The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am raising my children, 8,9, and 18 mos by myself because I choose not to live with my AH. He is out playing golf, getting high and living the single life. I am going back to school in a few weeks to finish my degree, which will be no easy task while he gets to sit around and party and have fun. Why in the h*** did he marry me if he was not going to settle down? I just don't get it. I am resentful and angry because I did not want to do this alone. I have a support group, but they have their own lives as well. I am also grieving because my mother passed away two years ago. I walk thru the pain of that as well as the other pain he is causing me, while he gets to numb his pain and not feel it at all. I resent that. I know that my character will be formed by this, and his will remain that of a 13 year old child. I want to divorce him so badly right now, but have no money. I cannot believe how selfish this man is. It makes me sick that he would rather get high than spend time with his beautiful daughter. I think I even hate him right now. He is one of the most self-centered, arrogant, jerks I know! I feel so trapped to be married to such a jerk! I am having an emotional roller coaster of emotions today. I posted earlier that I felt better, but now I am angry!
I sympathize with your situation as I know what it's like to feel like you are alone and without help. It sounds like you are making all the right choices for yourself and your kids. Keep posting, try to make meetings, read the literature etc. You'll feel better eventually, it's a fact. I've been really low lately and am starting to come out of it somewhat, so I know it gets better.
I think a lot of us have been in your shoes. It's so hard to be the one who feels the emotions. But feeling them is the only way to have a life. The addicts and alcoholics are the ones who don't dare let themselves feel anything because they would be overwhelmed by shame and terror.
Courage to you. Also remember that when you can afford the divorce, you can go for child support. Keep on taking care of yourself.
I can relate to what you're going through. My AH is currently living outside of our home (moved out one day while I was at work). These are very sick and selfish people that we're dealing with, and, you have every right to be angry. It's how we deal with that anger that makes the difference.
Please, keep coming to this board, get to some face to face meetings. That's what I've been doing, and, things have gotten better for me. My Alanon home group has been my lifeline.
When we change, the people around us generally do too.
I can relate to what you're going through. My AH is currently living outside of our home (moved out one day while I was at work). These are very sick and selfish people that we're dealing with, and, you have every right to be angry. It's how we deal with that anger that makes the difference.
Please, keep coming to this board, get to some face to face meetings. That's what I've been doing, and, things have gotten better for me. My Alanon home group has been my lifeline.
When we change, the people around us generally do too.
