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Well it didn't go as expected at all. First thing A said to me was where is our son .. LMAO yeah kids don't go to court ... He asked if I got a memo stating that .. I just ignored him. He sat right next to me waiting for lawyer and whatever .. I kept repeating the serenity prayer in my head.
We wont be going to court anymore. Everything was finalized. My lawyer didn't show up so the district attorney brought some lawyer in for me she was really nice and helpful. A was very upset I had a lawyer and he didn't he kept asking me while we were waiting if it was a free lawyer or a private one I had paid for. I told him it was none of his business and I didn't want to discuss anything like that with him.
But I'll get to the point ....... no supervised visits I talked with my lawyer and the district attorney and the DA said he's been doing these cases for 18 yrs and I have no chance with supervised visits at this point. He didn't even ask me questions or look at my paper work. Basically said since my son is almost 3 and can talk then the judge doesn't do supervised.
So I am suppose to let him take him for 4 hours 2 days a week for 30 days then 8 hours during weekend for 30 days, then 24 hours during the weekend for 30 days then every other weekend I think it is. DA said he would do it SLOW usually he just jumps right to every other weekend right away. And the days and times are what me and A agree since he insisted to them we talk and could agree on things. He can't drink 8 hours before or during visits... but if he does then SOMEHOW i am to prove it ...? their example was if he were to get pulled over .. I replied yeah what if he gets into an accident and my child is hurt .. alcohol is legal to drink so they don't seem bothered by it. BUT if I have proof he isn't following these orders then I am to call the lawyer asap and she will take it back to court to make changes ... yeah im not going to be sitting outside his window watching to see if he drinks .. So I dunno about that ..
He seems to have been doing better these past 3 months he's been coming to see our son under my supervision. He hasn't been drunk as far as I can tell. So maybe he's doing better .. but I hate to admit it but I will i can't stand the thought of my son being around his "whore" sorry for the language .. I think I'm still a bit in shock I thought this would take many more court days to be finalized. I think I'm okay but also scared.
Any esh would be appreciated
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Aloha Mel...kinda sorta how it's been going for years and the frustration is the same. Do the courts understand? Maybe more than they use to but they fail to understand along with the legislatures what the definition of enabling is. The whole system is running of the diseases drum; So cunning, powerful and baffling. Trying to find one of these people with courage locally is beyond looking for a needle in a haystack. Stay with your recovery and do service for the newbies who come into your meetings. With continued support things will change for the better.
Just curious....what if you'd already proved he had a drinking problem...would this outcome have been different? That said the laws suck especially for guys (IMO)...I'm in a situation where if I were to get divorced today wife would get half of my pension, custody of the child (I'd be a co-custodial parent but my daughter would likely be living with her) the house since she'd have my daughter, maintenance since she hardly ever worked and I'd be living in a cardboard box today. She stayed home, rarely did housework or cook a meal and I paid every bill in the house except for her personal credit card (she still uses mine for things like car repairs etc). I've been a single dad functionally for a long time. On top of that she's emotionally abusive to me and daughter (at times but enough for me to be very uncomfortable leaving my daughter alone with her for days at a time, which would be the case in a settlement)...good luck proving that one too.... It seems so unfair...I've done everything, she's done so little and she'll get half of everything. It's the law but it's also BS....I'm very bitter about all that. I'm staying until my daughter is teen so that at least she can choose and would be old enough not be so intimidated by my wife as she is at 9 yo. It really sucks and there's no way around it unless it gets negotiated
mjhyankees .. he has a few dui's on his record I think they realize he's an alcoholic they just don't seem to care because you can legally drink alcohol. I explained of past situations briefly where him and my son were alone and he was drunk and passed out or drove .. All the DA replied was well I asked him if he would not drink 8 hours prior and during and immediately A replied he would be fine not drinking .. so they are taking his word and didn't seem to care or understand that when their lips move they are LYING.
I didn't HAVE to take this option, but the DA said since my son can talk .. blah blah .. he can tell me if there are any other issues during the visits then the judge likely wouldn't grant supervised- he normally just does when they are babies .. and if my son tells me of any issues we could go back to court (but I'm not certain my son would know at this age) ... The more I think about it ( I didn't get much time this all happend in like 20 minutes) I may have tried taking it to "trial" i guess you would call it. I'm not super worried about the 4 hour visits which will last 30 days so I'm just trying to do odaat and see how it goes for now.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I'm sorry that things didn't go as you had hoped. I think to take it ODAT is very wise. You are an observant person and can get further help if the court's decision needs to be challenged.
Sorry it didn't go as you hoped. You responded well. I think you are going to have to take it moment by moment. I hope he will be responsible with his child. The lawyer did say that if it isn't you can call her. You have a strong program and know what to do. I hope & pray that all will be well. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Document document document. If your son arrives back with any bruises, scratches whatever photograph them. I can only imagine your heart ache and worry. There are a lot of groups on line about contested custody. All those people have been around that block. That may well be one resource for you. Certainly for me personally being around any A (active) means chaos, frustration and a flood of emotions. Boundaries are so key. Sounds like you held your own in court. Raising your voice in this situation is not an option, if you are documenting you can bet he is too.
Detaching is a huge huge skill. Practising it in the beginning is very very difficult. The more I practice the better my life is.
I hope you will use this board as a sounding point. This is a safe non judgemental place.
he kept asking me while we were waiting if it was a free lawyer or a private one I had paid for. I told him it was none of his business and I didn't want to discuss anything like that with him. 
I talked with my lawyer and the district attorney and the DA said he's been doing these cases for 18 yrs and I have no chance with supervised visits at this point. He didn't even ask me questions or look at my paper work. Basically said since my son is almost 3 and can talk then the judge doesn't do supervised. 
