The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realize how absolutely obsessed I have become regarding my husband's addiction. I think about him all the time. I am angry with him all the time. Step One says that we are powerless over them and our lives had become unmanageable. That is what is happening to me. I suffer from guilt because I spend way too much time focusing on him and way less time doing the things I am supposed to be doing for my children and myself. I had actually begun to take responsibility for his behavior, as if it were up to me to change it. When I know in my head that only God can change him. How come it is so hard to let go? I am afraid to let go. We are separated and if I did not initiate the contact with him, he would never come see our daughter. I guess I am not going to his house anymore. Any advice? I don't want to be accused of "punishing him" because he won't come see our daughter. I just refuse to go to his house where he has people coming in and out and friends that don't think twice about smoking pot. His son even smokes pot now. He will blame me though because he says that every day he doesn't see his daughter that it drives a wedge between him and me. I need to realize the manipulation for what it is. He has ways to come see us, I just think that since he can't smoke, he won't come here.
Sounds like you see the attempted manipulation and the attempted diversion of responsibility from him to you.
When I have tough decisions to make that involve others, which may appear to them to be "punishment" I have to look at my motives. Am I making this choice because it is an attempt to control someone else's behavior? Or am I making the choice because I feel like it is the best thing for me to maintain my serenity?
The fear of letting go is definately something hard to get over. Coming to believe, and trust, in a power greater than ourselves is the first step, in my opinion, of letting go of others. I have my Higher Power. So does everyone else, and I am not it!
David said it perfectly. I used to have trouble figuring out appropriate boundaries, but they always worked best when I thought of them as what I will do for me and my child to preserve our safety and serenity. Your AH can choose to come se you and he does not. The bad feelings and consequences are his to own.
I am making the choice not to go to his house because it will take me a month to get back to my normal self again. I simply do not know how to relate to him. I am either terribly angry at him, disgusted, feel worthless because I listen to his pity party about how terrible I am because I left and now he can't see his daughter. It really takes me about a month to get over it! My motives are not punishment, but he sees it that way. It feels really bad to have him accuse me of that.
Sounds like you see the attempted manipulation and the attempted diversion of responsibility from him to you.
When I have tough decisions to make that involve others, which may appear to them to be "punishment" I have to look at my motives. Am I making this choice because it is an attempt to control someone else's behavior? Or am I making the choice because I feel like it is the best thing for me to maintain my serenity?
The fear of letting go is definately something hard to get over. Coming to believe, and trust, in a power greater than ourselves is the first step, in my opinion, of letting go of others. I have my Higher Power. So does everyone else, and I am not it!
Keep coming back!
David
Letting go will take a lot of pressure off of myself. Ever since I wrote in this forum, it was like I was asking for permission to let go of him. That it was okay to let go of him. I wonder how I started to believe that I was responsible for his actions? As in I feel so worthless that I deserve this abuse and manipulation from him. Why would I do that to myself? Why would I let another's actions define me? Now I realize how sick and crazy I have become. Please God help me to set the boundaries that need to be set with him because he is a master manipulator and I am just now learning! I actually do feel better today than I have in months. Thanks.
Aloha Kath!! I had to learn in the rooms of Al-Anon that what the alcoholic was saying was only "her stuff" and wasn't the truth...just her perception however I gave it the power it had to hurt and confuse me. When I learned how to say to her and the other alcoholics in my life who blamed and accused, "That's not true" and then continue on doing what was good for me I not only changed my beliefs but also my responses. I needed to hear myself say "That's not true" and stand up for myself and then act it out. Nothing can hurt me without my permission and participation was a rocket science new awareness to this grateful member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Keep coming back with and open mind and listen, listen, listen. In support (((((hugs)))))
Isn't it amazing how hard we try to hold on to that which hurts us most? It's self destruction at it's best (with a load of denial thrown in). And somehow we feell guilty if we don't self destruct for someone else. Yes, it's crazy!!
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you! My dearest friends tell me I need to stand up for myself. I want to shout it out in my mind...that's not true, that's not true and say it to him if need be.
Aloha Kath!! I had to learn in the rooms of Al-Anon that what the alcoholic was saying was only "her stuff" and wasn't the truth...just her perception however I gave it the power it had to hurt and confuse me. When I learned how to say to her and the other alcoholics in my life who blamed and accused, "That's not true" and then continue on doing what was good for me I not only changed my beliefs but also my responses. I needed to hear myself say "That's not true" and stand up for myself and then act it out. Nothing can hurt me without my permission and participation was a rocket science new awareness to this grateful member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Keep coming back with and open mind and listen, listen, listen. In support (((((hugs)))))
