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Hello my name is Liz, I am not an alcoholic but the man I love and adore is....here's my story.. I first met him some 20 years ago, I would've only been about 20...he was quiet and reserved and I liked him straight away...he worked at my local petrol station, so I saw him pretty much everyday, as my bus stop was right out the front of his station...I always wished he would ask me out, but he never did..too shy and so was I... Fast forward a few years, I was walking my dog, past his house, he stopped me and asked me out, but I was already involved with my future husband and told him I had a boyfriend...(why oh why hadnt he asked me when I was single?), I married my husband, had a baby got divorced (was not a happy marriage) but always always wondered what had ever happened to him... Fast Forward again...this time 10 years I started working weekends at a bar and low and behold the man of my dreams walks in...I looked at him and knew although he had changed a bit that it was him!!! He asked me out and at first I said no...I was scared..I had only had one relationship since my marriage had failed and he had hung himself a year before so I was a bit scared to let myself love again...well terrified is more honest way of putting it. I let him in...after he had persisted so hard, he asked me out at least 10 times.....I let him in..only to discover that he had become an alcoholic...this scared me...my stepdad was an alcoholic and although he and my mum had divorced when I was about 21, he was the only dad I ever knew..he died a lonely old man and was dead nearly a week before anyone found him.... My mum, I would not class as an alcoholic...but she does...she says she cant drink cos 1 is not enough...my childhood wasnt the best but wasnt the worst either..my best friend is an incest victim so you see I know I didnt have it all that bad. I realised after a bit that he was a full blown alcoholic....I tried to end it several times but I loved him and still do very much. His hands shake in the morning...when I first saw this I felt like crying...he says he bleeds from his bum when he has hit it hard the night before. and now he is having chest pains.....this cant be a good thing?? I told him I didnt want to watch him die and I told him about my stepdad...I dont want that to happen to him...he admits he is an alcoholic (isnt that the first step?) but says I wont stop him drinking...I dont want to stop anyone doing what they want to do..but surely this is not fun...he seems to think it is.. there have been times when he has been honest about it, I said to him once...do you really enjoy this? and he said no not really.... I tried to make him see what he was doing...he is alienating himself from his family, no longer do they want him at their get togethers etc...they would never make it that obvious but it is becoming more so... My question to you all is this... Is there anyway I can reach him without making him defensive or making him feel like I am putting him down..cos thats not what I am about.. I know enough to know I cant save anyone but oh god I really want to save this one. He is everything I ever wanted and nothing that i ever wanted if you can understand that. I am sure that if it wasnt for the drink things would be so much better..I am not saying that I am perfect far from..but oh I wish he could see what I see. Is there anyway I can get through to him? We have separated as he is just too scarey when drunk and I dont think he realises just how dangerous he can be..but without it he is the most beautiful man in the world.. I know he loves me, he told me I am the love of his life and he is mine..he has proposed several times but I said no..its not that I dont love him, I love him so much but I just dont think we were ready for that but in all honesty if he stopped drinking or even jsut cut down I would've married him in a heartbeat. So thats my question...Is there any way any way at all to make him see the light? Thank you
I should add, we have broken up but I really cant get him out of my mind...its driving me crazy, I know I cant live that life though, I have a 13yr old son and I dont want him to grow up amongst this sh1t..I want him to respect me and I know if I go back to the relationship, I could end up losing my sons respect. How do we make them see what they are doing to themselves and everyone that loves them? Has anybody ever succeeded?
Hey there, your story is like mine in many ways. My husband is an alchoholic and also the love of my life. I have begged, pleaded, reasoned with, threatenend, and sympathized. NOTHING will change them until they are ready to make that change. My husband finally hit rock bottom a few months ago by wrecking two vehicles, one he flipped twice and ended up in the emergency room. He entered rehab after that. It was 6 very long weeks and its been really hard since he has come home. He has struggled with his sobriety and I think its something that he will always struggle with. There is no magic cure and in mind opinion it boils down to their determination that they want a better life. Find yourself an al anon meeting. I was completly against it at first but I wish I would have gone a long time ago. It has helped me so much in so many ways. I now can enjoy most of my days without trying to control him or his decisions. Its still very scary but I know there is nothing I can do to help him other than give him love and compassion. I have to focus on my recovery from the disease and he has to focus on his. Good luck to you and God bless, the program works if you work it.
(((Liz))) Welcome to Alanon. You will find tools here to help you recover. Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do for your boyfriend's recovery. He has to do that himself. He can recover and have a full life but only when he is ready to quit. It takes total commitment. You can however jump in with both feet into the alanon program. You will find ES&H here and at f2f meetings. Peace to you.
You have been given some sound information and I just wanted to add that Alanon is the answer for you. My husband, like your boyfriend had absolutely no problem admitting that he was an alcoholic and in the next voice tell me he had no intention of changing or stopping. He was functioning and enjoying his life. I went to alanon, used the tools, focused on myself, lived one day at a time, did not take any major actioins for the first year, except go back to work full time. He continued "enjoying himself", until it became not enjoyable. Detox, rehabs near loss of job then he decided to join AA and become sober. NO amount of my talking would have made a difference. Plese take care of you and your son, as you are doing, come to meetings, pick up literature and some new tools and realize you are not alone.
In answer to your question, No, there is nothing you can say or do that will stop him. If there was, we'd all have said it by now. I used to wish I could find that "one thing" that would jerk my husband in to reality too. He had to find it himself by hitting bottom, as it seems is what has to happen 99% of the time.
Keep coming back..You can't fix him but there is lots of help for you!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
How do we make them see ? WE dont until he says what he's doing is causing him a problem it isn't , its causing you a problem and Al-Anon will help u with that . Alcoholics drink because they have a problem period you didn't cause it , you cannot contol it and u cannot cure it this is a progressive disease and he is the only one that can stop it .. if love could cure alcoholism we wouldnt need this room or Al-Anon ,love has nothing to do with his drinking . Our program in my opinion is the best way to support them ,we learn to mind our own business get ourlives back on track and allow them the dignity to do the same . We are enablers , and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change . Nothing changes til someone changes . Please find meetings for yourself . it only takes one person to change to create change .. Louise
Welcome to al anon. If you take advantage of the book offer at the top of the page you can get a lot of advice, suggestions and clarity in the pages there. I know that al anon can help you with your current situation. Jump in, go to meetings, go to the chat room here, read the posts, reply. Come in take a chair and take care of yourself. Whatever this man is doing you deserve time to renew, focus and strategize.
Well, first things first. You said he is bleeding from his bum. That cant be a good thing, means he is bleeding internally somewhere, so therefore if he doesnt take care of that, your problem will be over then wont it, because drinking causes death. Thats the truth of it. Love is not a priority for an active alcoholic. Drinking is the priority, no matter what his words say.
The man needs a recovery program above all. We as the spouses, girlfriends, family members also need a recovery program , because this disease will devastate us if we do not educate and learn the tools that are available to us thru Alanon.
If your reaching out to save him, it wont happen, not unless he is ready. Alanon is for you. It is a lantern to light your way. I hope you will continue to seek.
Much courage and wisdom is awaiting you. Luv, Bettina
. I went to alanon, used the tools, focused on myself, lived one day at a time, did not take any major actioins for the first year, except go back to work full time. He continued "enjoying himself", until it became not enjoyable. Detox, rehabs near loss of job then he decided to join AA and become sober. NO amount of my talking would have made a difference. Plese take care of you and your son, as you are doing, come to meetings, pick up literature and some new tools and realize you are not alone.