The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today for some reason the Word "Cluttered" will not leave my thoughts...
it started when I look around my house this morning, and just feel Drug down from all the things I SHOULD be doing, instead of sitting around dwelling on it not Being done...
But as I started to dig into this thinking I realized it isn't just my home, it is my thoughts, my life, my Everything... I often pray that I could find a way somehow to just "Have Only what I need" but yet I am still over run, and worn down trying to figure it all out....
So this Lead me somewere I haven't been in a while, but I don't know if I am at the core and making progress or if I am in a rut...
When I was Growing up in my Alcoholic/addict home, my 1st 8 yrs. (Before the Drugs took over in our lives) If others were to look in our windows, they would see what appeared to be many wonderful things, "THINGS" being the key word... When My Parents Split and I was 9 all those "THINGS" were packed up and spread between about 7 houses... (My Mom had 6 brothers that moved us)... Well every child has things that "they" feel they can't live without and I was no differant... But even tho I just lost my Afather when we left, I also lost my "Stuffed" beagle I slept with since birth, My own back yard, my swingset, My (Loved with all my heart) Apple Tree in the back yard, My Dog, my own Room, and I went from "Having IT All" to having damn near Nothing but the clothes on our back... Not long after we left home, (Maybe a year) a flood ripped thru our small town, and the Uncle that we lived with, Died in that flood, So again, more trauma... but not only did that flood take him, it took alot of my belongings as well, because all that "Stuff" we were to get back from my Uncles, (Once we got settled), was in their basements, and well... Flood Ruined 90% of my Childhood... GONE... (Just in attachments of Mine) Including Childhood Photo's, family heir looms all GONE...
As I grew into an adult, it was like I had to Surround myself in "Things" that I Would not ALLOW the Same Fate... Yet... Most do not "Mean" anything to me, because I have given away my ability to "Want them" ...yet, I still allow them to suck the space out of my home... WHY????? I don't get it... I have prayed on it, stayed on it, and Honestly, I think I could currantly walk thru my home and find MAYBE (5) "Things" that I can say I could not part with, and most are attached to the memory's of my lost love ones, but other then that... The Rest Could GO... I just don't have the energy or the Will Power to make it happen, I have always gave my clothes away when I can't wear them and that kind of stuff, but my basement full of crafts I NEVER Use...My Closet full of clothes "I Hope to Wear", (Never go anywere to dress up Why Have them), an Attic full of Crap I haven't looked at in 5 yrs AT Least... It just everytime I thro myself in there, I come out pissed, overwhelmed, and ready to pull my hair out....
I just don't get WHAT or WHY I am Holding on... Someone once ask me? "What are You Getting From it?" and all I can come up with, is maybe it has something to do with lossing all my stuff as a child... But it has me bonkers, I truly wish I could pick my (5) things, and have SOMEONE ELSE come and just Remove the Rest,(without me being present) but I know that wont happen... I just need something to help me move into a life where "Less Is More" and I don't know how to get there from here...
I find the same thing with my Weight...Many times I Eat Just to do it, not because I am Hungery but because it is in front of me... I am borderline Diabetic, and Can't "Clutter" myself like this anymore, but I know if I could get a handle on the rest of my Home I may even be able to get a handle on my Sugar... and no, I'm not a "Horder"I don't live walking thru tunnels or nothing even close, I just buy Useless crap, and sometimes it will lay around for ever, and other times i Will pass it on, but most of the time I don't know why I got it to begin with, I no longer Feel "Attached" to much anything, so Why can't I just "LET IT ALL GO"
I know I can buckle down and get it done, BUT... If I keep repeating the SAME patterns in a couple years I will be right back here again... Al-Anon has taught me so much, and I know that If I could Conquer this, it would be One more Step in the Direction I would like for my life to be... Just not sure how to get there...
I know also that ALOT of the "CRAP" I have, others bought me, and tho it was "Their" Good Intension, it really is nothing I EVER wanted, but has become part of my nightmare,... but yet I feel Guilty wanting it Gone... WHY???? Its Almost Like I feel like once I Get rid of it, They will ask me "Were It is"... I am so lost on this one, but stuggled with it most of my life...
wow great share , I have a girlfriend who relates the condition of her well being to the state of disaray or neatness of her home , if she looks around and sees clutter she is out of whack ,if its clean and neat she is serene .. so your not alone there . I have made up my own slogans over the last few yrs , when cleaning house its( ONE ROOM AT A TIME ) , don't leave the room until its all done dusting windows vacumed etc then close the door , it works for me might work for you . Louise
Okay Jozie...now you need the courage "to change the things you can". You can change this. Up to this time you just won't. I take it in small bites and with a new set of recovery rules like, "If I haven't done anything with it within the last 60 days...it has to go!!. My work is then to follow thru on it. A spiritual life does not entertain much physical promise. Today I prefer the spiritual and work toward what it is you also want...Simple. The more I get rid of the less I have getting inbetween me and my HP.
Good insight and awareness...you've been able to understand and let go of alot of old justifications. The work continues and of course if you're feeling tired rest up. ((((hugs))))
I can see where choosing only 5 things out of everything would be hard. How about flipping that? Pick 5 things daily that you don't want and get rid of them. That's 35 things a week!! 140 things a month! It might work
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I know I can buckle down and get it done, BUT... If I keep repeating the SAME patterns in a couple years I will be right back here again... Al-Anon has taught me so much, and I know that If I could Conquer this, it would be One more Step in the Direction I would like for my life to be... Just not sure how to get there...
.. but yet I feel Guilty wanting it Gone... WHY???? Its Almost Like I feel like once I Get rid of it, They will ask me "Were It is"... I am so lost on this one, but stuggled with it most of my life...
Just want to be me... Not My THINGS...
Thanks for letting me Share... Love & Prayers
Jozie
Dear Jozie
YOu have started the process of letting this stufff go right now by just posting this mini 4th Step on the issue. I see this stufff s as the outward manisfastation of your inward thoughts. You are working on changing those thoughts here and in meetings.
Be gentle with yourself. The 6th step remind us to become entirely ready to have HP remove our short comings. I see you becoming entirely ready
Your post said you were afraid that if you discarded this collection, in a few years you would have collected more stuff . I believe your awareness is powerful
Do not take major actons Talk about it , write about it , ask HP for help and soon you will be able to let it go with courage and wisdom. I think the stuff represents your creative side and it is hard to discard this part of you until you find another succcessful outlet for your creativity
Possibly attending alanon creating your own life with beauty and friendships and love will be the replacement for your creative urge.
Don't know if you read my post about losing it all, but what a blessing in disguise. After a few days of mourning my Stuff, I am so happy to be free of it all, but I too am afraid of slowly accumulating more Stuff as time goes on. But for now the focus is truly on me. I have nothing to hide behind, and I can truly say I feel at peace for the first time in years.
The only things I have to my name are a small suitcase with 5 days worth of clothes, 2 pair of pjs, a small toiletry bag, a makeup bag, a towel, 2 washcloths, and 2 books. And this suitcase was in my car trunk from the weekend before when I had gone on vacation and I just forgot to take it out.
