So lost it hurts, So confused I am mad, So scared, but will not run. - Al-Anon Family Group

brokenbeatscareddiehard · Newbie

So lost it hurts, So confused I am mad, So scared, but will not run.

xd · Member

brokenbeatscareddiehard wrote:

But I know I need to learn and understand how to cope with all this myself. I refuse to leave her to her own fate. I took a vow before god to be there for her so I am, I just want to do it right. With love, compassion and understanding.

Thank you for having such a wonderful community out there that understands, I would be so lost without people like yourselves. With true love and sentiment for all of you, Thanks.

Brother- thanks for sharing this, and I suspect doing so was not easy for you.

I quoted your last two paragraphs above as they both resonate with me, AND say that on some level you intuitively know what you need to do...just not how to do it (yet).

I'm so new here and so early on in my own journey to find the inner peace and understanding to cope with this that I probably am not qualified to offer much more than empathy for your situation, and kudos for your attitude. Many men may have bailed by now if in a similar situation; that may have been the right decision for them, but it takes a certain mindset to stay. Hooah!

I am sorry for what your family is going through, and wish I had more to offer you than my respect and encouragement...but that's what I have to give, and it's yours.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Clin))
I am so very sorry that this dreadful disease has invaded your home and hurt all of your loved ones. I hear your pain and understand how hard you are trying.

You have found a wonderful resource that can help you and your daughter find some peace and serenity. You are ceratinly not alone, as many of us who have walked with this disease can share.

Please try to find local face to face meetings in your community. You can do so by going tohttp://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html There you can find great literature that will inspire you and help get thru this difficult time one day at a time

We also have on line meetings here 2xs a day and 24/7 chat room. It is so important to share and break the isolation. There are also alateen meetings for your daughter where she can meet with other children and share her pain.

Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 6th of August 2010 03:50:01 PM

rainbojo66 · Veteran Member

That much love would never go to waste. I was told to love myself first...that feels so impossibly hard when the world is crumbling around you and all you want to do is picm up the pieces...make it all nice and THEN you can get to the LAST LEVEL OF IMPORTANCE which is...YOU.

But...I think that is the way to go. If my glass is full, well, I'm muc better for everyone.

Trying to fill my glass today...will say a prayer for your home.

peace,
Jo

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is such a hard situation. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What you describe about your wife moving things around and writing the coded messages and things sounds very worrying to me. It makes me wonder whether she is suffering from some kind of psychosis or mental disorder even apart from the alcohol. Of course lots of people with mental disorders try to self-medicate with alcohol, which just makes things that much worse. Have you seen "A Beautiful Mind"? That's an example of a man with a mental disorder a little bit similar to what you seem to be describing, though of course they come in lots of kinds.

It all makes me wonder if you could consult a psychiatrist or someone with medical training to figure out how to get an evaluation of what syndromes you're dealing with. It might be bigger than "just" alcoholism (though "just" alcoholism can be very horrible).

In my experience, it isn't helpful to ask people with either alcoholism or psychiatric diagnoses to explain or recognize their problem. Their thinking is disordered and they just can't. And denial seems to be part of the package. So I suspect you'll get the confirmation from someone else, rather than from your wife.

But your daughter's experience is horrifying. I'm sure you know that it's vital to protect her, however you have to do it. Your love for your wife is moving, but it doesn't mean you have to love the disease or what it does to other people. The best example of love for her may be protecting her daughter when she can't, and doing what's necessary to support you and her, rather than to support her disease. Please get to some meetings and keep coming back -- nobody should have to face this alone!

DreamXL · Senior Member

Broken thank you for your post and glad your here. Forgive me in advance if I lack sympathy for anyone but your daughter. Good lord to be woke up with someone slamming your head into the floor, I simply cant imagine. Did you stop and protect her from this clearly insane person for whatever reason? alchol, mental illness Im not sure at that point any of it makes a difference. It sent chills thru my body reading it. I dont mean to sound cold here, but children are the innocent victims and need to be protected, is sad when they need protection from their own parents.......

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Broken,

Welcome to MIP. We are so glad you found us. It sounds as though things are really difficult and we pray first and foremost that your daughter is safe. We are not here to judge and do not know the specifics of what is happening in your house. Children getting hurt triggers many of us, hence you might see some strong reactions here. Just know it is out of concern. We are here for you.

You reaching out to us is a great step and it sounds like you continuing to get help and support is necessary at this point. If you need numbers for abuse hotlines, I am sure we could come up with many for you at the drop of a hat.

My need to walk through the doors of AA was acute. I was putting my daughter in grave danger by driving with her while I was drunk - black out drunk. Luckily I saw this. There was no other parent here to step in. My exA (bf) was more worried about what I was doing to him than the potential deadly danger to my kid. I JUST realized that as I was typing. That is pretty profound.

Your daughter being abused makes this a very important issue. In Al-Anon we often say do nothing and go to meeting for 'x' days. I would have a hard time giving that advice. I had to put my sobriety at the top of my priority list immediately or my daughter could suffer with her life. It is nothing to play around with.

Please keep coming back. We by no means are here to judge you, only offer support. We want the best for you and your family. Your wife getting help and things getting better as a family unit is very, very possible. My exA and I went through recovery for a year while we were apart and when we got back together a LOT had changed for both of us. It was not enough to keep us together, but it was enough to know that anything is possible.

My best to you.

Tricia

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Broken

You wrote.....
About 7 months ago my 9 year old daughter started asking me to move and leave her mom behind, It disturbed me seeing the hate my 9 year old had for her mother. It took me 2 months to get it out of her that when my wife was drunk she was abusing her. I kind of blew it off as over exaggeration, until I acted like I was asleep one night and cought her dragging my daughter out of her bed and slamming her head on the floor
_____________________________________________________________________________
First of all congrats to you for trying to find some help for yourself And I am sorry if this is going to sound judgemental but as a child of abuse myself I have to ask you.....
What are you thinking? You are a grown man who 1. can protect himself and 2. can understnd the concept of this disease or any other mental illness your wife may have.
WHO IS PROTECTING YOUR DAUGHTER?
It is a parents job to protect thier children first and foremost... what could have happened if you had not walked in to stop your wife from slamming you childs head agaisnt the floor and whats going to happen if next time around you are not there to intervene? You are eventually going to have to answer to your daughter why you left and kept in in an abusive situation. What answer will you give to rationalize your decision? That your wife is the love of your life and your daughter is just collateral damage? Reflecting on my own abusive experiences after reading your post just sickens me. Alanon does not " give advice" except when someone is in imminent danger. And your daughter certainly is in danger.
I do not doubt your love for your wife but please reflect on this relationship and clearly look at who is doing all the work to keep your relationship alive. It is you,
Not you or your daughter will ever come before your wifes need to drink until she seeks recovery. You will at best be #3 in her life..first will be herself, second her booze and whatever is left over will be for you and your daughter unless as you suspect thier may be another person in her life ( likely a drinking buddy).
I urge you in the strongest possible sense to put your daughter first and foremost as she is the only innocent in this family. And she is in no way able to protect herself. God as I think of the time she asked you to leave and you really didn't take it seriously until you saw what was going on with your own eyes what else has happened to that child.
Do you have any idea the courage it takes a child to confide in someone that they have been abused. Your daughter had the courage to tell you in hopes that her daddy will help/save her and you do nothing.
If you are so adament on staying with your wife, you are adult and that's your decision but then at least send your daughter to live with relatives ( grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) where she can feel safe and loved until or if your wife decides to accept recovery.
I know I have been very harsh here but I think someone has to be to wake you up.
I pray for the safety of your daughter

tlcate · Senior Member

Ok everyone. We are not here to give advice or admonish Broken who is coming to us for support.

I am sure we can find ways to express our concerns for his daughter and our hope that he is protecting her without making him feel like he is in front of a firing squad.

We share our Experience, Strength, & Hope. He is a newcomer and other newcomers are reading this. Please keep that in mind. Perhaps those of us who are triggered by this post can share their experience at the hands of abuse so he better understands what his daughter is facing. You can share this with love, understanding, and hope.

If you can not, please don't post. I completely understand the triggers here but hope that we can follow the Al-Anon principles and reach out to those that are suffering and help them, not chase them away.

He is suffering, he is confused, hurt, lost and maybe his priorities are not what we deem "correct". But . . . maybe they are. Maybe he did protect his daughter. We do not know what is happening in his home and we are NOT JUDGES.

If this continues I will close the thread.

Thank you,

Tricia

DreamXL · Senior Member

Personally I have to applaud someone with the experience, strength and courage to speak out on this topic. All forms of abuse are serious issues, but physical violence can lead directly to death. I search for words to say that more gently, but that is the reality of it. There are many graves filled with innocent children.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Broken,

Welcome to the board.

sorry you and your daughter are suffering at the hands of your wife.

In my humble opinion your wife sounds like she has a serious mental disorder which none of us are equipped to diagnose or give any advice on.

Just that your daughter should be protected. And your wife properly diagnosed. I know it sometimes is frustrating . As Mattie said , it sounds like there is more then just alcoholism going on, and she could be self medicating. My 2nd husband was exhibiting strange behavior after our baby son had passed away. He dabbled in marijuana before, but after the death, he became depressed and started using cocaine. He became psychotic and would move stuff around and blame me. Thought I was having affairs with every man in the neighborhood, told me he could move the moon. He was put on medication which would even his moods out, but he hated the effects and would rather do drugs.

You said your wife is seeking help which is great, Im sure you will be talking to the Dr. that will be helping her. When my X husband was going thru this, they offered help to me which was great, because I felt that nobody knew what I was going thru. Just talking to the psychiatrist and him telling me , I realize the situation and reassuring me helped.

Wishing you all the best and a resolution. Luv, Bettina

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Broken))) I'm sending you a hug today because I think before anything else, you need it. Living in situations like yours are tough and heartbreaking. I am so glad that your wife is seeking help. Please consider a face 2 face meeing in Alanon and I believe that your daughter could really benefit from Alateen. Your steadfastness in staying and trying to help should be saying something to your wife. But the more you learn about her disease, the more you will be able to help her get well. In truth, there is really nothing that we can do to "help" them. They have to help themselves. Are you able to meet with her medical "people" and tell them about her hiding things and moving things around? I think that is something that they should know and could possibly help them diagnose exactly what is going on with your wife. It could be from the alcohol, most of us here have seen our loved ones do some very "off the wall" things while drinking or it could be a combination of that and something else.

I also wanted to suggest something for your daughter. When I was 12, my alcoholic brother climbed into bed with me one night while I was sleeping. Thank God I woke up, ran to my parents, who got him to his own room and tried to talk to him. But after that incident, they put a lock on my bedroom door. My parents had a key (in case of a fire, etc..) otherwise it was locked from my side. I knew that when I went to bed, I was safe and "locked" in. I know that you love your daughter and perhaps this is something that could help and also give her a sign of protection.

Living with this disease is tough at best. I send you prayers and hope and strength. Alanon can share its tools with you that will help you learn to cope and understand. Peace to you.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

tlcate,

I did reply from experience and reality. Sometimes thats not pretty and we can't put a nice bow on it and make it better.
You feel you need to delete my post please feel free
I spoke for the child, if thats not important enough so be it
Alanon does not give advice except in cases of danger and abuse.... thats exactly what i saw/read.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello ((Broken))

Welcome to MIP, thank you for having the courage to humbly share your life with me. I know the desperation I had to feel in order to get that same courage and I am sorry you are in such a difficult place right now. It can get alot better. Learning and using the tools, slogans and experience shared in Alanon and working the steps has let me stop the inner turmoil and hear the true voice in side myself. Most of those inner fears and doubts are managable or go away when I am not feeling as if I am spinning in circles trying to maintain some kind of order to life.

Finding out about lies, actions, shocking situations in my life made me doubt my reality and ability to cope with the results. And it does take time to work back from that place. Your post did bring out the protective side of me for your daughter, not only for her safety, well being and confidence in people right now but also for the future. I am of the mind of trying to stop the cycle with education, therapy, Alateen may be an option. There were some experiences shared that had really good suggestions of staying with relatives, or a lock on her door, perhaps an infant monitor so she can alert you if there is a problem may be something to consider.

I hope you and each member of your family find the help that will work best. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

much love
Jen

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Family))),

After reading all of the responses, I have decided to close this thread. This is a very personal & touchy issue for some. I completely understand that. However I lovingly and gently remind all of us that were not there when this happened. I would never condone child abuse or any abuse for that matter. Perhaps he was so dispondent or in such disbelief that he didn't know what to do. I am not justifying the actions nor am I supporting his actions. I highly doubt that he is jumping for joy over his actions.

If it were me I would feel so guilty and would be beating myself up that the last thing I would want is to come to a group for help and here what a terrible person I am. All of us make mistakes. I have made plenty with huge life & death implications.

This is a member who came to us for ESH. There are ways of expressing the way we feel in less judgemental way. Of course the protection of the child must come first. No one is arguing that. But this is a member who is clearly hurting and needs our guidance and support. Let us be reminded that we have not walked in his shoes. We can help people w/o making them feel bad.

Thank you,
Karilynn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.