The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling guilty for wasting so much time trying to fix and control my husband's behavior. I am feeling the devastation of this separation from him. We moved nine months ago. I am feeling sad because I have always chosen men that were bad for me. I feel mortified at the thought of any of my three daughters walking the same path I have. I feel like I am just plain stupid. People look at me and wonder why my life is in such a mess. I feel ashamed. I feel like a jackass for wallowing in self pity. I am being truthful when I say that I am most comfortable when I am feeling sorry for myself, even though it no longer works for me. I have been a victim for so long that it keeps pulling me down, I feel so ashamed for ever playing that role. I used to look at people who played the victim and have contempt. Now I have contempt for myself. I was so hopeful that this marriage was going to be different. When he chose the drugs over me and our baby, I sank into a deep depression. I left with his baby and he still didn't care. I am just writing my feelings to let them out. I don't want anyone's pity. I want to get rid of this way of life. I am so sad that my dreams have been shattered completely. Please tell me how I can go on, because I really thought he loved me, and I do know that I love him and miss him so much, but it just doesn't work when we are together. I feel like a failure that I couldn't just stay there with him and work this out. But at the same time I know in my heart that my children will not be raised around drugs. I can't stand the grieving process, it is so painful. So is the truth. Please God do not let me fall out of your will ever again. Please help me remember this pain if I ever try to love another alch or drug addict again.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Grieving the loss of the one you love, facing the reality is VERY hard. It's painful. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. You did and do the best you can with what you have at the time. There is hope, you can feel stronger and better about yourself.
I found that when I was ready to do a step 4, I could think about my character defects and get a reality check from my sponsor. I was much harder on myself than I deserved. I had a lot of self-loathing. I had to learn to love myself and give myself some forgiveness for how I handled past situations in our home. I had to understand I was well intended and motivated by love, but still affected by another's drinking.
Kath i only know one thing for sure ,his drinking has nothing to do with not loving you or your child sad truth is this disease is running his life at the moment and nothing else matters nature of the disease it just dosnt care.. If love could cure alcoholism there would be no need for programs , treatment centres . You are not a looser a little nieve perhaps but never a looser ,your here looking for help for yourself loosers don't do that . Please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself u need support , forget what u think you know about alcoholism and learn about the disease that has changed your life . learn how to recover from the affects of someone elses drinking . do it for you and your child ..
Kath, thank you for your heart felt words. When I came thru the doors I felt very much the way you are feeling right now. Please if you can get to some f2f alanon meetings and we also have on line meetings here, please join us. It will get better. There was so much I didnt understand about addiction and thought I did. I wasnt sure how finding out was going to help me either, but it did. How we are affected or infected by this disease I never saw. My thinking had become so distorted. I didnt even see that, I just knew something was wrong. I remember sitting and thinking, I cant live the rest of my life feeling like this and actually looking the word "feelings" up in the dictionary so desparately wanting them to change, like a definition was going to help :) What I did find thru reading, attending meetings and being willing to do almost anything I could to get a hold of myself was that my perceptions started to change over time. My feelings in turn also did. That was a miracle in itself :) So, please keep coming back, this program really works...and miralces await for you :)
We hear you and understand what you are and have gone through. Maybe our details differ slightly but the feelings and the dynamics are the same. This is a progressive disease that affects the entire family. You are not a failure and have not failed. However the TRUTH is recovery comes to those who surrender their way (control). I have HP/God and that is what I use to surrender to, however it could be anything you feel comfortable with.
I am acoa. I grew up in the chaos and dysfucntion with parties and drugs always there, somewhere.
I commend you for wanting a better life for your kiddo. But you have to get ur focus off what the A is doing or not doing. Al-anon is about YOU and what are you going to do - to empower yourself and your life?
An A isnt like most people. Most people, if you stop to help them, they get cleaned up, are appreciative and continue on their merry way. When you stop to help an A, they use you to enalbe themselves. Then the slow insidious manipualtive game is in effect. If you are like me and came from that - well, u cant help but find A's everywhere, they are attracted to us (enablers, codependents) like white on rice. It is chemical, magnetic. It is dysfunctional. If we were, healthy, we would have boundaries and not tolerate the lies and games that A's play. When we arent so healthy, we think we can cure them by loving them more than anyone else has ~ well, that never works. The disease steals us too, from our families, kids and from life.
When we focus on someone else - we lose ourselves. It is that simple.
I hope u hang around and give alanon a real try - for you. Hope you stay for the miracle. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
p.s. - I did think of myself as a failure at first when I left my exAH. However, I try to use logic as that seems to be the best way for me to motivate myself to change. Think about this: It took Thomas Edison 5,000 experiments/attempts to build the light bulb. He never got discouraged, he said each time he failed - it was a lesson in how not to do it. -Plain and simple. YOU are not a failure, you have learned one way that leads to - something not very heatlhy for you - not a failure, just not the healthiest thing for you.
I encourage you to forgive yourself and let go of judging and condemning. It only hurts you, ultimately. TC, glad u found us!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((Kath))) I won't say I pity you, I will say that I feel bad for the way that you are feeling about yourself. My sister said just the other day, "I feel so sorry for you and your life." I said "Don't you dare pity me. I am getting past this and want NO pity because that will destroy me." Have you ever tried reading some self help books? For myself, I felt beaten down, trampled, hopeless, and totally alone before I found Alanon. I bought the Alanon literature but I also purchased some self help books. I NEEDED to find out WHY I felt the way I did. Through much reading and self analysis (and being totally truthful with myself) I was able to work through it and now, am working past it. I also do some journaling. It was very helpful to me to write down every day how I was feeling and why. Then I could look back and read the entries and try to figure out what was happening that day and why I was feeling the way I was. It all takes time, but what else do we have? I know now, that I AM worthwhile. I am still working on my character and my reactions to addictions. I will never be perfect, but I am only striving for progress. That is the best I can do. Hang in there.
The world said give up. Hope whispered "Try one my time."
I identify with all you say, although I have been in the Al Anon programme for some time now, I can still feel those feelings and when I do I know I need to re-focus on me. My sponsor told me that in many ways Al-Anon is a selfish programme, I struggled with that for quite a while. Selfishness was a bad thing when I was a child, as indeed was self-pity.
It is not the A's fault, they are ill and cannot love in a way we understand, sadly when around them we suffer the same insanities, we try to apply reason and love in a situation that just cannot work and we have to break free of that and work our own recovery, because we deserve happiness.
I do not pity you, I empathise with you and that you have found the courage to 'change the things you can' I can despair sometimes how my 'unconscious mind' throws up emotions trying to force me back into old behaviours but on our own thats what us humans do - please focus on you and get to meetings - it really does help
Sweet stanley, I really related to ur post here. For me, when I was ready to give up on life and end it all - a flash of insight came into my head, was talking to me (HP, it was hp, ok lol) -- like- hp- what are u doing? k- ending this all hp-why k-bc i have tried everything and i cant "make" it in life hp- you have not yet begun to try. you are merely surviving, not living.
How can u deny a truth like that. It was the truth, I was only doing MY way. I was stuck in what I knew. I had to open my mind, let go of what I thought I knew and be willing to get teachable and brutally honest. God was right there and I wasnt listening, bc I wanted to see the answer with my own "glasses" with my own perceptual view. I had to get out of my view, to learn something new, I had to let go and be willing to try.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Personally I no longer try to change anyone's view of me. If they pity me good for them I'm far too busy going on with my own life. What other people think about me is none of my business.
I can tell you that if you work a program and that's a lot of work your feelings abut yourself will change. The challenge is working it, embracing the tools, going to meetings, hanging with people in sobriety.
I identify with you...recently went through a bout of depression centered around regret of the choices I've made in life and what it may take to undo some of them in the days to come. There was a lot of self-beating. I had to come to a place first where I could take it easy on myself. My therapist advised me to think about treating myself the way I'd treat me daughter if she makes a mistake, even a serious one. I'm sure I wouldn't call her some of the names I call myself! After I've given myself a break I need to work my program to get me into a place where I can start to fix what needs it. Hope this helps.
