. I stopped living my life for or because of her and took over self management. "What part am I playing in it?" is still a very most important question for me even in this marriage where both my spouse and I are program workers. "We are not perfect." the program says and that means I get to "walk it" each and every day I'm present.
I has been said in both the rooms of AA and Al-Anon that fear is the most consuming emotion within the disease. I'd look for the fear in the parties to the marriage and work on that. Self centeredness from anyone is about locking others out of my life (fear). Anger and rejection is fear based. Try answering the question what are we so afraid of? If you're depending only on him to come up with solutions you're leaving someone out. Call Al-Anon from the hotline in your area and get to a meeting asap. (((((hugs)))))
I have been married over 30 years to a sobert A (over 20 years of sobriety for him). He is self centered and self absorbed. He moved out 5 years ago. We had been to individual therapy for Adult Children of Alcoholics. We had been to couples counseling several times. I thought they were all beneficial but I think that he was afraid of being found out. He says he doesn't want to try any more. He doesn't want to ask anyone about money issues etc. He has walled up and isn't willing to compromise or negoitate. There is always hope but we must keep the focus on ourselves or we will be lost in the disease too.
Go to meetings. Read the literature for yourself. The disease of alcohlism whether in active drinking or sobriety is cunning and baffling and comes in many, many differnt forms.
Some times the very best you can hope for is that they stop drinking and that's it. Lots of them think that no drinking is the only solution and continue on their way dry only. Don't let that stop you from going ahead and farther on. (((hugs)))
