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Okay, I've posted previously about my sober ABF and I getting back together. He is, thankfully, back to work and it's time. Probably be another month or so until it actually happens. The part I'm having trouble with is actually telling my family that I am leaving. I have been staying with my parents since I left him. Of course they have all become attached to our precious daughter. I am just looking for some support and any advice anyone may have regarding this situation. Thanks in advance!!
Are you leaving the area such that your family will not be able to see your daughter? Other than that, I know it's a hard decision but you've one made.....
Yes, I will get going back to GA, where I left in Oct. I have lived away from home since 19. But, moving will get me closer to my son. He lives with his dad in NC. I never intended to be back here where I am now, and don't want to be here forever, regardless of my relationship. My parents are being really protective right now, and I totally understand that. But they need to let me make that decision, to leave. I am 32, not 19 anymore. I just don't know how to approach it, other that just coming out and saying it. Alcoholism runs in my family, both sides, so I was hoping they would have some kind of understanding about loving an alcoholic. Just glad my ABF has gotten help and is working the program.
Family are often very understanding and I would suggest letting them in on your plans and practices even though it might make you fearful. They are as concerned about you as you are with the alcoholic, that's the way it works...work it. Let them in on it and ask for non-judgemental feedback. That is how love works and it is how we love you here. Many of us will be (in reflection of our own experiences) concerned about you. Your choices are your as are your consequences. You get to stand up and announce "For this I am responsible" and then own it all. Let your family of orgin have the same privilege as your MIP family. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Are you going so far away that they will not be able to see your daughter?
My experience was this.
I got back together with my exA 7 mos ago. Our relationship was pretty toxic the previous time - but we had both been in recovery for a year so I thought I would give it a second chance. I didn't tell my family. I even hid it from my daughter until she found out via my cell phone on her own.
This did NOT feel good and was a very STRONG indication about how I really felt about the relationship. Hiding and lying to my family about what was going on in my life was very unhealthy. He couldn't be a part of any of my family functions as no one even knew we were back together. We have been apart for a month now and no one in my family still knows about the 6 mos we spent together - only my daughter and my sponsor...and of course MIP.
Looking back, what would I change? I had set boundaries around this part of our relationship. We could be together with my daughter and I would tell my family if we went to couples counseling. It never happened. 6 mos of lying was heavy on my heart. If I was smarter I wouldn't have gotten so involved in the relatioship at ALL without the counseling - saving myself a lot of heartache, time, and lying. But since I jumped in anyway, it would have been better for me to just be honest. It is my life to do what I want with and others can judge me, but that is none of my business. Honesty is key and I blew it and suffered the emotional consequences. In short, I felt like a mistress. Blah!
Hopefully you won't be going too far away so they can stay involved with their grandaughter, children are a blessing. Otherwise - it is your life and as long as you are secure in your heart with what you are doing - it is no one else's business.
Telling them will be difficult, but I would trade that for lying any day. Lesson learned the hard way.
Just my take!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Yeah, they are aware that he and I are talking and trying to work things out. I learned not to lie about this a long time ago. I did enough lying when I was with him the first time, they had no idea about his addictions. They may be a little surprised, but I think they expect it to happen eventually. My mom wants me to wait like a year or two before going back. But that is just unacceptable for me, I feel he is really commited to his sobriety and to us having a happy healthy family. I can't imagine him not being a part of our daughter's life for another year or two. We're going to be about 12 hrs apart, so it won't be too awful for them to visit, or for us to come back this way. I guess I just need to bite the bullet as they say, and get the word out.
God Ri..."bite the bullet" is such a bad metaphor from my perspective and then it's your metaphor and choice. This would be a very good time for a seasoned sponsor to talk with also. When you said "not waiting was unacceptable" It just reminded me of when I did that and what the outcomes were. I relate so much to what tlcate responded with because of similar consequences. I wish you good luck. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
when faced with the same problem years ago I asked my parents to support my decission to stay in this relationship .I told them I was going to Al-Anon for support and for me it was working ... then I had to stop telling them what was going on in our home Ikept phone calls short and to the point as the less they knew the less they worried and offered advice , it also makes things easier for the alcoholic and if sobriety sticks they dont have to be humilated by thier past behavior by carless thoughtless remarks from family . This is your life , live it the way u feel is right for you . Louise
In this day of amazing technology, staying "in touch" is as easy as a touch. Daily emails with attached pictures, computer cams, web sites like Facebook where you can write your thoughts back and forth at any time....
I have three children and two grandchildren whom I love dearly. We are a super close family even thought daughter and husband and two granddaughters live in PA, number one son and his wife live in AZ, and number two son and his wife live in DC. I live in TX. Using our computers, we can all be in the same room together every day.
You are not really leaving your family. You are simply staying together in a different way. I send you all my good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you all for your words of concern and encouragement. I'm not gonna get on here and defend the sober ABF. His problem is just that, his problem. But I do support him in his sobriety and his recovery. I will be having a talk with my mother tomorrow evening as we will have some alone time. Wish me luck!
I hope your talk with your parents goes well. I think if it was me I would be as honest as possble, I am sure your parents are concerned for you and your daughter and have the best intentions. Possibly when You speak with them you can have made a plan for them to see you and your daughter. Pick out dates where one party or another comes for a visit. Them seeing you back home with your children may make them more comfortable. Always leave the door open to them so they don't feel you are hiding anything and may start to project on what is going on. Good Luck to you Blessings
I am definitely going to handle the way I deal with my famiy way differently this time. They know now what happened before, so it will be a lot easier to share things that are going on in our life, good or bad. We will definitely have to return to my parents, within a few weeks or months, to get all of my furniture and things I can't take on the plane ride :) so that will be a plus. I know they are going to want my BF to prove himself, which I totally understand. I know he can do it, he is becoming the man he, and everyone else, wants him to be. I just don't want them to feel like I am ungreatful for all of the help and support they have given to me in the past 10 months. I have always tried to express my gratitude for everything.....
do you have the book listed above, Getting them Sober. I strongly suggest reading it. Early sobriety is a hard time. So many of us get our expectations up. I know for me that my expectations are something I have to work on day in day out.
