The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently, I start to feel so resentful to everything. My friends no longer care about me anymore, it seemed to them that the break up is months ago, I should be fine and move on right now. I don't enjoy working, don't like seeing strangers as I am doing right now (I am doing a lot of social network thinging just try to keep myself occupied and try to forget everything).
My days go so slow, and literally, everyone I know is enjoying life and knowing where they want to go except me. I feel so ashamed that I still could not let my ex go in my mind, I so want to just go back to him and give him the right to kill me slowly than living in this painful days of my life.
I am only 30, but for some reason, I just could not hold up hopes for life. I lose the ability to enjoy life and sometimes. I don't think I am a suicidal but I do feel that if I am dead right now, that would be a not too bad thing.
To want to die because of a disease someone else has ?? not a chance . you have a choice go back and as u said and die slowly or stay where u are and live your life to the fullest . Gods gift to us is life ,what we do with it is our gift to God . There is no glory in being a Martyr -- Edited by abbyal on Monday 9th of August 2010 01:40:36 AM
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 9th of August 2010 01:46:59 AM
Welcome and thank you for your post. Glad you are here and reaching out for support. I came thru these doors crawling and felt much the way you do as alot of other people have as well. Please think about getting to some face to face meetings, and joining us on line for meetings as well. I resisted both at first but I will tell you it will get better if you make that choice. I felt I had nothing to lose, as I had pretty well lost myself already. In retrospect, saying that I dont think I even knew who I was. I was desparate and willing to at least give it a try, Im so glad I did and I hope you will also. Crisis brought me thru the door Im glad I stayed. I didnt always hear what I wanted, but I did hear what I needed. thanks again for your post...blessings :)
I am so sorry that you are in this dreadful place. Your friends cannot understand so please know you are not alone. You can find solace, compassion and understanding in the room of alanon and by sharing on these boards and , in the on line meetings. I needed new tools to live my life with and that is what I found here. I have been exactly where you are and had truly lost all trust and belief in myselfl. I too crawled thru the doors of alanon with no where else to go. I had tried everything and nothing worked. I am so thankful that I found this wonderful program.
So please give it a try. Help in finding a meeting in your community is found
There are many of us here who have felt what you are feeling. Eventually, I had to stop talking to my best friend about this because even she couldn't understand why I would want to be with my A ex boyfriend. The only place I felt hope was in the rooms of Al Anon. Eight months ago, I could have written the words you wrote. Through Al Anon, I have my life back- some self esteem, hope, and the kindness of "strangers" who had been as desperate as I was. Its a simple, but not easy program that has changed my life. Keep coming back for the Experience, Strength, and Hope that you deserve.
May I suggest you qut doing things that don't work for you? If social networking is what you do to keep busy and it isn't working, then seek something else. If it feels like you are punishing yourself, you are. There must be something you enjoy. Move toward that instead. Some of us can't enjoy being alone, but that is where you will find your joy. When you allow yourself to like you, you are never alone. Believe it or not you can be your own best friend. As abby said, there is no glory in being a martyr, there is no joy in it either. Alanon and it's program can give us a total brain overhaul, which is what we need when we enter. There is more then one way of thinking but until we know HOW, we can't get there. Please find a meeting and learn from those who have gone before you. Social network in Alanon and find people that understand.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow your post really hit home for me ! My situation is a little different as my son is my A but I have been thru everthing you just described. I literally checked out of life in general. Let go of all my friends, had limited contact witth family etc. And it was so painful to see that the world kept turing without me. My friends moved on, my family was more persistant thankfully. But I actually dreaded the sun coming up every morning knowing it was going to be a long, lonely, painful day ahead. Nightfall couldn't come fast enough for me. Finally I was lead thru the doors of alanon, found out I wasn't alone and although it was hard at first decided to stay. My life has taken a complete turn around. I won't say I am back to normal ( whatever that is) just yet but man I am on my way. I listened and learned from those who came before me. And as the saying goes I took what i wanted and left the rest. I use the tools that work for me. Life today looks so much better than when i was in that deep dark hole that seemed to have no light... alanon was my light. I strongly urge you to try our program, work it for at least 6 months and watch the changes in your life. When I first got here a wise old timer told me " The program is free, if after working it for 6 months and you decide you don't like it... we will gladly refund your misery" Oh hell I definitly didn't want to be miserable any more so I stuck it out. It is hard work, a life long program but i am in it for the long haul. I will do anything not to go back to the state I was in Blessings to you
I went to Alanon face to face meeting once a week in the last five weeks, I don't know how people can go to meetings so many times because I just could not do it, at least, at the moment. Every time when I go to Alanon meetings, if I am not sad before the meeting, then I will be most likely sad after the meeting as I exposed my emotions there and could not deal with the overwhelming sadness coming out from my sharing; if I am sad before the meeting, then I sometimes get even more emotional afterwards, as I hear other people sharing about their problems and I feel that I am not the worse case. I don't know, why I feel this way, I heard some wonderful recovery stories at MIP but at those face to face meetings I went, it just seems like that everyone just throws their sadness into the room and somehow I feel that people compare with each other about which one is the more miserable one instead of focusing the positive.
I know I don't have much options left for my recovery, I really hope Alanon will work for me, I bought all the literatures. I haven't had a sponsor, as I don't know people well in my face to face meetings and I don't know who to ask to sponsor me.
Thanks for listening again. I don't know you all, but I will pray for all of us that darkness will pass soon.
PS: I used this reply post as a new post in the forum as well, in case other people would have similar experience as I do right now.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and withdrawn and that you are not yet feeling a sense of relief in the F2F meetings. A few things came to mind for me as I read your posts:
- The things you are feeling sound a lot like how I felt when I realized my husband was an alcoholic, and also similar to how I felt when he passed away this year. Of course many would understand us feeling so bad when someone we love passes away. But why did I feel that way the first time, when I realized he was an alcoholic? For me it was because I was grieving the lost relationship, I was grieving a loss. There is an excellent alanon book I can highly recommend - "Transforming Our Losses" that you may get some support from and also some ideas on how to get to a more positive frame of mind as you desire.
- The other thing that came to mind is that it's terrific you've been trying out a F2F meeting. They can take some getting used to and are as strong as their membership. If you want to change the tone to more positive, buck the trend and share something positive from your own recovery. It's infectious and others will soon catch on. Alternatively, you can try another meeting. Sometimes we just don't click with our first attempt.