The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started step work then chickened out as I got closer to to making the list of "wrongs" and then having the share them. there just seeem to be to many - in my life growing up tasting the peanut butter with your finger was punishable by a full day of "time out" back before time out was invented- whatever kid did the thing that was "wrong" had it explained and reexplained the error of her ways apologies were accepted and then demanded again and again and there were sometimes beatings but motsly extream emotional distancing and extream explaining of how horrible a person you were and how people who dont' care about the feelings of others end up dead or in jail- at some point in all this we would all get on our knees and ask God to forgive the one who was wrong for being such a worthless drain and embarassment to the family.
Anyway for these reasons and for the fact that I have done some things as an adult that were just plain wrong-like taking money that did not belong to me to give to my alcoholic to buy beer- then when that was so easy taking more just because I could--without a doubt the one real thing that is keeping me from "getting honest" now I've siad it here so we will see if I become more brave bit by bit about the rest or if I don't.
Can't really think of any other major "sins" as an adult but fear I will as I begin to look.
Oh I've done plenty wrong I'm sure but this is something only the lowest of the low would do in my view. I want to be "restored" to who I feel I really am - so I want to start completely over with the steps work them by myself and share more later.
hitting submit post now---ughhhhh!
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 8th of August 2010 10:41:07 AM
Totally relate I have been putting off my step 4 work for the longest time because i just can't stand to see all my defects so to speak in black and white. But was reminded by a fellow member to remember all the good things i have done and all my good qualities too.... so don't forget those. I figure once i see the errors of my ways which i too can trace back to my upbringing I will be able to figure out the person I want to become and be so much happier. Good Luck Blessings
Wow as I saw a post from Christy and now realize this may have been what my therapist (s) and sponsor have been trying to help me see when asked my why I stay in a hurtful relationship- the only answer I ever had was because I really feel like it would be "wrong" not to.?? I never knew why I felt that way exactly
Christy wrote: Isn't it amazing how hard we try to hold on to that which hurts us most? It's self destruction at it's best (with a load of denial thrown in). And somehow we feell guilty if we don't self destruct for someone else. Yes, it's crazy!!
Thanks everyone --- for letting me share this today!
From my own ESH, writing my Fourth Step bit. But you know what? I discovered that the person to whom I had done the most harm was myself. Mostly, this was because I hadn't let go of all the old negative tapes playing in my head. I, too, grew up in an emotionally abusive environment. I believed that I was worthless and ugly and unspecial - I'd been told so in my family of origin often. I kept replaying those tapes - emotionally abusing myself over and over. I owed myself major amends.
Being able to talk this stuff over with my sponsor went a long way as far as letting go of this abuse and beginning to recognize my own value. As hard as it is to write it all down and talk it over, it really is worth it. :)
Perhaps it would be ok to put SOME of the wrongs....then at another date do the rest, or just more .....basically doing step 4 a little at a time. It would seem to fit with our philosophy of doing things in manageable pieces as we are able to do them.
Hit the post button too soon. I guess what I'm feeling is that doing part of something is better than doing none of it. While it's optimal to "do it all" and "get it all right the first time", alanon has taught me that I can do things at my own paste to the best of my ability...if that means dealing with 1 or 2 wrongs at a time...then that's the best I can do...and it's better than nothing.
The steps help to understand the old you and make sense of why/how that old you came to be. You can then understand and forgive yourself and others. You don't have to do them before you can become you, you already are you!! You can do them as the new you, while looking back (but don't stare). Be the change!!
and....Put your new shoes on *wink*
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That must have been hard for you , well done and thanks for the honesty u might not believe it now but it will make u feel better .. getting honest is the hardest part of recovery especially with ourselves * denial runs deep * Don't stop now keep going ,find a sponsor work the steps and learn to forgive yourself , there are so many unique ways of making amends for the things we have done , it will all work out the way its supposed to . (hugs)
Your honesty touched my heart and spirit. I related to the childhood scene of day long "time outs "for minor infractions. Being honest about an offense was close to impossible and very scary!!!
The 4 th step asked for fearless. I realized that due to my childhood I could not be fearless so I did it anyway. After all my inventory was laid out on the table I discovered that I was HUMAN Very much like everyone else. I had done stuff and was not perfect.
My impossible belief was that I could/should be perfect and anything less was unacceptable. "Not so" said alanon , my sponsor and now today MYSELF.
I make/made mistakes, I will own them learn from them and move on I will not hold on to them, beat myself up (like my family did) and not learn the lesson.
The steps were my road to freedom and I am glad you have chosen to embark on them,
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 8th of August 2010 07:55:27 PM
Aloha Glad...isn't it amazing how this MIP family will jump to your support and recovery? I will always be in awe and then add my 2 cents connected to what the others have offered. When I did my inventories(yes 6 of em) I learned from my sponsors that I wasn't soooo different than they were. I was not scoffed at, laughed at, chided or derided. At times they related how they had committed the same wrong doing which actually made me understand that some of us are sicker than others but then it wasn't about comparison but understanding and acceptance of ourselves without condition. It will never be perfect...you can take that to the bank so you will only do the best you can with what you have now and if you stick around and are patient while holding an open mind your HP will gently reveal more as time goes on. As I grew I could handle more and want to exercise the courage to do more of the work that recovery asks of us. I don't use the word "sins" any more because they came from another up bringing and suggest that I was intentionally a bad person. Actually much of what I did was unintentional while I was doing the best I could with what I had which wasn't much and I didn't understand till I got here. Later on I apologized and made amends for all that I found and continue to live in the amends.
Good for you wanting to be the real me...that is what I wanted also and I just bet there is an awesome real you just on the other side of the door. I wanna meet her also. (((((hugs)))))
