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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Ugg...he's healthy and sober but now I'm the problem
Post Info TOPIC: Ugg...he's healthy and sober but now I'm the problem
Danielle07


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Ugg...he's healthy and sober but now I'm the problem
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This is my first post here and I'm so grateful to have found you all.  I spent the weekend having a pity party for myself but once I realized that there is someplace to go and others who have been where I am I felt empowered and inspired.  So for that I'd like to say thank you to everyone for sharing themselves and their stories...it means everything and helped me get through a tough weekend.

I have been dating my BF for 4.5 years and he is the love of my life.  We met at work and our relationship grew slowly over several years.  He started out as a mentor to me...always pushing me to do more and learn more.  He gave me confidence that I didn't know I had and made me feel smart and capable. He is the greatest communicator that I know and extremely handsome on top of it all.  smile.gif So when our friendship turned into a romance I felt grounded and like my life was really taking off.  Until addiction came into our lives.  

About 2.5 years ago the depression he had been experiencing from the loss of his mother combined with the loss of his job and medical issues he was experiencing caught up with him and he began self medicating.  He hid it from me for over a year...binging while I was at work.  When I would come home he didn't show the outward signs that I associated with an addict and I attributed his withdrawn behavior and anxiety to his depression.  I begged him to see a therapist and he would get angry with me and accuse me of nagging. 

About a year ago he came clean to me about what he had been hiding.  He promised to get sober but about 3 months later relapsed, again hiding it from me.  I had my suspicions though and I made myself crazy trying to "catch him".  I would monitor bank and credit card accounts, accuse, snoop...anything I could.  It drove a wedge between us and I felt lost and alone.  Then one day I was done.  I was sitting in my office at work when I accessed his bank account.  I saw that a large sum of cash had been withdrawn from his personal account and he was not answering my phone calls.  So I left work, drove home, and caught him red handed.  

Since that day in May our lives have changed tremendously.  We immediately began seeing a couples counselor who specializes in those who have been effected by addiction.  He began attending meetings regularly, is back in physical therapy, is exercising and working again, and contributing to the household. I too have been educating myself on the 12 steps, reading just about anything I can get my hands on.  I've attended a few CODA and AL-ANON meetings, been meditating at least 5 times per week, and am pushing myself to pursue hobbies that make me happy.  We are communicating better than we ever have and I am learning to feel safe with him and trust him again.  Home life has been everything I've been wanting and looking for.  I am so proud of him and of us...this past Friday was 90 days sober!  But for some reason, you wouldn't have known it by my behavior.  

It started Saturday morning when I went into his pill case to take some Tylenol out.  I saw his medication and all of those old emotions and fears came flooding back to me.  My BF is physically disabled, and needs to take this medication.  This has never been an issue in the past, but for some reason I suddenly felt compelled to count his pills and when he woke up and caught me he didn't even get mad.  He calmly talked to me to help me figure what it was that had triggered this in me.  He told me he understood that bc of the error of his ways he lost my trust and it will take time to build back.  He even offered to me that if I needed to do this to feel secure that he wasn't abusing that it was OK and he was an open book.  We thought it was over...but only a few hours later what started out as a normal couples bicker over needing some extra space on the couch turned into me lashing out about his financial contribution to our home and what he "owed me"!  He was deeply hurt by what I said and told me he felt like I had just knocked the wind out of his sail.  He told me that I need to confront my need for control and that he believes I don't know how to handle the fact that I don't have a "superior" quality over him anymore.  He said that he feels like I am treating him like a junkie and told me that if I don't figure it out we need to figure out our life paths on our own.  I was seething mad and needless to say...it was a long quiet Saturday night at our house following that argument.  I spent the night feeling sorry for myself in my bedroom.  Crying because I couldn't believe he had said that to me...completely disillusioned by my own pity.  How dare he give me an ultimatum and tell me that I'm screwed up! 

But the fact of the matter is he was right..I was refusing to admit that I had started this argument.  The hardest part in this entire process for me has been admitting the error of my ways and confronting where I fall could blame my problems and the turmoil in my life on him and his shortcomings.  I knew what I said and did was wrong and the thing is I didn't even mean it.  It isn't even indicative of our current situation.  I was projecting what I had been angry about in the past and never said to him.  I was operating out of fear...he is physically disabled from an accident and needs to take medication to be able to walk.  He has never shown any outward signs and is upfront and monitored by his doctors for his medication, but that morning I thought...what if he begins to lean on those pills.  What would be if he started to abuse them the way he had alcohol and drugs in the past?  I was afraid of the what if and projected it out when I needed to take that time to meditate and pray handing my destiny over to my HP.   It was unfair to his accomplishment and to my sanity.  I imagine if I was struggling with recovery from an addiction and celebrating the incredible milestone of 90 days I would feel hurt and sad that my partner wasn't sharing that pride with me. 

So today I'm trying my best to start fresh and keep reciting the words in the serenity prayer to myself.  After I failed to overcome my codependency on Saturday, and sulking over it on Sunday, today my goal is to just breathe and feel empowered by my newfound wisdom because this was not something I could have understood or processed at the start of the program.   Thank God for the 12 steps!!!









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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:
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Dear Danielle

What a first post!!! Fullof insight and wisdom!!!! you are on your way.   Please keep coming back, posting and visit our chat room and on line meeting. 

I also recommend finding face to face meetings in your community.This website will help    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon  

You do not have to face this alone and yu will find courage, serenity and peace in these rooms and a new way of interacting with the world 

You are worth!!!

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:
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Aloha Danielle...You've started the work and been thru the shock of this disease
which isn't a moral issue.  This is what humility feels like...hold on to it because
it is a treasure.  You can turn it into being teachable and that is one tool in
growth in this disease with a spiritual solution. I hear you describing old
resentments that have solutions in the program and in the steps you have come
to know.  Face to face meetings will afford you so much experiences from others
who have been there, done that, and have amended that which doesn't work.

90 days isn't a long time however looking at it another way it is one day at a
time repeated 90 times and that kind of practice results in solid recovery as
we continue with our own recovery.  I suggest that you get a sponsor in the
program and not rely upon him for your direction and mentoring.  He also
has only 90 days (if I read it correctly) and needs only to carry his own weight
and not that of both of you.  He also gets to carry resentments if he wants to
and sometimes even against his own will (unintentional).  He is responsible
for his own health, happiness, sanity and sobriety.  He is also responsible to
let go of things beyond his control even if that means you whatever the basis.

We have a slogan in recovery "To thine own self be true" which means for me
and for my wife also..."Our recovery comes first and without it we chance loosing
everything".   Soooo Trust God (Steps 1-3)  Clean House (Steps 4-11) Help
Others (Step 12).   Thanks for the courage in your share.  (((hugs))) smile

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abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3854
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Well done , catching ourselves doing what we used to do is a shock , been there a few times . Apologize and forgive yourself for being human and move on .  We have a book calledthe(Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage)it is amazing talks about what we did in their addiction and sobriety also has some great stuff on Communication seems that a problem for alot of us .
Keep the focus on yourself where it blongs leave him to AA and take care of you.  regardless of what he does you will be okay. Louise

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I came- I came to-I came to be
Aloha


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1652
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Glad you're clear enough to see the parts you play in your relationship.

I agree, too, that it sounds like it's time to start seeking a sponsor. Get to some more face-to-face meetings and keep your eyes peeled for someone who just has or exhibits that "special something" you wish you had. It's hard to explain, but I'm sure you'll know exactly what I mean when one day you're sitting there listening to another member's share and think to yourself "wow... that person seems to have it together. I wonder what their secret is...?"

I agree with Jerry - your BF cannot take on the role as your sit-in sponsor. He's too close to the matter and on top of it all, he's really needing to focus on and work his own recovery.

Just really happy to read how clear you are on this matter.

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Danielle07


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
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Thank you so much everyone for your feedback. Though I have been to a couple of meetings, it is true that I have not fully committed myself in that manner on a regular basis. I plan to go tonight to a meeting in my neighborhood and hopefully with time I will find a sponsor that "speaks to me". I hear you all loud and clear; and couldn't agree more. If we focus on our individual recovery everything will fall into place. It's scary how easy it is to revert to old habits...and it's even scarier how quickly things spun out of control when I did. As painful as the experiences leading up to this were...the understanding of myself that I'm finding has been incredibly rewarding...Maybe the silver lining is beginning to show itself. I've even recently seen how small changes in my behavior alone can create closer and deeper relationships with family members and friends.

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