The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since my son has been removed from our deceased mother's home for many reason's, not the least of which was using it for drug use for himself and his friends.
He is thirty years old and since finishing high school it has been one long slide downward into someone I don't even know any longer.
Last night just as I was ready for bed he shows up with three buddies all were high they just sat outside in my driveway, he calls me on my cell phone wanting me to come outside, I told him I would not because he was high and he had people with him that I did not want in my driveway. He and his friends just kept hanging around walking up and down my drive. I called my son back on his cell and told him if they didn't leave I would call the police, then he wanted me to send his dad out ( my husband had already gone to bed) I told him no and again told him I would call the police, my nerves were frayed by this time.
Then they loaded up and left, I called my sister to alert her that they maybe headed her way to go up to my deceased mother's home, he always makes the excuse that he left something in the house that he needs. We are worried he will burn it for spite if he is not allowed to live there because he has threaten this before. I get into my car and meet her up at the house, sure enough they all show up, we tell my son he can get some clothes from the house but that he will have to leave thereafter. We sat in the car and watched them. My son would come over to our car and talk crazy and really wanted to get abusive but he knew we would call the police. We had mace if needed.
I finally got home around midnight, my nerves are strung out. He is never going to give us any peace, my home life is always in turmoil.
I am afraid at times like these when he feels like he is the victim here, he lets us know he holds us responsible for the things that has gone wrong in his life.
It is more than I can handle, I feel like I am about to break, wish I had someone to guide me through things like last night.
Aloha ((((Dreams))))..."We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanagable". "Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to S A N I T Y." "Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". Just after this you could add and then called the cops. This disease loves unfulfilled promises and uses them to increase the progressiveness. When I didn't follow thru I enabled it to get worse for me. I am in the Al-Anon Family Groups for me and not for my alcoholic/addict. Sometimes our life coaches are called sponsors, or the meeting, or another trusted servant. Some times our higher powers wear uniforms.
I pray your husband and you get to some meetings. ((((hugs))))
(((( dreams )))) Do u have a sponsor (program mentor) to work with? None of us can do this alone and you are not responsible for everything "gone wrong" in ur son's life. The only person you can control or change is you. You are willing to call the police on ur son. Maybe some legal consequences could make a difference for him. Either way, u can only take care of YOU and work ur own best program. I am glad ur here and reaching out, I hope u are getting to meetings and working it for you!
I had tons of guilt that motivated my enalbing behavior. I had to over ride it and ignore those feelings to be able to focus on me and do what was healthy for me - to stop enalbing - it was a process of undoing (patterns, habits) and changing behavior one day at a time. Hang in there, you are not alone. TC
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((((Dreams)))))) Hang in there. We are here for you. Having a AH is tough, having a AS has got to be even worse. Read your literature, get to f2f meetings. Remember, he is an adult. You are not responsible for his choices. Only he can make his own choices. You need to take care of you. Stay strong, there will be better days ahead.
I can totally relate to your share. My son is an addict ( in the rehab unit in jail right now). we have to remind him constantly he will not be coming home this time...he seems to have selective hearing. We offerred since he has no job. money etc to try and get him into a sober living home...his other option is going to a shelter. As I said he has seletive hearing and keeps trying to renegotiate the deal. Asking us it get him an apt near us etc. We have explained to him that if thats what he wants he will have to figure out his own way of getting an apartment but as long as it is our money we will control where it goes. And as awful as it sounds and feels as a parent, I do not want him to close to home because I know he will do his best to get back living here. With him gone for quite some my husband and I have been able to restore some sanity and serenity into our lives and we like it. I just can't imagine going back to where we were before. I pray that I keep the strenght I have gained and the strenght you seem to have in order to follow through with our boundaries Blessings
It sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourselves and your son....you are not enabling him....hang in there and get the support you need to deal with this. Alanon or otherwise.
Abuse comes in many forms, mental, physical, verbal, and also in the form of intimidation. You can mix all four in one pot and what you get is still abuse, plain and simple. It's sad but you are not dealing with the son you raised and love. You are dealing with his disease that has completely taken over his mind, body, and spirit. No one has to accept unacceptable behavior or abuse regardless of the form. The disease your son has in inconsiderate, selfish and thankless. Take care of yourself first. You have choices which could entail calling the police, detaching 100%, or not answering the phone. Those things you can control. You and your husband can decide what is the next right thing for the both of you. Your health, well being, and serenity should always come first.
Dear Dreams......first of all heres a ((((((((((hug))))))))))))
I like what Jerry said...sometimes our HPs come in uniforms.
I used to be afraid of uniforms now I view them as part of my serenity!
Its only since finding Al-anon that I realise I can, (I am allowed to), put my wellbeing first. As a mother I was used to putting others before me, but we are not dealing with the norm when dealing with this disease.
I relate so much to what you have written I did a lot of running around and chasing and fixing and sorting.... this damn disease bullied me, via fear, into it! I will no longer accept the unacceptable, (its taken me a LONG time) RLC is correct when he says its abuse.....it is. Now I have no hesitation in inviting uniforms or whoever to manage the unmanageable. I dont see him as my son, hes hidden, consumed by the horror of alcoholism.
I used to shake to the near vomiting stage when I saw the police car stop outside. My 1st thought was always are they going to tell me hes dead, then it was relief when they dragged him through the door.....I made it all so easy for him. I accepted the unacceptable by allowing him in the door. The last time they brought him home, way last year sometime, we refused to take him in so the police had to lock him up for his own safety. I had never thought to refuse before...but then I didnt have Al-anon in my life before. I never had the police bring him back again, if he was lifted off the street he told them they would have to lock him up as he wouldnt be allowed home.
That was just a small beginning, I have refused to do a lot of stuff since then. His cushion has been removed and its been bad, very bad, for him. Its tough as hell for us all... but each small achievement makes me that bit stronger. Hes currently in rehab, 6 weeks sober odaat.
This disease is a thief.....it steals our loved ones, but stolen things can be returned to us.....hope always.
