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I overheard one of my roommates having a conversation with his daughter on the phone (as he has no boundaries he broadcast it everywhere). Somehow in a enquiry about her going back to school he made the conversation about that he was alone and had no one! Of course he has a girlfriend (who is superglued to him,a mother who recently funded a trip home and many people who he is with 24/7.) All he could offer his daugher was "poor me". I've been irritated, angered and frustrated by his behavior for years and now I know the core the "poor me" which is the excuse for everything in his life.
When I met the ex A he had a very similar mantra. He was "done in" by his ex girlfriend she was the sole source of all his problems and everything wrong with his life was someone else's fault including his fahter who had died on him, his brother who didn't appreciate him (while they did drugs back and forth) and his mother who never did enough for him (she actually did quite a bit along the way). He was a grown man and had that song going. My roommate is also a grown man, he is not a boy. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with "poor me" because to him that is his reality. Anyone else's reality is so much better than his including his daugher who has few resources, no father to speak of and few funds because needless to say he hasn't shown her too many dimes in his lifetime (it all goes on booze, drugs and cigarettes).
Now in hindsight the reason "poor me" always resonated with me was of course because I existed in my own "poor me". Why me? was my constant refrain. Why did I grow up poor with mentally ill parents, why didn't I get? Why didn't I have? Why why why. I had no idea I was digging my own grave with the resentment, grievances and self pity. Poor me cemented me to the ex A like syrup, we were a pair, we knew each others problems. In time he would insist only he had problems the rest were merely my insisting on complaining about everything and everyone (which of course I did). His problems dwarfed mine no matter what the occasion, my mother's death, illness, two/three hospitalizations, I by then had no right to complain besides his "poor me" lot. My neighbor is much the same. How can I have needs when he is "poor me!". Nevertheless no matter how much the ex A damaged cars, trucks, finances, our home, our friendships, my life, I bathed in that refrain for most ot the time we were together, that was the real bond that I called love. I felt I knew his pain so intimately and only I could help as I confused where I began and he ended in our poor me pit.
Needless to say despite the poor me, there were good times and bad times. Ironically when I met the ex A I was doing well, looked well, had a lot going for me. He had a good job which of course he lost. He also had a suspended license which of course he could excuse within "poor me". I had no idea the suspended license red flag would haunt me for years to come. Immersed in "poor me" I had no ability to detach, interpret, see the big picture, look at my choices. I grasped at straws because that was all I'd ever done and all I knew how to do. I siimply had my resentment, grievances and a demand for an answer to the big question of "why me?".
The "why me?" mired me in chaos, pain, confusion, debt, impulsive acts, toxic rage and corrosive jealousy for years. I had to give up the "why me" and detach in order to save both my sanity, my bankbook and my cat(s) and dogs.
Giving up that attitude felt like cutting off a part of me that I felt was precious. Giving up felt like losing and not getting what I wanted which was a demand for restitution. I had to get to a place where I could no longer continue with the attitude or sink in order to stop. The ex A never got there, he's still on the "why me" kick and can always justify it. My neighbor/roommate isnt' there of course and he can justify his being drunk from morning to night because of it. "Poor me" means he doesn't need to see his daughter in person (the distance is minimal) fund her life or fund the trips he promised and dreamed about.
I justified, blamed, coerced, raged and cried for years before I would take a suggesiton from al anon and work on tools and change my thinking to get a grip on reality.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Friday 6th of August 2010 06:30:44 PM
-- Edited by maresie on Friday 6th of August 2010 06:40:30 PM
I can relate. (How many times do you hear that in Al-Anon? lol).
My exAH has often walked a victim mentality, even though in the same breath he'd claim independence and that life was great. It's amazing the grudges he would hold against people who he thought in any way slighted him. the most disturbing grudge he's holding recently is one against his own daughter. I will never "get it"... how a parent can blame a dependent child for all their own problems. He blames her for his financial problems, and he's seething mad at her that she lied to him about a relationship she was having with an older man and kept it secret until she turned 18 and moved out with him. Well, who could blame her the way he'd blow up at her all the time? In any case, I really got exhausted listening to his drunken rants about how his ex (his daughter's mom) "did him dirty" and now how his own daughter "did him dirty". (He claims his ex cheated on him. I don't doubt that she did, but I'm 100% sure he cheated on her, too, and her cheating on him was an immature and irresponsible blacklash reaction to his cheating.)
Whew. Craziness.
But yes, I've certainly stepped up to the plate and played victim many a time myself. I'm no saint. I think most of my adolescence was spent in a continuous "why me?" / "poor me" funk. I always held myself to higher standards and expectations that were unrealistic for me and was continually down on myself for not being pretty enough of popular enough or too fat or too shy. "Poor me. No one loves me." that was a popular thing I told myself when I was younger... completely in a place of non-gratitude for what I did have in my life.
When things first went down with my AH... when I'd discovered his cheating... I felt the whole "why me" / "poor me" stuff very keenly. I was so depressed about it all that I honestly wouldn't have objected if a bus hit me. I wasn't suicidal, but I wouldn't fight for my life, either, if it came down to it.
Thank goodness a couple years in Al-Anon has changed a lot of things around for me now. I try to remind myself "there are no victims, only volunteers" when I start feeling less-than or like my life is empty.
Keeping a daily gratitude journal pretty religiously has also helped me to keep perspective. I can always find SOMETHING to be grateful for in my day, no matter how dark it may have seemed. On my days when I was still living with my AH and his bizarre behaviors and having nasty arguments with him, I could always count on a phone call to my sponsor. Despite the bleakness of the situation, I could be grateful I had someone to talk to.
I feel less and less like saying "poor me" or "why me" any more. Thank goodness. It's not a place I like to be.
Thanks for writing this. I am all too familiar with "poor me." I, too, lived in it for pretty much my whole life. I don't know when it started, it was just always that way. All I could really ever think about was how someone else did something else to me, wonder/obsess about why they did it and didn't realize how great a person I was, and find various things to be sad about even waaaay after the fact. Actually, on any given day, I can still find myself back there - I have to work REALLY hard still at this point in my recovery to redirect the "poor me" thoughts when they start.
Thanks again for sharing - I needed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it today, and I think I have now done so!
I had it going on too. Not horribly. I was proud of my day to day life, what I had accomplished, my daughter and so on. I felt very fortunate.
But every bad thing I had suffered and every slight I had received throughout my life stayed as a tool in my toolbox. A reason to run and hide. A reason to not trust. A reason to choose the wrong people.
Taking ownership of my part in the things I suffered help get rid of the "poor me". Sometimes I was the vicitim, especially as a child, and that is OK. But there are so many situations, such as the relationship with my exA, where I opened the door and invited in the pain I eventually suffered. The nice thing is, I did the best I could with the tools I had. Now I am trading out the tools in my toolbox for better ones, thanks to Al-Anon and the 12 steps.
From the Big Book of AA, Chapter 5:
Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly wit hout provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
Wow, Maresie. That is an incredible post. Thank you.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Friday 6th of August 2010 08:00:58 PM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Great post maresie!! I think we are all in the illusion/delusional poor me mode when we come to alanon. I find it a true blessing that through some self care and a lot of hard work we can see a new way of "being" by an attitude overhaul.
I recall writing a post a long time ago about our reality being an illusion. It is an illusion because we can change it. Over the years I've surely seen your illusion of who you are thought you were change and grow in to a person full of wisdom that really has fought to find peace within.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Giving up that attitude felt like cutting off a part of me that I felt was precious. Giving up felt like losing and not getting what I wanted which was a demand for restitution. I had to get to a place where I could no longer continue with the attitude or sink in order to stop. I justified, blamed, coerced, raged and cried for years before I would take a suggesiton from al anon and work on tools and change my thinking to get a grip on reality.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Friday 6th of August 2010 06:30:44 PM
-- Edited by maresie on Friday 6th of August 2010 06:40:30 PM
Dear Maresie Wow what a great posting. I truly appreciate how you identified the true need that I also suffered from and that kept me tied to my pain for so very long.
I could have selected so many ideas from your share but I selected the above because of the power of your words. "I felt as if I was cutting off a part of me" How descriptive and true!!!
I really believed I would die when I finally let go. The pain of holding on and hanging over the precipice was too much so that the fear of the unknown felt more acceptable.
The gradual change in attitudes so that I now see the glass as half full rather that half empty is truly one of the many Miracles I have witnessed within.
Thanks for sharing your awareness of your part in the relationship with your ex, and the difficulty of letting the character defect go. I realized that when I have trouble getting rid of a character defect, I can ask HP to help until I'm blue in the face, but if I'm not truly ready, it's not going to go away. What am I getting from the character defect? For me, it was less about self-pity and more about being controlling. I've had trouble getting past it because I get a lot from it. I also lose a lot. That's the problem. As I realize I need to let go of what I got, I may finally be ready to give it up.
Great awareness Maresie! I think all of us at some time or other have done the "poor me" bit. I also can play the martyr quite well. I'm working hard on these feelings and also on not judging people by their cover. I'm trying to "clean my closet" of old resentments and bitterness. The only one that that those hurt is me! So, thanks. Great share. Gave me more to think about. Peace.
I'm working hard on these feelings and also on not judging people by their cover. I'm trying to "clean my closet" of old resentments and bitterness. The only one that that those hurt is me! So, thanks. Great share. Gave me more to think about. Peace.