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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Dear Friends, I have a dilemma, I've been obsessing over it for a week now and can't seem to resolve it. I would really appreciate your perspective.
Long story short, I have discovered I have a half sibling so we have been getting to know each other via email. They have now asked me about alcoholism (did wonder if it would rear it's ugly head)
It seems one (or maybe more) of their family are affected, they were non specific as to whom, only to say it wasn't them so must be one of their adult children. They asked if its in the family...........what do I say? What would you say?
Is it my business to share someone elses business (my adult A son) when its not me who is the A. Do I just say yes I believe it to be a family trait and leave it at that ( worms jumping everywhere out the open can springs to mind!!) Oh I could ramble on more and more about all the ins and outs........help!!!
You can see Im strangling myself in knots here....
Is it my business to share someone elses business (my adult A son) when its not me who is the A. Do I just say yes I believe it to be a family trait and leave it at that ( worms jumping everywhere out the open can springs to mind!!)
It is nice to connect with family and I am happy for you. I understand your delima and think it is entirely up to you how much you reveal.
The Courage to Change has helped my understanding of the issue by stating:
The anonymity of the alcoholic refers to a person who is in AA. The still practicing alcoholic has no anonymity because they are out there and everyone can see.
Since this is a new found relative, you might be comfortable just confirming that alcoholism is alive in the family but decline to discuss "who".
You could then offer your knowledge of Alanon as a solution. Again being noncommittal about your participation in the program. Remembering that we no longer " Gossip about others and do Keep the Focus on Yourself. " that way the conversation could be constructive and who knows you may 12 Step them
Well, I'm an alanon newbie so maybe would not be the most appropriate person to answer your question. But I do have experience in a related professional field.
I would probably wait a few days to respond. I would pray, and then probably respond simply, honestly, and vaguely - 'yes, I would not be surprised to hear that alcoholism runs in our family'.
The asker is reaching out to you, and you have an answer that may help them. And yet you must protect your own interests, safety and privacy. You don't have to tell them anything more than you want to. And note that the asker protected his own privacy by not revealing the identity of their A relative. Certainly you deserve the same level of respect. Best, pax
Pax.....you are in my head!!.....these are my thoughts also...I've delayed a week in replying and I have to resolve this in my own mind.
Betty you said '' You could then offer your knowledge of Alanon as a solution. Again being noncommittal about your participation in the program. Remembering that we no longer " Gossip about others and do Keep the Focus on Yourself. " that way the conversation could be constructive and who knows you may 12 Step.
I have to say I think a lot of my current reticence is to do with not wanting to become embroiled in MORE alcoholism....I need to examine my motives here.
Good morning Ness. I guess if there could possibly be a genetic link, I would feel guilty if I didn't tell them there have been problems. (Guilt talking again here...) I wouldn't tell them who or anything else on the matter. I would simply tell them that if they are struggling with this, that they should consider Alanon for themselves. Good luck to you.
I just checked in before going to the dentist and felt I had to respond again. Talk about compulsions!!
Great program in examining your motives and keeping the Focus on Yourself.
Not wanting to be that close to a "new" relative and being hesitant about connecting with someone on alcoholism is a valid insight and a way to take care of yourself.
The conversation is via email so that it is easy to ignore the question .
If you decide that you want to respond, I would be very detached and simply say yes, alcoholism is on this side of the family as well. I would then leave it at that.
Conversations, getting to know someone, trusting and intimacy are all a process!! If you like the person, feel connected and want the relationship to blossom share a little with each talk. Who knows where this could go!!
Best of all , take care of you and do only what works for you
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 12th of August 2010 08:27:49 AM
Have to agree with HotRod here Just be very none specific and say something like " yes it seems to be a family trait" and leave it at that. If they ask for specifics then I would repsect my A's anominity ( even tho he isnt in recovery) as thier story is for them to tell. I am sure like the rest of us your new found family members are looking for answers to thier own dilemma. If you are comfortable telling them you are in alanon and how it has worked for you then do so. It maybe what they need to hear. If you are not comfortable with that I might say there is a prgram I have heard of called alanon that helps family and friends of alcholics/addicts and tell them about alanon. Thats just my opinion Blessings
I keep reverting back to just telling them the minimum and not projecting on the outcome. We have only just had the answer as to whether we are siblings or not so it's all pretty full on and very early days.
They are in advanced years...almost 30 years older than me, and I know any answers I give will be to questions they have long held.
Talking via email ,well there is a good chance u have slid in a Al-Anon phrase or two , maybe sibling has also been attending program and recognised the lingo . A practicing alcoholic has no anonymity , so to say as has already been suggested yes it appears to be in the family works .. How neat is that to find half sisters or brothers u didnt know existed , another gift ..
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 12th of August 2010 11:55:50 AM
This sounds like a great opportunity to check out what Steps and Traditions may fit with this situation. Also a great conversation to have with your sponsor.
I find the tricky part for me is releasing information and keeping it factual instead of coloring it with emotion. That, and making sure I don't have any specific expectations with sharing such information.
I guess sometimes I look at sharing personal information in the same way as I look at letting people borrow my stuff. I often say to myself... "Only loan out stuff you're fine with possibly never seeing again." When it comes to sharing information that could be sensitive with people whom I don't know extremely well, I try to keep a practice of only sharing information that I would feel comfortable about the rest of my relationships discovering.
Damn...why didnt I ask you all a week ago, I would have slept a lot better. Im an idiot.
The email is sent.....kept it simple. What Ive learned about detachment and boundaries I can apply if need be.
Hey Louise, you had me reading back the emails Ive sent and yep there is a wee touch of Al-anon there right enough!!
I was an only child so this is all very interesting.....oh, and they live in MIP land....you never know I may be across the pond someday!! Watch out!!!
Aloha, you are so right.....emotions were getting in the way and I was projecting way too much. I have no expectations, but I was projecting that they may have. Far too much energy was wasted....how not to apply the principles eh?
Uh Uh...you're not an idiot!! It comes when it comes (just my reaction lol)Talking about a family disease in my family doesn't fall under anonymity (for me) it's is about a long time genetic condition which if not arrested by total abstinence can and does result in insanity and/or death. I got the information and I give it as I understand it from doing my inventory of the disease in my family. To with hold it would be the same as with holding therapy from a sick person allowing them to flounder without awareness like I did before I got into Al-Anon. I don't drop names regarding alcoholic relatives still alive and thru self righteous gossip. I use the phrase "For me" and "It has become my awareness and my experience" and because I have counselor experience I will ask the question "what's going on with you guys?" Of course that question isn't only about the possiblility of the disease in the family and also about new just discovered relationships. You have made new connections let alcoholism not be the only reason for it. Of course I will mention Al-Anon (For me) and then try to keep my share with in limits.
It's okay for me to break my own anonymity...I am responsible for that within the guidelines of this program.
That's my share. (((((Hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 12th of August 2010 03:10:56 PM
To with hold it would be the same as with holding therapy from a sick person allowing them to flounder without awareness like I did before I got into Al-Anon.
Thank you Jerry, this was in my mind as I responded back to them today.
So glad that I am able to come here, throw it around a bit and get such wisdom back.
When it came to family dysfunction I used to be an open book. I tend to slow relationships down now. Who iw this person? Why do they want to know. If you are feeling uncomfortable that's often a sign there's a boundary issue here. My self esteem was so low most of my life that I spent all my time fixing others. Choosing your response is great practice. I think it is fomidable that you are broaching this question. Good for you!
Hi Maresie, Ive never been an open book, the exact opposite! Ive always been called deep In Al-anon I'm learning to open up a bit.... say what I mean etc.......
I agree about the boundaries, in the emotion of all that is happening Ive let them slip. Im done with fixing. I know many families who suffer from the disease so can show empathy without relating it to my immediate family. As my son is dry for the last few weeks and another close relative is in recovery 10 years I have to be careful....both have asked me not to mention their business so I have to respect that, after all this sibling is still a stranger to us.
When I started the Al-anon programme, stillness and dont react are two of the mainstays, step out, think it through.... Well I had lived my life by that code, but all was lost when the disease powerfully and sneakily removed them like a thief in the night.I am regaining them but see from my reaction to someones expectations of me they are tenuous. This disease still makes me shake.
I often find myself either barricaded in or too open or over reacting. The new thing is that I know I can aim for health. I had no idea what that was for most of my life.
"Dear half sibling I am a grateful member of Alanon. However I am not comfortable with speaking about others and compromising their anonimity" "I can certainly understand your pain" Then a pitch for her participation in Alanon. ??
) I wouldn't tell them who or anything else on the matter. I would simply tell them that if they are struggling with this, that they should consider Alanon for themselves. Good luck to you.
A practicing alcoholic has no anonymity , so to say as has already been suggested yes it appears to be in the family works .. 
